itch.io

I appreciate your feedback.  And I enjoy seeing the different impressions people have of the characters.  It's been fascinating reading how some people find Syrol endearing while others find her annoying, and the same with Jorjun.  I really wanted all the characters to have multiple layers: focusing on how each one is operating on limited information and pre-set biases.

Are you telling me you didn't immediately fall head-over-heels for the small, noble lady?  I'm truly shocked! Not really

Bias in the POVs was a big part of the story/themes when writing, so it's a great relief that they were picked up on.  These are all characters who are operating on incomplete information, trying to coexist, with varying levels of interest in said coexistence.  It was a lot of fun contrasting Syrol and Jorjun, especially as it relates to someone with far more years of life experience versus someone who wants more.  

I greatly appreciate the feedback.  I'd love to write more with this setting in the future.

Queen Esperanza definitely interested me the most in this.  All the characters felt developed, but particularly the part where Selena brings up the assassination plot, it did a lot to show how complicated Esperanza was, and how her people saw her.  

I just felt bad for Talia the entire time, and I'm glad she was treated as more sympathetic.  I would have definitely liked to get more on if there were other options for her.  Because as it is, it feels like she was doomed to villainy by nature of having to survive, and thus being treated unfairly.

I liked how the magic was handled overall.  Could have used some more elaboration on fairies generally, especially since we only really see (or hear of unless I'm forgetting something) Selena and Talia.  But the use of magic throughout was fairly coherent rather than confusing.

Scene transitions could have used some work, but for the most part, I was able to follow what was happening as I kept reading (such as when Valeria thinks she's at her coronation when she's really sleeping).

Neat little concept.  Definitely could use a text file to explain the controls, but I got it after a bit.  It's very easy to root for the mundane NPC.  Poor guy just wanted to help out his favorite Adventure Quest protagonist.

No worries.  I remember a number of times when someone's read my stuff and thought it was going in a direction I hadn't thought of, and I was kicking myself over not having thought of it beforehand.  But the upside is you've always got time to refine the story for the future.  And even with some of the missed opportunities, this is a very charming and coherent tale.

That clarification helps a lot.  I kind of guessed the AI might have been damaged from the incident, but I didn't want to assume.

Is this part of a larger story you've already written or plan to write?  It feels like it belongs to a larger one with the lore and relationships already built into it.

No need to apologize.  It's always ten times easier to notice someone else's grammar or spelling errors than it is to notice it in one's own stuff.  And even with those problems, this was a fun read.

This story made me think of the Pagemaster, and in a good way.  It’s very charming.  The Library of Dreams, Owen the Owl, Reyna and the other Ravens; it’s all very warm and welcoming.  It’s a creative approach to the story.

I would have liked more in the story for sure: more showing the protagonist’s dream and the context surrounding it for instance.  And when the protagonist so quickly after starting to talk about all the sleep and study issues, it seemed sudden.  That could easily be fixed with more build-up narration, showing more agitation and such before it happens.

This was easy to follow and very pleasant as a read.  Dare I say, it’s cute even.  And I really like how the dreams are portrayed in general, including the way decay and such occurs.

There was very little in the ways of a journey or travel in this story, except for the fact that they are camping during a journey.  What’s here is a neat bit of character work.  The lore is a bit blocky in how it’s presented, but it’s not dense.  It gives a general idea of what both characters are like. 

This is a very tense story.  Jam’s anxiety about the mission in general is very clear and she has very human reactions.  There’s a lot of build-up, and I like that certain aspects of the process are given some explanations, such as the backup tanks.  I also like that the characters are given some distinct traits, and mutual interests.

Things like soap operas, anime, and memes being mentioned in a near-22nd Century time period has me conflicted.  I’m not sure they fit, but at the same time, I think it’s possible they would still be around and referred to.  I think it would have sounded more organic with a bit more in-universe description about how culture has progressed.  Also the part about Jam’s favorite character from the soap opera and the self-insert was very funny.

