itch.io

Played this the other night with my group and we absolutely loved it. It has a great central mystery with excellent reveals for the players. The setting was horrific and uniquely flavorful while still familiar enough for everyone to navigate. Very easy as a warden to pick up and run after one or two read throughs.

Can’t say enough good things about it, would be great for a new group or seasoned mothership players!

hey, I saw your comment on Discord- not sure if you’re looking for additional feedback, but I think including “the players are trapped in a tin can where everything is going wrong, worms are burrowing through the hull, and oxygen levels are plummeting.” as a tag line on the cover would contextualize the module a lot. A few sensory details for the malfunctions, the smell of ozone, the shrill alarm, etc. would go a long way to make it feel more immediate and immersive.

Thank you! Let me know how it goes if you use it!

Thank you! I really botched the theme. When I first read the rules I conflated theme and focus and thought both were optional and then didn’t reread the rules until I was about to submit. I’ll be more careful next time.

Thank you! These are great suggestions!

Incredible submission! I love the three competing NPCs as a device, especially the trust fund weapons dealer. 

This is just my personal opinion, but when I see a star destroyer/end of the world or universe type plot device my eyes glaze over a little bit from its overuse. But other people clearly love it! One thing to consider, I think part of why the original Star Wars trilogy worked is because they were trying to stop the Death Star after it destroyed Alderon. Same with Avengers Endgame Part 2, Thanos successfully did the snap. I don’t know why, but it counterintuitively seems to raise the suspense and it might be worth setting the Star Killer adventure post first use.

I love the incorporation of the Sisyphus myth! In general, I love morally gray problems so the alien lifecycle being interrupted was a wonderful turn of the screw. I think the title, layout, design and utility are all fantastic. For me this didn’t “emanate horror”, their description was a bit scientific/clinical, which I liked, but I think that undercut the tension in some ways? I think some art of the aliens would go a long way. The tables were awesome and I intend to use them immediately, especially the decompression table which I loved.

One of my favorite submissions, great job! I hope you keep developing this story. 

I think this was my favorite submission. The cover is great, the concept is great, I love the weirdness. Great job!

i didn’t reply to this before, but thank you! I really appreciate it!

Thank you so much! This made my day

For starters it looks fantastic, I glanced at this one early on and you've made tremendous improvements.  I like the pale blue, but I wonder what it looks like with white instead of yellow, as I think the yellow is more eye-catching but less thematic with the frozen ice. Or perhaps swapping the black background with white?  I think something could be tweaked here to make it more evocative of the environment. 

 I am very intrigued by the legend and the way you've set this up feels very much like a Star Trek: The Next Generation episode in a good way.  I like how you've visually grouped the information with the subtle off set box shadow. I'm a little unclear of why the crew is coming here, like, what is the beautiful AI apparition able to offer them that would get them to go into obvious danger? Obviously, wardens can figure something out, but if you have something specific in mind I didn't pick it up on my first read through. Also, are there signs of the previous expedition outside of the base? I think a description of the outside of the facility could go a long way as crews are probably going to be hesitant to enter and eager for clues. 

We get a few hints at what this ancient civilization is like, my impression I'm leaving with is a peaceful, hive, cocoon using insect? I'm not clear who or what did the pictograms in the Chrysalis, but I'm guessing that was the previous crew and not the ancient civilization. I think it would be worthwhile to think about what kind of people the Vesnians are and what kind of clues, or conflicting clues, you want to leave, because that is a major factor in the decision of whether to try and wake them or just leave them asleep. 

Great job!

Thanks! I really appreciate the feedback!

Very excited to read this one! Have you listened to Old Gods of Appalachia? Seems like it would be up your alley. 
First off, while I love the title page, you are sacrificing a lot of space and the other pages  are very text heavy. I had to zoom in to 150% to read it comfortably.
I really like the typewriter font but I found the white on red very difficult to read. 
I'm a little unclear who Reuben is in the context of this community/setting besides the person who found the Ichor. A recently arrived mining company owner? I think a clarification when he is first mentioned "REUBEN MOSS, owner of Miners Inc who recently arrived to look for Ichor, has hired". Obviously, that's a clunky example, I'm sure there's a better wording. 
Same with Father Joseph. "Those gripped by REVELATION IIÍ-- most have been ripped from the guidance FATHER JOSEPH. " should this be "the guidance of Father Joseph" or "by Father Joseph".  On first pass I assumed Father Joseph was intentionally having people go made with divine revelation but as I get further in I think maybe it's the opposite. 
The first mention of the ABOMINATION caught me off guard as I thought I had missed something.  "If the ABOMINATION is released, he faces it and is killed." This makes it sound like it's a monster but the later description makes it sound like an illness. Also, unless I'm missing something, the Abomination Stats section doesn't have stats in it?

Love the art of the gang at the bottom of page two.  I'm unclear what the building is supposed to be in the Reuben Moss section. 

