Thanks for all that wonderful feedback! Sorry for the late reply. I’m glad you seem to have enjoyed the module and appreciate your taking the time to give us constructive feedback!
We tend to agree that both Ophelia and in general the 3rd act needs a little work to make them clearer. Whilst we aren’t going to be implementing an ambush predator version of the homogen, I do think I get what you are trying to convey. It’s a nice idea!
I’d love to see what you think of the v2 when it comes out :))
I’m going through all the feedback during this rewriting period, so I finally have the time to thank you for your feedback.
As I said elsewhere, I’m not sure I’ll find the space for a proper summary in the flap, as the timeline and the homogen are very space hungry, so I might have to take the hit and live by that editing decision, despite liking the idea itself.
This is all very helpful. Thank you for your time and your diligence. Hopefully, v2 will be right up your alley!
I finally have the time to read through your detailed feedback. Thank you for taking the time to write it all down, this is extremely helpful during this second writing/editing phase.
I can’t wait to see how you like v2! And I’m glad I get to help with your module too. I’m really happy that this is the level of companionship and collaborative effort we reached for this game jam. you rock!
Point by point, I agree with pretty much everything. The only thing I might decide against is the summary block. I don’t want any spoiling information on the front or back panels to avoid accidental spoilers for potential players, and I don’t have the space for it elsewhere… it’s an editing choice that I’ll have to live with! The rest is going straight to v2. Thanks again.
Truth be told, I also hate the homogen… (in a good way).
I would love to hear more of what you feel was lacking in Junior compared to the others. If I had to take a guess, maybe it’s the dialogue that’s less expressive than for the other two ? In which case, I could try and add more personality and individuality there!
I wonder how the printing will go if we eat more of the margins. I’m gonna have fun measuring some of my trifolds at home to see how they look like. The more space we get, the better we can make it(and the more stuff I can potentially add for v2…).
Hello,
First of all, thanks for reading and reviewing the adventure !
You are correct that Ophelia’s relationship to the Homogen is complicated, and that it is a source of tension during the confrontation with the players. I’ll see what I can add about the Homogen in Ophelia’s character description. Perhaps a line of dialogue. It’s a hard thing to balance, as I would like to keep some space for the wardens to figure out what they would like to do with it, without leaving them completely in the dark either…
Perhaps, following your idea, I could add something in the living quarters. Laertes didn’t live inside the tower, but maybe I could include a tape recording of a birthday party thrown for her !
I’m unsure of what you mean by a statblock, as I thought I included that with the description of the monster. Do you perhaps mean a statblock for everything it could do alongside the instructions you were proposing ?
Thanks a lot for your feedback ! Please let me know if anything else comes to mind :))
I think there’s a lot of praise to be given to this module !
First of all, I’m in love with the Dead Space like intro. What’s supposed to be a simple repair job turns quickly into surviving a nightmare.
Dead space seems to be overall a reference through out the adventure actually, with the desolation and emptiness, the madness, the illusions from the past conjured by something (no spoilers).
Small editing feedbacks :
in the MIRROR WORLD section, the second line, “Not communicate with people in the real world and vice-versa” is a little confusing to read.
in room 1, why is there an * for the name OMAR but none of the others ?
for room 7, why can it not be reached from the mirror world ?
One last editing note :
“Anyone in the real world appears as monsters” is efficient, but I think there’s untapped thematic potential there. It would make sense for all to see something related to them, either a phobia, or more likely coming from the entity, a “monster” from their past.
Overall, amazing layout, design, illustrations and writing. This adventure sounds a little challenging to run for newer wardens, asking them to find the right emotional pressure points. A good challenge with an amazing potential pay off, however ! I will most certainly run it at some point. I would recommend others to run it as a second adventure, to make sure people are already attached to their characters, though a one shot would certainly work as well !
Thank you for reading WDWLB ! I’m also of the slow burn school of horror, so I’m glad a fellow turtle found its way into the race :DD
I can’t wait to hear how the running of the game went if you get to it :DD
We should have finished polishing up the module and taking in all the feedbacks from the jam by next month, in case you’d rather wait before running ! Other wise, play testing is extremely valuable for the refining process, so please let me know <3
We decided against illustrating the monster for now, mostly because we felt going down the lovecraftian school of “let the reader’s imagination fill in the gaps, they’ll make it scarier than you ever could”
I forgot one last thing, and that’s the theme of this jam !
I understand what you were going for. The ghost, the possession, you fighting from within the body to take back control. Unfortunately, I feel like your scenario focuses much more on the racing and the adrenaline than it does the ghost and possession, leaving the theme feeling unexplored or tacked on.
Thanks again for the lovely submission, I loved reading it, and will be following what it will become in the future !
Racing and mothership aren’t things I thought of putting together. This is a really exciting and original concept ! I’m gonna jump straight to a few feedbacks I’d like to give you, some positive and some more towards what I feel needs more work.