I had a hard time following the story unfortunately, especially when it came to keeping track of time.  The paragraphs are very short and spaced out, and events happen quite rapidly.  As such, I spent a good chunk not really keeping track of why certain things were happening.  And it wasn’t helped that much of the context for the story is scattered thinly across it.  Some more dense narrations where we find out why this all came to be would have been greatly appreciated.

Unfortunately, I don’t think this does enough to count as a journey/travel type of story.  It’s about the process of getting ready to time travel, but the most we get is the time travel jump itself.  We don’t see any of the past environments, and the machine being used takes up only a few pages.

This was very compelling.  The opening especially was very efficient with its time: making clear what was happening, and including plenty of key information to make the setting feel real.  The terminology was easy to follow, if quite frequent.  I also really liked the dialogue and some of the humor.  The Lord of the Rings reference jokes were especially nice: sounding like something a group of soldier buddies would totally say.  

The story also handles the ominous and alien feeling of these dimensional jumps very well.  Lines like, “There were no people here.  But there were birds,” were great.  It made everything feel like a cosmic disaster could strike at any moment, or some horrific creature could show up.  The soldiers have appropriate reactions to how strange everything is compared to their world.

My only real complaint is that the story moves very quickly and the scenes are very short.  I could have easily read a version of this story where every scene was double the length, especially with David’s family.  At the end, I was a little confused, wondering how the line about Suse’s death relates to the scene with the chocolate bar (how much time has passed between them and such).  The story hooks the reader very well, but you’re not given enough time with each scene before it goes to the next.

I would absolutely love to read more in this setting.  It feels like a SciFi version of some Tom Clancy novel.

I’d describe this as a wholesome story.  It was fun to see how Karl would describe modern-day technology and architecture and then figure out what he was experiencing from said descriptions.  But at the same time, I’m feeling a lack of character.  Everyone shares a generally pleasant and calm demeanor, save for a few instances, and I think if that was explained more, it would be fine.  And especially when Karl decides he wants to live in Mack and the General’s world, I was hoping for more development leading into that.  We get some information about each setting and character, but there could have been a lot more.  All three of the main characters could talk or show more of their history and beliefs.  And all the different worlds could get more detail and lore explained about them: such as Mack or the General giving an overview of each dimension’s history as they visit.  Getting to see some different creatures and such was neat, but it felt glossed over.

I really like the lane keys, and the lore surrounding them.  You did a good job in describing a lot of their functions.  I like how the story has this sort of twist where it isn’t time travel but multiverse travel.

I feel like there should have been more urgency in the story at times.  The General being so quick to explore Karl’s world, interfering with other worlds in general, and allowing Karl to live in the General and Mack’s world seemed like something that should have more precautions and concerns before being decided on.

Additionally, I had difficulty following the story at times.  The sentence structure swaps between tenses often, has incomplete sentences, and lacks necessary commas at times.  I was able to figure things out as I went, but it made it harder to read unfortunately.

Early on specifically, there are some elongated sentences, and the story has some tense changes between present and past that could be tightened.  But the more I read, the easier it was to follow.  There are a lot of versions of the Red Riding Hood story, but I’m always up for new ways to tell them, and I think this is a pretty neat version.

Something I especially appreciate about this story is how you show more of Rebecca’s family before her journey.  Most versions of this story spend little to no time on her immediate family, and I like that her parents and home life are given some time.  But at the same time, I wish they got more.  There is a lot more that could be said about the argument the parents have.  I was waiting for the father to say something like “You’re worried about grandma but you’ll let our daughter go in the woods alone?”

The restructuring of the monster, the wolf, and Wilson as a character was really interesting as well.  I would have loved to see those areas given far more time.  Spending some more time at home before the journey would have given more time for the parents and Wilson.  And showing more of the journey for Rebecca and the wolf would have given us more of a journey feeling to story and more room to have the wolf talk about her own life.

I was also a little confused when Rebecca reacted so calmly to a talking wolf and would have liked some in-universe clarity on if that was considered normal for the setting.  And while I really enjoyed the visual symbolism used for Wilson in his disturbing transformations, I feel there was more that could be done there as well.  He seems like a really interesting antagonist to learn more about.  By no means am I saying you “should” do this, but just as an idea, what if Wilson survived his injuries and had to flee, but when Rebecca gets home, she finds that Wilson is back there and lied to her family, forcing her to use her wits to defeat him in a future installment of the story and show more of the setting?

