Play book
Platoon Harbour's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Flow & Clarity | #23 | 3.522 | 3.522 |
| Overall | #50 | 2.739 | 2.739 |
| Adherence to Theme | #52 | 1.826 | 1.826 |
| Concepts & Originality | #53 | 2.870 | 2.870 |
Ranked from 23 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
Leave a comment
Log in with itch.io to leave a comment.
Comments
An alright tale, but what was the unlikely allies part? I mean Donoghue was already part of their platoon, so if anything he should be a likely ally, right? I did enjoy this story though, even if its 'ending' just sort of stopped abruptly rather than end on a proper cliffhanger. I would be keen to see it fully play out into a proper chapter or something.
I could see someone like Donoghue being a no sh*ts given type who gets in trouble a lot, so seeing him charge in after badmouthing his peers made him seem either not a total d-bag or one who has already had warnings before and didn't want to get another one.
Hi, thanks for you feedback.
Yes - I chose not to make the unlikely ally the obvious in the story. I avoided the cartoon like approach of saying - look an elf and an orc (for example), who are obviously not allies but will be in this story.
My version of unlikely allies is supposed to be more realistic (hopefully!).
The idea was that Donoghue and his "buddy" Zahir were subsidiary versions of unlikely allies (as why does Zahir stay allies with Donoghue who mistreats him).
The main usage is Donoghue and Fenton/Brookes - as Donoghue is supposed to be selfish etc. so is not a likely ally in terms of friendships.
It was not a strong representation, especially compared to the other stories i've read where its often right in your face, so I suppose I could aim prioritise the theme so its clearer for readers :)
Yeah, for me subverting expectations is what makes it fun.
While he did seem like a dick who maybe had some hold over Zahir, he doesn't come across as too moustache twirly bad guy despite it. So many adventurer manga arcs feature bullies and cocky types with barely any dimensions appear, with their sole reason for existing being to spotlight how the hero can resort to violence to put them in their place. Often with ease and in as humiliating a way as possible.
It's a realistic military story and it feels like the atmosphere is sound and tight (so very good!).
The at first deliquent Donighue becomes brave very suddenly when shtf ^^
The moment were Brookes throws himself behind the nearest tree to get out of harms way, played vividly in my "theatre of mind" (nice).
I'm looking forward to reading more from you.
Thank you very much for your positive feedback 😊
Nicely written, which unit did you serve?
Thanks! and yes, I was in something called the University of London Officer Training Corps - its the Territorial Army or Reserves for university students. A loooong time ago :)
Nice, that tracks, some word imagery is NOT imaginary 😸
This was a very well written story. In only a few words, you managed to establish 5 different characters, and there's definitely enough here to expand into more stories in the future.
Unfortunately, I don't think it fits the theme very well at all. You have a single set of protagonists and a single set of antagonists, and both feel pretty monolithic. With more space to develop your characters, you might be able to make Donoghue and Fenton feel like unlikely allies, but all you've managed in the space given is to establish that they're not the best of friends.
Hopefully you join future writing jams, I really appreciated your writing ability.
Thanks for your feedback and positivity! I am trying to get into writing at the moment, and this is my first piece in this setting. My other few have been a few children's poems.
Yes - I struggled to make the unlikely allies theme the forefront. TBH my version of unlikely allies is quite nuanced at best lol
The idea was that Donoghue and his "mate" Zahir were secondary versions of unlikely allies, and the main one being Donoghue trying to help Fenton. It was not a strong enough job by me, especially compared to the other stories i've read where its often right in your face! But I suppose I need to learn to hit the brief properly instead of write my own version :)