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TuringTuranbar

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A member registered Apr 15, 2023 · View creator page →

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That was delightful! I love the idea of a change daemon getting taken down by a couple of good ol' boys willing to hunker down and get to work.

I love finding a submission that totally outclasses mine. This was an excellent use of the prompt!

I ran out of space to explain more clearly--it wasn't actually the Hive Lord the second time, it was a group of Shadow Hunters that stayed behind and gradually learned how to take over the base.

I see two weaknesses in your story. First, it seems divorced from the Age of Fantasy setting--it mostly feels like you wrote a story about present-day high school and then palette swapped in some AoF trappings. Second, the ending felt forced; you don't win a fist fight in a ring by being a good strategist.

Your dialog was impressively natural, especially given the word count constraints. Thanks for sharing!

This was great! I do wish her execution had actually happened before the attack--with this order, it feels like she committed suicide just before she would have been rescued.

I like your story, and you definitely get props for actually making a coat of arms to accompany it! 

I do think it would fit the theme a little better if Antonio had done something unexpected or clever--it kind of felt like he tried to do a straight up fight, then ran away when it turned out the enemy was stronger than him.

I loved it! I also disagree with those who don't see it following the theme - Estoria was very definitely playing the part of strength in the narrative.

My only nitpick is that you have a typo in the 6th paragraph of the second column, "Estoria moved a second pawn to capture the one Estoria put forward". I'm pretty sure that Estoria was capturing K-7S2's pawn, not their own ;-)

I really liked your story, but I struggle to see the theme. Two ambush predators fighting doesn't give me the contrast that I want from "Strength vs Intelligence"

I wish you had done a lot less telling and a lot more showing.

Rather than telling me that the Orks are strong, give me a scene where an unyielding horde ignores their own losses and smashes through a defensive line. Instead of telling me that the Battle Brothers successfully set traps, explain how they pulled off an ambush, and the difference that makes. 

I had a hard time following the change in perspective, probably because they were both told in the first person. I'd recommend adding some kind of a visual break to let the reader know who is who.

Yep, you got it