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Borne Upon Our Shoulders's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| THEME — How well is the jam theme used? | #5 | 4.136 | 4.136 |
| WRITING — How does this read? does it emanate with horror, humor, drama...? | #19 | 3.773 | 3.773 |
| FAVORABILITY — how much do you personally like the submission? | #19 | 3.455 | 3.455 |
| Overall | #23 | 3.565 | 3.565 |
| ART — How good is the art/graphic design? | #24 | 3.682 | 3.682 |
| LAYOUT — How well does the module get across information? | #30 | 3.455 | 3.455 |
| UTILITY — Does complexity inspire game prep? Or Is it very "Pick-up-n-Play"? | #31 | 3.273 | 3.273 |
| GAME DESIGN — How good is the game balance or concepts there in? | #32 | 3.182 | 3.182 |
Ranked from 22 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
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Very fun, i have notes but i’m rushing to get my last few things reviewed, DM me and we can talk!
Great concept, but I found the map exploration aspect of it not matching the atmosphere that well. I wonder what fun things you could concoct if you did not have to spend most of the inner spread on a mundane map. Also on a more technical note I do not think the map connection lines work at all (too thin, too short, weird alignment with central image).
Vibey layout and art. Good use of space, text is clear, panel flow is dynamic. Locations could use more immediate ways players can interact with them and another colour could really punch up the visuals. Overall, a solid adventure already, excited to see what it can become!
I really like the vision! I have two thoughts which haven't really been articulated in previous comments that I think can help, take these in no way as me disliking this, I think it balls out and I'd certainly invite this adventure the family barbeque.
First thought:
A little bit of texture in your black and white panels can help hide where your art ends and your text begins. Changing the intensity of these textures from the adventures "start" to where it climaxes can help tie design to content.
Second thought:
The story seems to have a natural dead end when a PC party doesn't cut the hand off a body to bring into the next room. Read blind, this forces a group to go back and forth between the Throne and the Generator triggering the crumbling table unnecessarily and sucking some wind out of the rising action of that part of the adventure. I'd recommend either adding something just before or after which would hint to Wardens and PCs that the King's Hand is something they want to go through the effort of bringing or suggest a possible ending using Reliquary Loot.
Overall, awesome work! I hope to see this one grow!
Hey, thanks for the feedback! Yes, the texture thing is something I was debating and ultimately didn't have time to integrate. The photograph of the moon on the cover has a lovely texture to it that is ultimately what I'd probably apply to the rest.
That is an excellent point regarding the final puzzle that I'd not really considered! My writing this time was definitely focused on vibes rather than traditional adventure design, so now that's something I can go back in and tighten up.
Pretty cool. Classic "big scary thing underground that can obliterate the planet" (moon in this case) but it does exactly what it's supposed to do, and this seems like a serviceable adventure.
This is a solid module with a great premise and a tough choice at the end.
Here are some questions/suggestions/feedback:
It would be fun to know what the titans do after they are freed. Would they help the PCs? Would they escape the planet? Are they dangerous?
Fun, evocative ideas. I appreciate the tables and statted ship. My brain just had trouble with the spatial aspects. Good job!
Really strong and original idea at the core (haha) of it all. What you have is also well-written and clear (although there's room to add more). I think the random table for descent should just be a strong sequence of layers (Wardens can skip the ones they don't like or reorder/randomize themselves). The relics could be tied to locations. Once the crew gets inside, the threats are a bit limited. Explicitly having the giants going mad all around them, maybe one hunting them through ruins, etc. would add some dynamic pressure - falling rocks aren't that exciting on their own, so use those a bit more sparingly or have them trigger other events (you're already on the way there, but can go harder on that!). I'm not sure how I'd effectively convey the A/B choice and its consequences at the end to players. What would a third option look like? What if the crew never go to the generator? The module seems a bit reliant on certain sequences of events, both on the descent and exploration. Good job overall though, I'd use this as the strong basis for designing my own larger adventure.
