- Cool painted art! Would have been extra good if the moon was in the same style.
- Layout is clean, great use of black and white. Could use more margins and space to breathe in places (e.g. around the art). Map element could be clearer.
- I don't think you've used the term Trojan properly. And only 1km of crust is nothing!
- I LOVE the vibes for this one! Epic visuals of the interior of a planet with crumbling ceilings and falling titans! If it was me, I'd push the giant body horror harder.
- The descriptions of locations are hard to parse. I'm not sure how to interpret some phrases (needs an editor?).
- The temple has a chance to get immediately blocked off when the funicular gets crushed - seems bad to cut the crew off from important stuff.
- Results on Crumbling effects table could be better described.
- The Transit Station feels like it doesn't belong. I get the forced choice (save the planet or save yourselves), but the means could use more thought and better integration with the rest of the environment.
- First paragraph in The Descent is unnecessary.
- I don't see the point of running the Descent with random events if you just end up crashing the ship anyway. Maybe this part could be rethought and reworked to better build the suspense.
- Need a few more hints about 'what's really going on'.
Viewing post in Borne Upon Our Shoulders jam comments
The 5-8 result reads like it hits only #5 "The Temple", but I think it's meant to hit the location corresponding to the result? (1-4 is worded that way). Do the Crumbling Effects AND the Body Save happen on 5-8 if the crew are there?
My bad on the crust! I think I am having trouble with that sentence.
Fair enough! Appreciate the clarity, and that you enjoyed the concept/layout. I agree with the art on the center panel if page two - that was a last minute change that I almost instantly regretted.
A lot of this was an experiment on my part as to how minimalistic I could make an adventure and still have it be, well, a usable adventure, so there's definitely some rough corners.