I hope this doesn’t sound overly negative because it’s quite the opposite.  I was quite invested with this retelling and I really like the changes you made.  I just wanted more of what you already have.  And I would love to read more with these characters.

This is a very charming short story that sounds like something I’d read in a tween novel series, with coming-of-age struggles accented with some magic.  There is some genuinely clever writing, such as how the pancakes are foreshadowed, how Pseu outsmarts Kit’s insecurities near the end, and how things like the boat and the staff work.  There’s some pretty funny narration used as well.  It has a sassy flare to it that keeps the tone lively and friendly.

What’s hurting the story most for me is some missed opportunities and some missing details.  The boat could use a lot more description to make the environment clear for one.  As much as I’m sure some of the lore details would get filled in with future or past entries, I’m left wondering a lot more about things like what specific circumstances led to Kit running off and how commonly known cryptids are or aren’t.

When the hunters showed up, I loved how they were characterized by their footwear, and they all had distinct personalities/motives.  But I was sad when the story didn’t spend more time elaborating on them.  After they’re all subdued, I was expecting Kit and Pseu to have a more civil discussion and compare morality/ideology with them.  It would have made for great worldbuilding.  And considering how little we’re told about Pseu overall, it could have made for some nice tension between Kit and Pseu if the hunters tried to portray Pseu as more dangerous than expected.

It’s a bit early to tell, but I get a good, strong impression of each character overall.  I especially like that Kit doesn’t accept the chance to run away from life problems, and goes to the trouble to mention all the things that would be left behind.  It was a huge relief, and showed mature writing where other stories might not show such foresight.

This is a very lore-heavy story in a good way.  Especially as it pertains to Sally's familial connections and the royal family the Purple Crane is centered around, there's a lot of rich information to think about.  I was left curious for more on both, though I would have liked to get more information about the royal family.

The story moves very quickly.  This makes it easy to follow and understand the goals, but it also makes things feel less impactful, particularly with certain emotional beats.  At the same time, I feel like the final section in particular balances the pacing quite well overall: giving just enough insight into the place Sally comes from.

Sally is clearly a multi-layered character, with some nice recontextualizing of the protagonist's goals and interests.  The first chunk of the story had me on the fence about Sally, but by the end, it was pretty easy to root for her.  And the cursed queen was especially sympathetic.

There are plenty of locations visited throughout the story to justify this as a travel/journey-based story.  My only real complaint in that area is wanting to spend more time with the elven castle, but that can easily be fixed with future appearances.

Also the rock golem minions were very personable and funny.

This was a neat cat-and-mouse type story, making me think a lot of Metroid Fusion, Alien, and Predator.  The protagonist is clever enough when it comes to facing his opponent, and has a bit of a personality, which is nice.  And I especially like how he uses the electricity to trap the alien at the risk of his limited bodies, as well as using the blood to tell when the defective clone is near.  

At the same time, there were many times where I expected John to ask the AI a lot more and be a lot less trusting.  He remembers who he is, but we don’t get much about this AI and why he would trust it so freely.  And as a result, the twist of the AI being at least partially malicious wasn’t surprising.  If anything, I was surprised John never suspected it.

The story is fairly tight.  It doesn’t waste time.  But it could have used a bit more time to show John reflected/reacting.  When he shoots his leg off, you could have him note how he has limited bodies and has to make this count.  And having him react to the pain of the wound would also be pretty important.  And unfortunately the use of language is very repetitive.  The first paragraph uses the word “light” three times, and the next couple use “pod” and “metal pod” frequently, with very little variation.

I was left a little confused at the end as to why John’s next clone was alive in the civilization in the end.  I’m assuming that was part of the AI rewarding him.  But at the same time, I’m left wanting to know more overall, and just by the description of the domed area with the pink-orange sky makes me interested in the setting. As for this as a travel/journey story… I don’t think I could categorize it as such.  That isn’t a criticism of the quality of the story itself.  But the only significant travel in the story is the final clone waking up in the civilization.  The rest is kept to the space station in loops.  Given how short this story is, I think you could absolutely put in more aspects before the deadline that make it feel more journey-based.  Go nuts on lore-dumping.  I want to know why the AI does what it does, what organization is being the space age tech, and more.  These Live Die Repeat style stories are always a kick to follow.