Hey, thanks for the feedback! The threats themselves were meant to be limited as I wanted the focus to be in the feeling of the place rather than specific dangers (a sense of melancholy rather than terror). I get the feedback on the descent table - I'm not sure I'd turn what I have into a sequence of events or have a series of events with this as a modifier table.
I may expand this a bit into a zine down the line so that I can add more content while maintaining the minimalist design, but we'll see!
Hey, thanks for the feedback! To clarify, the crust isn't 1 km thick - that's the approximate distance from the interior's surface to the ceiling above.
Curious if you could clarify what was unclear around the Crumbling Effects?
The 5-8 result reads like it hits only #5 "The Temple", but I think it's meant to hit the location corresponding to the result? (1-4 is worded that way). Do the Crumbling Effects AND the Body Save happen on 5-8 if the crew are there?
My bad on the crust! I think I am having trouble with that sentence.
Fair enough! Appreciate the clarity, and that you enjoyed the concept/layout. I agree with the art on the center panel if page two - that was a last minute change that I almost instantly regretted.
A lot of this was an experiment on my part as to how minimalistic I could make an adventure and still have it be, well, a usable adventure, so there's definitely some rough corners.
It's a great idea! I hope we get to see you take the feedback you like and polish up those corners post-jam.
Art: The paintings are great, but the graphic design isn't up to the same standards.
Writing: I appreciate the ambition here, especially given the jam theme. Some of the visuals are very evocative. I feel like there's a mismatch in scale between something this epic and the trifold format, however. A trifold adventure will necessarily be short and I think it's inevitable that the pacing will be off for a discovery on this scale. Perhaps a setting guide rather than an adventure would have been the way to go.
There's also a plot hole in terms of the atmospheric physics. Does the moon have enough gravity to sustain one or not? If not, then how is melting the ice caps going to make one? If so, then why is the interior going to explosively decompress if the crust cracks?
Game Design: The plot is gated at two key locations by puzzles that the players may not have a realistic in-character way to solve. How are they supposed to guess that the funicular is powered by blood? If no one has the requisite skills to know what the transit system is and how to activate it, then the endgame is only going to be triggered by players doing stuff "because it's there and the game designer obviously expects me to do something with it," which isn't particularly satisfying as a player.
Theme: Full marks. It's maybe more mythology than Mothership, and I would say maybe this leans too hard into science fantasy to work in a normal Mothership campaign, but I'm not going to penalize you for emphasizing the theme we were told to use.
Layout: The map is probably the weakest part of the visual design. The connections between the locations need a little more emphasis and in particular, I would give some space between the connections to/from the Temple and the painting, because they're almost invisible where they run alongside the edge of the art.
Utility: As written, I don't think the scope of the adventure matches the promise of the setup, so it would be hard to run a satisfying scenario just using what's in the pamphlet. From the player's perspective, they've discovered an entire moon-sized underground world full of giants to explore, and there would be an overwhelming amount of ad-libbing needed for the Warden to live up to that promise. Just ushering the players through two puzzle gates while rolling randomly for falling rocks would not be satisfying.
Favorability: TL;DR I love the concept, but not the actual adventure.
I love this module and would definitely play it.
The art is fantastic, the design is super useful, the writing evocative, I felt like everything was intuitive and worked well together.
Two small pieces of feedback:
1. The first location was labeled the crash site, I wasn’t clear why it was a “crash” and not a “landing”. If it is a crash I feel like that could’ve developed more in the ship description maybe, “as you approach the moon XYZ happens.”
2. I think the front page is less appealing than the back and interior. If I saw it in the store it wouldn’t “Jump off the shelf” at me. Maybe the moon could be shaking or breaking apart? Show the drill ship on approach?Something that conveys the urgency, mystery or excitement of the scenario.
The art is badass, and the theming is on-point. Love that you snuck in a funicular mention in there, too!