Play short story
Bond of Brothers's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Flow & Clarity | #27 | 3.346 | 3.346 |
| Adherence to Theme | #31 | 2.962 | 2.962 |
| Overall | #32 | 3.244 | 3.244 |
| Concepts & Originality | #36 | 3.423 | 3.423 |
Ranked from 26 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
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Comments
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Fun story with a good flow, but I’m left wondering where the connection to the theme is. If it’s hidden in subtlety, it might be hidden too well.
Barely made the squad and already bucking for a promotion. Good on you, Jack. I really enjoyed this. Had some John Carter vibes. Well done.
Barely made the squad and already bucking for a promotion. Good on you, Jack. I really enjoyed this. Had some John Carter vibes. Well done.
Fun story. I'd like to read more of it.
Fun, good characterization, and contrast between the two characters. Some kind of description of the beasts would have been nice, to help illustrate the action.
Fun, good characterization, and contrast between the two characters. Some kind of description of the beasts would have been nice, to help illustrate the action.
Enjoyable read. I know others have mentioned the subtlety of the theme, but I thought you displayed it well. My biggest question now is: how did Orcs manage to capture a Custodian? There's an interesting backstory there, I'm sure.
I enjoyed the character dynamics
Hah, I really love that the initial success of Vittoro was simply met with enthusiasm by the audience; they're not really here to torture him, they just want a good fight! Very charmingly orky.
Cute story, two very shippable MCs, yeah the writing could be improved by avoiding repitition but the pacing is great and it's easy to read. Good job!
This is a very well-paced story - it feels like it fits the word limit well without being too stretched or too cramped. I'm struggling to see the theme, though: is it meant to be Jack's detachment assignment that's "close enough", or is there something else I'm missing?
I admit the theme hasn't been obvious, but I tried to fit it in several places without pointing out. The jaw isn't a weapon, but it's "close enough." Vittoro isn't a Battle Brother, but he is "close enough." Jack isn't a fighter, but by the end he's "close enough." That's on me for not making it more obvious, and I'll completely understand if my rating takes a hit for it.
This was a fun waylay but your opening scene is actually a good teaching moment to showcase how redundancy can happen in writing: "sands of the ground beneath him" and "high walls surrounding him" and "aliens cheering/in a language he couldn't understand" and "inside the cage, slamming against the cage walls" and "tall, lean muscular, towering, 7 foot tall" - There's tons of these lines everywhere. Don't be afraid to use the short or incomplete descriptions of things and let the reader finish painting the picture with the rest of the text.
I really like the idea of a monster of a man calling an enemy a monster, that sentence alone makes sure that I know whatever it is, its big.
Thank you for the tip about repetition, I hadn't noticed how often I tended to describe something again and again. I'll have to keep that in mind to keep my word count more effecient. And thank you for reading my story, I can't wait to get to yours!