The Looks
First of all, let’s talk design, layout and style. I’m very partial to punk doodle aesthetics, and I think it suits the illegal driving vibe you were going for. The fact that the map gives me nostalgia of PS1 racing games is also a big plus for the retro feel !
There is one thing I strongly suggest you change after the jam : currently, printing the module leads to the back page either being the monster, or the episode 5 page (depending on how you fold it. Check out Graham’s post on how to fold and layout your trifold for an example). Should you try and give this to potential buyers physically, this means that a) potential players will automatically be spoiled on pick up, and b) wardens have no way of knowing what content actually awaits them without opening and reading the module. Simply swapping the ghost page with the pitch page (which was probably intended) should do !
The Driving
How “pick up and play” is this ? Well first off, there is no printer friendly version. It’s a good thing that you use a white background, but still, a grey scale would be appreciated for the poorer players amongst us (such as I!).
Overall though, I think that the usability of your module is one of its strong points. I could see myself reading through it and running it the same day! Well done.
The Horse Power
So what about the game design ?
As casacerrada mentions in their previous message, there’s around 20 checks per racer per lap, totalling in the 100s if they survive the race.
I think this is a design overlook. It sounds good, until you realise how many rolls that represents, and how much Mothership encourages not rolling at all when possible. Remember, every roll in mothership means something dramatic and important is going down and the price for failure is high!
Here are the flaws I think need to be addressed :
as stated, too many rolls in its current form. When people roll, make it count.
Currently, there isn’t much control, mechanically or otherwise, for the PCs in the race. It’s a luck game heavily favoured towards the NPCs (due to PC stats usually being so low). Try and find ways to give more agency to your players. Give mechanical expression to your players by offering them checks using different stats and skills, for example !
There’s plenty of levers you haven’t touched yet in this design. it’s a promising idea, but I’m not convince it’s reached its desired impact.
The Drift
What twists and turns do you offer us on the writing department then ?
Setting wise, some interesting questions rise from your descriptions. We’re on a space station, but there seems to be a day and night cycle, implying that either the station has a built-in clock for its lighting to help maintain a working rhythm (probably a mining station of some sort, or maybe manufacturing), or that it is orbiting a planet that hides the sun at regular intervals. Maybe something else ? Also, this space station is big enough to have races take place inside it !
These little open ended questions are great in my opinion. Detail oriented wardens will feel invited to fill the gaps, making the station their own, whilst leaving enough space for this module to be easily picked up by more improvisational wardens, or even be grafted onto other setting adventures.
The episodic structure of your story line is great. I like the idea, and think it is pretty well executed. Episode 1 is a great hook as well, and gives it something I don’t see too often in Mothership : an adventure that starts during shore leave !
That being said, whilst the hook for the mystery is doing it’s part, more could potentially be done for the hook to the race itself. It’s not that using a mafia to force the players into racing isn’t going to work, it’s just that, like what I noticed for your racing mechanic, it doesn’t give space for agency. As is, should the players want to avoid racing, the warden is left either railroading them into it, abandoning the session all together, or improvise what happens if they escape. How do you even start confronting those annoying problems ? Here’s a few leads you might want to explore :
A table of random reasons why a player wants to or has to race. This can also be used for the NPCs.
Perhaps give them the opportunity to sign up for the race before the accident of act 1 ?
maybe that friend at the beginning of act 1 is racing next, and his team chickened out ! Go save him on the tracks.
All in all, I think whilst its good to put some resistance into simply leaving altogether, if I were to run this, I would be looking to add hooks to make them want to race. Emotional stakes, not just money (though insisting on the money gained can also help too).
Mothership also likes to call to “SOLVE. SAVE. SURVIVE.” Right now, there’s not really anyone or anything to save. The surviving part is really well done, and the mystery is nice though left unresolved and for the Warden to figure out, which takes away a bit from that plug and play feel you had going for you. Not by much, mind you. Not every scenario should be a Noir movie about a cold murder case.
Finally, I’d like to talk about episode 4 and 5. I think episode 5 is awesome. It’s only issue ? It’s redundant. The ghost has already taken over one of the players a race prior. Should you agree, I suggest you make the ghost take over one of the NPCs instead on episode 4, to give episode 5 a much more unique feel and let it shine as it deserves.
Last Lap
Sure there’s still some work to do, but Ghost Data is a promising runner in this race none the less ! Hopefully, you’ll work on your trifold some more once the jam judging period is over, and cross the finish line in one peace, before the ghost data hologram crashes you into oblivion… Place your bets, every one. Personally, I’m betting on this one’s future !
First of all, thank you for reading What Dreams We Left Below !
This topic will be dedicated to chat about any feedback you might have for the game :)) Anything you say here will be used to better torture future players, and potentially to remaster the module into a better, final version ! :0
Out of all the modules that came out of this game jam, this one is my favourite ! Would love to be able to donate to the artist either via itch or via a ko-fi link. Great work, highly recommend checking it out !