Grammar errors?  In my literature???  Yeah, probably X{D

Appreciate the feedback.  

Glad the criticisms are taken to heart.  I try to be as even-handed as I can be with stuff like that, but it's 100% from a place of investment.  Want to see the best version of what people can make.

No worries.  That's really heartwarming to hear where you got the inspiration from.  

This kind of story has been told many, many times, especially with a western heist style.  But with that said, I cannot deny how well-presented and appealing this was to read.  The best writers are able to take tired tropes/plots and still make them interesting.  The world created here is fascinating without being overbearing.  Both characters immediately stand out and are very likeable.  It tells a tight story, and leaves plenty of breadcrumbs to want more.  

It makes me think of Samurai Jack, mixing a lot of time periods together: in this case, SciFi and Western.  The clash of cultures between our protagonists was handled very well.  The dialogue was believable: very human.

I would absolutely love to read more set in this universe, especially when it comes to the company Nipparad is fleeing to expose.

This story brought to mind a number of properties.  The way the Conductor acted and eventually warped into this monstrous form reminded me of Coraline.  The way everything has this nonsensical structure made me think of the ENA videos/game.  And there was a strong resemblance to the indie horror series “The Deep Sleep Trilogy”.  It’s a very compelling premise, having a woman in a deadly dreamscape and finding a companion.

It was hard at times to follow the story due to the grammar and spelling: capitalized letters when they weren’t needed, complete sentences, etc.  

The characters in the story don’t act too concerned overall in the story until things start ramping up.  I wasn’t sure if that was because they were trapped in a dream and thus would be affected by it.  I would have liked to find out more about Josie and Cassie as they roamed the train.

This feels like a story that would be really cool to watch visually: with shifting environments and fantastical art style quirks.  It was easy to visualize, and it was an interesting approach to horror.  Traveling via a dream train is a really cool idea, but at the same time, not too much travel-based storytelling happens.  It would have been really cool to have the destination the train is heading to be described and shown, even if the characters escape before reaching it.

This comes across as a very lived-in universe.  There’s a lot of lore, for both the characters and the setting.  I like how you include a lot of proper nouns for locations, and even the month of the year.  And I like that the characters clearly have history, not just with each other but independently.  At the same time, this is barely over 9 pages long and very dense with information.  None of it is boring, but it is very hard to digest and retain because it’s so densely packed.  I think it could benefit from being elongated, so that you can space out more of the exposition.  That would make it a lot easier to retain all the stuff about each character’s career/education pursuits.

The “vibe” of the story is very relaxed and comfy, and I mean that in a good way.  There’s no huge battle.  And even after the characters find the collapsed drone, it’s not treated as a threat.  It helps to reinforce the feeling of this just being a chill road trip with college friends trying to find their place in the universe.  Seeing those SciFi elements gives it that nice bit of spice.

The writing style was a bit difficult at times.  There are a lot of over-nested sentences that could get broken up.  And there’s a lot of exposition.  I’m very much an advocate for trying to fit in lore naturally through dialogue, but sometimes, it’s best to exposit more through narration.  And you do that here, especially later on in the story, but there are sections in the dialogue that sounds less natural with how much detail is being stated, in a very “As you know” sort of way.  You may want to consider removing some of the character lore from this specific entry so you can use it in later stories.  That way, the reader is able to digest the other details, and they’re left with more to learn later.

I’m unfortunately not seeing a lot of actual traveling in this story.  I was into the idea of some friends driving across a SciFi road and seeing different stuff, but once they reach the drone, they don’t really go anywhere else till the end.  I like that we hear about other places, but I was left wanting to see more of the setting.

The story I'm writing doesn't require artwork to visualize the characters, but I want to draw some of the characters for it anyway.  Is it okay to include the artwork?  And does the artwork affect anything?