Overall, I love the setting, I see how this could be a ton of fun to play and it comes through you all had a great time creating this. A lot of the language around the religious stuff works really well and the unexplored revelations was very tantalizing.  I think taking a step back to establish what is the key pieces of information a Warden would need and making sure those are clearly communicated early on would go a long way. Maybe because this is like 30th module I've read, in the last two weeks, and many contained evil corp science experiments, but the Bio-syn stuff is less interesting and original to me than the religious and mining.  I think cutting the bio tech company,  expanding on the religious and mining elements would make this thematically stronger and more cohesive and simplify things to improve the utility. Alternatively, you could turn the secret lab into the mine and making Abomination into Ichor overexposure and I think it would streamline things.

Great job!

Snipe hunts hold a special place in my heart, so I was very excited to read this. I will say in my personal experience, the "snipe" was small bird that hid, not a scary creature. Regardless, I think it's a very clever use of the theme. My thoughts as I read through:

I don't know if there's an official panel order, but I think all of the ones I have read here has had their front panel on the far right and back on the far left. 

I don't think you need to put Barrow and Raine in quotes.
As others have mentioned, the handwritten font is a bit hard to read, especially with these background colors. Maybe try bolding or lightening/darkening the background colors. 
On first read through, which I did left to right, I'm a little unclear about the Henko page. Presumably this is the block construction mentioned on the first page, I would clarify that as "a block construction, the abandoned Henko facility," if that is the case. 
The Henko spike cap page is taking up a lot of real estate for only applying to one of the 10 variations. If this is going to be central to gameplay I would include it in more of the snipe variations. 
I'm a little unclear on the meaning of this sentence, "If the *SNIPE* has manifested, do not trigger a new Trespass until the party has lost or slain the beast. " So the trespass sections only come into play when the party is trying to return home?

I think you're on to something really good here with the Snipe Hunt theme, the handwritten style, the monster hunting people, but I don't feel like it all came together in this package. Part of this is based on my expectations going into this. If I were to rework it I would have a troupe of Space Scouts going on a snipe hunt only to be hunted and eaten by a monster and in need of rescue (too dark? The children are the players' "snipes" because they've all been eaten! haha) or maybe the nosy PCs are sent into a dangerous forest/jungle by the bad guy to find a special creature that doesn't exist as a red herring. 

Thank you for the feedback! Are you referring to the title at the top with the checker background or the the other changes to make it more like a menu? Here is the version with the original header but the other changes in place for reference. 

The art is so great and I think my personal favorite of the jam. I also have a deep love of bugs and praying mantises in particular as well as obelisks, ancient lost civilizations and some of the other tropes you've used.  Given that there are these familiar elements, I think it could have felt stale, but the art, the added dice mechanic, the solid writing and the easy playability all really elevate this adventure. There was an Brenan Lee Mulligan quote about how execution is everything and you really did a great job executing this one shot.  

I do think the Deactivation and Destroying the Obelisk (normally) endings could be punched up a bit. For example, even if they briefly see the Star Presence, that should come with a greater consequence than a stress point and  panic role, in my opinion. 

Great job! If I play it with my group I will send you a note on how it goes. 

The sparse layout works without it seeming like a Word doc. I really enjoy the art as well, especially the rorsach ink blots. 
This seems really interesting to me as a narrative device, but to be candid, I don't think I would personally use the tension points/super intelligences. As a Warden/DM, I'm someone who is already struggling to keep track of all of the mechanics while juggling the narrative and often for to call for a panic check or add stress for example (fortunately my players have learned to pick up the slack for me in that area). I really LOVE the table, as I think provides a lot of extremely useful prompts to ratchet up the tension and flesh out descriptions of the place or relationship between characters naturally. As a Warden, I have struggle to create a sense of horror and tend to drift into horror-comedy when coming up with something to say on the spot, so for me, I could see using this table as a stand alone aid In fact, I think I'm going to cut it out and tape it to the inside of my warden screen. 
Let me know if you have any specific questions you want me to address!

I really liked the front page art! Like the black and white layout. 
I assume the logs are sprinkled in at warden's discretion.
I like the villain and the Gorgon. One thing I didn't fully gather on the first read through was that the gorgon in this case is appearing on a screen and isn't a physical object.  My first thought, before reading, was whether players could use cameras or reflections to negate or mitigate the gorgon's effect. No one else has mentioned this, so maybe it's just me, haha, but I firmly had Clash of the Titans in my mind going into it. 
I didn't see the mechanics for how the psychic inception works, is this established elsewhere in Mothership rules? I think it would be worth clarifying explicitly if not. 
I love all the tables! Great job overall

I had some free time this morning and I attempted to make the first page look like a 1950s menu, if you have a minute, I'd love to know if you think it "works" for the adventure or is a step in the wrong direction. If you're too busy, no worries! No need for detail specific feedback.

