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This was a neat cat-and-mouse type story, making me think a lot of Metroid Fusion, Alien, and Predator.  The protagonist is clever enough when it comes to facing his opponent, and has a bit of a personality, which is nice.  And I especially like how he uses the electricity to trap the alien at the risk of his limited bodies, as well as using the blood to tell when the defective clone is near.  

At the same time, there were many times where I expected John to ask the AI a lot more and be a lot less trusting.  He remembers who he is, but we don’t get much about this AI and why he would trust it so freely.  And as a result, the twist of the AI being at least partially malicious wasn’t surprising.  If anything, I was surprised John never suspected it.

The story is fairly tight.  It doesn’t waste time.  But it could have used a bit more time to show John reflected/reacting.  When he shoots his leg off, you could have him note how he has limited bodies and has to make this count.  And having him react to the pain of the wound would also be pretty important.  And unfortunately the use of language is very repetitive.  The first paragraph uses the word “light” three times, and the next couple use “pod” and “metal pod” frequently, with very little variation.

I was left a little confused at the end as to why John’s next clone was alive in the civilization in the end.  I’m assuming that was part of the AI rewarding him.  But at the same time, I’m left wanting to know more overall, and just by the description of the domed area with the pink-orange sky makes me interested in the setting. As for this as a travel/journey story… I don’t think I could categorize it as such.  That isn’t a criticism of the quality of the story itself.  But the only significant travel in the story is the final clone waking up in the civilization.  The rest is kept to the space station in loops.  Given how short this story is, I think you could absolutely put in more aspects before the deadline that make it feel more journey-based.  Go nuts on lore-dumping.  I want to know why the AI does what it does, what organization is being the space age tech, and more.  These Live Die Repeat style stories are always a kick to follow.

Grammar errors?  In my literature???  Yeah, probably X{D

Appreciate the feedback.  

Glad the criticisms are taken to heart.  I try to be as even-handed as I can be with stuff like that, but it's 100% from a place of investment.  Want to see the best version of what people can make.

No worries.  That's really heartwarming to hear where you got the inspiration from.  

This kind of story has been told many, many times, especially with a western heist style.  But with that said, I cannot deny how well-presented and appealing this was to read.  The best writers are able to take tired tropes/plots and still make them interesting.  The world created here is fascinating without being overbearing.  Both characters immediately stand out and are very likeable.  It tells a tight story, and leaves plenty of breadcrumbs to want more.  

It makes me think of Samurai Jack, mixing a lot of time periods together: in this case, SciFi and Western.  The clash of cultures between our protagonists was handled very well.  The dialogue was believable: very human.

I would absolutely love to read more set in this universe, especially when it comes to the company Nipparad is fleeing to expose.

This story brought to mind a number of properties.  The way the Conductor acted and eventually warped into this monstrous form reminded me of Coraline.  The way everything has this nonsensical structure made me think of the ENA videos/game.  And there was a strong resemblance to the indie horror series “The Deep Sleep Trilogy”.  It’s a very compelling premise, having a woman in a deadly dreamscape and finding a companion.

It was hard at times to follow the story due to the grammar and spelling: capitalized letters when they weren’t needed, complete sentences, etc.  

The characters in the story don’t act too concerned overall in the story until things start ramping up.  I wasn’t sure if that was because they were trapped in a dream and thus would be affected by it.  I would have liked to find out more about Josie and Cassie as they roamed the train.

This feels like a story that would be really cool to watch visually: with shifting environments and fantastical art style quirks.  It was easy to visualize, and it was an interesting approach to horror.  Traveling via a dream train is a really cool idea, but at the same time, not too much travel-based storytelling happens.  It would have been really cool to have the destination the train is heading to be described and shown, even if the characters escape before reaching it.

This comes across as a very lived-in universe.  There’s a lot of lore, for both the characters and the setting.  I like how you include a lot of proper nouns for locations, and even the month of the year.  And I like that the characters clearly have history, not just with each other but independently.  At the same time, this is barely over 9 pages long and very dense with information.  None of it is boring, but it is very hard to digest and retain because it’s so densely packed.  I think it could benefit from being elongated, so that you can space out more of the exposition.  That would make it a lot easier to retain all the stuff about each character’s career/education pursuits.

The “vibe” of the story is very relaxed and comfy, and I mean that in a good way.  There’s no huge battle.  And even after the characters find the collapsed drone, it’s not treated as a threat.  It helps to reinforce the feeling of this just being a chill road trip with college friends trying to find their place in the universe.  Seeing those SciFi elements gives it that nice bit of spice.

The writing style was a bit difficult at times.  There are a lot of over-nested sentences that could get broken up.  And there’s a lot of exposition.  I’m very much an advocate for trying to fit in lore naturally through dialogue, but sometimes, it’s best to exposit more through narration.  And you do that here, especially later on in the story, but there are sections in the dialogue that sounds less natural with how much detail is being stated, in a very “As you know” sort of way.  You may want to consider removing some of the character lore from this specific entry so you can use it in later stories.  That way, the reader is able to digest the other details, and they’re left with more to learn later.

I’m unfortunately not seeing a lot of actual traveling in this story.  I was into the idea of some friends driving across a SciFi road and seeing different stuff, but once they reach the drone, they don’t really go anywhere else till the end.  I like that we hear about other places, but I was left wanting to see more of the setting.

The story I'm writing doesn't require artwork to visualize the characters, but I want to draw some of the characters for it anyway.  Is it okay to include the artwork?  And does the artwork affect anything?