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Very good. Minor writing and layout issues, but this looks good visually and I think it could be a fun adventure. The gremlins are more cute than creepy, and that's ok.
Art: Full marks. I think maybe the cover art/logo doesn't sell the rest adequately, because it looks a bit basic, but then the rest of the visual presentation is a pleasant surprise.
Writing: I think it's a good story and there's nothing in the writing that's particularly distracting or confusing. There's maybe too much repetition for a format where space is at a premium. E.g. the "what's really going on" repeats a lot of information from the front of the pamphlet, when you could use that space to go into more detail about the Sun Gremlins. As an editor, I also feel like there are some places where you're reaching for a fancy word and not quite using it right, when a simpler word would be just fine. E.g. it doesn't make sense to say the Ikkari was "jettisoned" past the light barrier... the ship was thrown out of itself? Thrown, hurled, catapulted, launched would all be fine.
Game Design: I love the idea of using the environment itself as an enemy. It almost doesn't even need the Sun Gremlins if there were more timed mechanics, raising the heat level as the scenario progresses. One thing I'm not clear on is what protection the players have. The section on Module Conditions suggests you're just automatically taking damage every round in a Condition 5 location, but the Drop Zone suggests players have hazard suits that will buy them a few minutes. And then the back panel has stats for Cryosuits? Were you originally going to do this on the cold side of the planet and forgot to change the suits?
Theme: I was going to give this part marks because it seemed like the only mythology was around Markham's "legendary" flight. But I twigged at the last minute that "Ikkari" is probably a reference to Icarus. Might be better to just be overt and call it the Icarus.
Layout: It looks clean, but there are some things that appear twice and probably don't need to. The Sun Gremlin stats also appear in two places, as do the rules for attaching cables to the hardpoints. Probably don't need to put the goals in two different places either (even though they're redacted in one of those places). Finally, I think it's pretty important to have the map and the location descriptions on the same side of the page if at all possible, as flipping back and forth constantly is going to be a pain.
Utility: Could be turned into a 5/5 easily post-jam if you address the map issue and clarify what kind of protection the players have and what, if anything, triggers heat levels to increase.
Favorability: Conceptually, easily one of my favorites of the jam so far. I get the sense that most of the issues I have with it are probably related to running out of time and rushing at the end? Anyway, love it, full marks for favorability, and hope you'll tighten the screws after the jam.
super helpful! thank you! definitely tuning this up before it officially drops. The cryo protection...I can make this more clear: the liquid helium tanks/spray gun are from the original mission, used to freeze things, so I was thinking the cryo suit is more like an antiquated hazard suit (only good for cold, and not for both). Good points!
Oh, okay. What gave me the impression that the cryosuits were from an earlier cold-themed version is that it says you'll get frostbite in 1D5 rounds if they rupture, which does not seem like it is going to be a problem here. But I guess you mean if you happened to be wearing one in the sort of environment it was intended for.
That's what I was thinking, to help immerse you in this world. maybe I adjust the description: "Antiquated design, for pressurized use in extreme cold only."
Great design and very cool mechanics. I like the ticking clock and effects of heat. I'm assuming the ancient myth is gremlins, right? They're a fun way to raise the stakes.
Presentation is good but it's dense and I was lost a couple of times. Since the module conditions key and map is on a different page than the descriptions, I was having to flip back and forth to try to piece things together. I also forgot that the numbers in diamonds were for module conditions and not for the map locations. Maybe it would help if they were a different color?
Does the blue Special Rules header mean that the rest of the headers on that panel are part of it? Maybe Module Conditions and Installing Cables etc could be smaller subheaders to make that clearer.
It's jam-packed with gameplay. I think this would be a blast to run.
Thanks! I've swapped the map and gremlins sections; flip the flap for the map, illustration on the back. Still working on how to differentiate the Module Conditions from the room number a bit more, could be that icon color, might be that title highlights change...
On theme: I read a lot more Prometheus in the sense of scientific advancement and self-sacrifice than Icarus overall, but I think it's a novel angle if maaaaybe a bit too 'historical' than 'mythological'?
That said, everything content-wise rips very hard! Supremely readable layout, the map pops, I love the Condition keying and the time pressure/choice to save the ship or the crew. I also think the sun gremlins are an excellently chaotic wild card! I'd potentially recommend futzing with the placement of the one NPC's portrait that overlaps the inside fold line, and consider moving the map to the outside-left panel so the Warden doesn't need to flip the pamphlet over back and forth to read the map and the room descriptions! Huge wins overall, would have a blast running this!
Thanks! I think I can pick up your Prometheus-read...might be able to inject more "got too close to the sun" vibes in the "what's really going on" section, or maybe by removing the one sentence in the intro about changing trans-warp science forever. I had a similar thought moving the map back to the inside (would need to move the NPCs to the flap). Sequencing this one has been a good challenge.