In general, I love a resort location. I feel like the conversion of stress to experience is a little onerous and stingy in Mothership, especially given that there's such a high chance of a character dying, so I'm always looking for adventures that can do double duty. As an alternative hook, the players could be resting/converting stress when everything goes to hell. 
Love the cover art, the color choice,  NPC profile pics and descriptions. With the NPCs I thought you did a good job giving them personality in a short space. Mira's broadcasts had me laughing out loud and were my favorite part. 
I thought everything was very playable and easy to follow. There is a bit of a video game quality to this where we're clearing rooms with guns blazing which is more "action-horror" than my personal taste and I think it would be a few too many rooms for a one-shot, not that there's anything wrong with that. This is just my opinion, but I think you have a real flare for dialogue and description and the space on the second page my be better served by fewer rooms with more roleplaying fleshed out. At the same time, you've done a great job placing all the necessary details for the wardens to run with it themselves, so I don't think changes are necessary as it works great as is. 

re: 4 I totally see the fun in starting with nothing and slowly acquiring weapons and equipment. Like, you’ve had to kill a radiation zombie former coworker with your bare hands and now your new weapon is…a mop handle, haha. It adds to the Die Hard action adventure quality of it.

To start with, visually the first page is great. The cover art is awesome, I love the menu design, the art on the front fold is killer. I love the names of the items on the menu and the build a nymph is very clever.  You did a great job of integrating an ancient myth into a sci-fi setting. The second page is, I think less visually appealing, but is very playable. All the information you need is clearly laid out and on the page and the design is accessible and gives us everything we need to play a session. From a color, font and "feel" I think the second page could be revisited to make it feel more like the inside of an erotic club. Perhaps you could incorporate the curvy neon light lines from the front instead of the hard right angles and flat colors? Or they could be more cord like or S&M themed. I don't know. 

I personally haven't run an overtly sexual adventure at my table (which is three couples), but I think the hook of rescuing someone from the testing chamber would completely work with my group without anyone being put off in any way. I think you've struck the right balance on a tricky topic where it would be fun for most people is what I'm trying to say.  Great job! 

This is really phenomenal, I'm super impressed by the density, clarity and flavor of all the information, y'all have really pulled off something impressive. The cover art and title are sick. It immediately makes me want to pick it up and dive in.  I love the way you set up everything with the story items and timeline. Everything is super useful, looks great and is well thought out.

A few small notes:
1. I was a little confused by the back and forth between using Dr. Rollo and the Scientist. It made it seem like there were two separate people but I think after reading it is just one person?
2. I too have a villain with a syringe and scalpel finger in my adventure!
3. The ancient god tomb story hook isn't doing much for me personally. I know ancient myth is the theme and you did a great job integrating it, but just for my personal taste I would probably flavor it differently if I ran it.  
4. I don't think the items table is worth the space (although I laughed at the descriptions!) but if you did want to keep it I would make it so you can roll for a random item and maybe  swap out some of the weapons with things more directly plot related. Some hastily ripped open radiation sickness patches or keycard with limited security access or something. Alternatively, the radiation sickness table in the Player's Survival guide is pretty puny, I think developing something that is cranking up the pressure as the adventure goes on would be fun. 
5. For the star in the legend it says Tier 1 NPC (1d10) I'm reading that as how many NPCs are there, I might change it from "NPC" to "NPCs" but I'm not sure what the proper way to do that would be. 

Really fantastic stuff!

I see what you mean, thanks for the advice

I love this module and would definitely play it.

The art is fantastic, the design is super useful, the writing evocative, I  felt like everything was intuitive and worked well together.

Two small pieces of feedback:

1. The first location was labeled the crash site, I wasn’t clear why it was a “crash” and not a “landing”. If it is a crash I feel like that could’ve developed more in the ship description maybe, “as you approach the moon XYZ happens.”

2. I think the front page is less appealing than the back and interior. If I saw it in the store it wouldn’t “Jump off the shelf” at me. Maybe the moon could be shaking or breaking apart? Show the drill ship on approach?Something that conveys the urgency, mystery or excitement of the scenario.

BTW, if you have any design suggestions I’d love to hear them! I’m trying to figure out what I can do to improve it.

This was my first time making a trifold and using Affinity and I definitely ran into a wall with what to do creatively (hence the blood splatter background). Perhaps I might be better served partnering with someone more experienced. 

The art is hand drawn and lightly photoshopped, I’m glad you liked it! Making it was one of the most enjoyable parts of the process.

Thank you! Appreciate the feedback, layout and design are definitely my biggest weaknesses.

The art and layout are fantastic. Phenomenal use of the black and white in service of the theme of the module. The logo is great as well. 
In terms of writing, The Rite of Passage throws a lot of new concepts and jargon at us in a short space. There were several sentences that I had to pause and reread, the search back through the previous text to sort out what is happening. 
I feel like there are so many great ideas, but they are lost a bit in the lack of clarity by not having enough space to get fleshed out more and this impacts the "utility".  For example, the "Sol-mates" is very clever and add flavor, but I spent time trying to determine what the importance was Sol-mate vs Enlightened and I don't think it impacts the game play. All the priests could just be sol-mates or Enlighted and it would be fine, unless the players are expected to rescue their specific sol-mate during the long night. It would probably be best to stick with just one term for simplicities sake. I can identify more examples if you would like, but I don't want to belabor the point.
That said, I love the concept, the monsters, the church and priests, all of it really. I think to take it to the next level, you'd have to make some tough choices on cutting down material to simplify and make it more accessible or expand beyond the trifold format to flesh it out more. 

thank you for the feedback, I really appreciate it!