Great start! I appreciated the small details you've given to hint at what this world's about; seems like you have a lot of ideas for a bigger mystery. Hope you'll continue the project. :)
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Amberjay's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Narration | #25 | 3.250 | 3.250 |
| Overall feeling | #32 | 3.083 | 3.083 |
| Theme | #33 | 2.667 | 2.667 |
| Originality | #35 | 2.917 | 2.917 |
Ranked from 12 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
Comments
I was quite impressed by the loop back to the mystery after picking "Opt out." Often that sort of detour feels forced, as if the author simply refuses to offer an option that will end the story prematurely (so shoehorns in some excuse for why it doesn't), but this gives a really good reason for the character to stick around.
It would have been good to see a few more options early on - even just things like that choice to say "Frowning MORE than usual?" that don't influence the plot - in order to be able to explore the character a little more. Also, I feel as though the introductory text could be polished a little further. There are a couple of lines - "The difference between my hometown and the big city was wildly different" stands out as one example - that just don't work, and the opening as a whole is very much "telling" rather than "showing." It picks up once we're actually following Amberjay in real time, though.
Submitted
LlamageddonI'm glad you liked the loop! It was one of my interesting ideas that I wanted to explore through the mystery.
And thanks for the tips! This is my first time in a while writing interactive fiction and my first time using Ink. I'll be looking to improve my writing in future drafts of this project, as well as future projects.
The story seems like it's heading interesting places. I enjoyed the dialogue and especially liked the character descriptions. A really fun first effort, I hope you write more!
Submitted
Memory BoxGlad to see you’re first go at a jam! I really enjoy the story so far, such a tease haha
Submitted
The Color Below
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