This was very compelling. The opening especially was very efficient with its time: making clear what was happening, and including plenty of key information to make the setting feel real. The terminology was easy to follow, if quite frequent. I also really liked the dialogue and some of the humor. The Lord of the Rings reference jokes were especially nice: sounding like something a group of soldier buddies would totally say.
The story also handles the ominous and alien feeling of these dimensional jumps very well. Lines like, “There were no people here. But there were birds,” were great. It made everything feel like a cosmic disaster could strike at any moment, or some horrific creature could show up. The soldiers have appropriate reactions to how strange everything is compared to their world.
My only real complaint is that the story moves very quickly and the scenes are very short. I could have easily read a version of this story where every scene was double the length, especially with David’s family. At the end, I was a little confused, wondering how the line about Suse’s death relates to the scene with the chocolate bar (how much time has passed between them and such). The story hooks the reader very well, but you’re not given enough time with each scene before it goes to the next.
I would absolutely love to read more in this setting. It feels like a SciFi version of some Tom Clancy novel.