Of course, I can only react to what I read. If it doesn't make sense without parts that are not present or without parts which don't exist yet, then...I don't feel like that's my responsibility? :v *pointing finger slowly at ya'*
Being hired! into a position like that through a "job application process" is, omg, how to put this nicely... - I'm sorry, I'm known to be blunt. - Uh, nonsense? Unrealistic and opposing everything one may or may not know about the dynamics of power, control and frankly just humans in general. I'm rather surprised you're trying to defend it at all - it wouldn't happen in the most meritocratic of made up societies. Because people are still people and politics is still politics.
ROYAL. ADVISOR. Consider these words for a minute. You think sb. is being "hired" to be an advisor/whatever of Charles III?
Yea, exactly. And he's not even from a medieval/-ish society.
You'd need to be chosen. Hand picked. And you'd have many competent competitors for such a coveted position. (Once upon a time, the Conservative Party opened their arms wide for candidates who never participated in politics before. They got 4000 applicants. And in the end, 4 were chosen. Who were, ultimately, very much like the career politicians they already had...)
You would need real, not made up connections in high-society, years of advisory experience, immense trust from at least part of the court and at least one of the royals already. You'd need to be present for a substantial amount of time before all this. You'd never get in as an outsider, never! It's like trying for the top of academia without any formal education. Come on, man.
Look, at the end of the day, this is not my circus, not my monkeys. But I do recognize a hot mess when I see one and I'd rather not waste my time on messy drafts :v
Edit: Remembered the wrong party and higher numbers, but still
One last thing: write what you know
Uhm, yea, but this needs a lot of polishing. :v
Smoother transitions, more reasonable explanations, a better match of the environment and the behaviour of characters. I don't mean to offend, but this is very clearly not thought through properly and I was tempted to close my browser tab at the point of being hired as a Royal Advisor off the street...excuse me, but like, what? XD Why? Do these people WANT to be assassinated? Just write that we have a contact in the court already, who enjoys the trust of one of the royals, and they make sure we get in
Hey, thanks for answering and not being offended by my bluntness! :v
I didn't clock that it is a time period thing; I guess cause that would usually be old English or in this case, simply old German? It's an interesting approach, but one to reconsider I think!
Sorry about that, I think people speculate so much because the influence of another language on your writing is very strong, and it makes them curious!
Cheers, and keep up the good work! :x
All I have to say is this:
Was my comment condescending? Yes, I was a bit of an asshat. I left all my comments on, because I didn't want to pretend I wasn't.
BUT: I don't allow myself to say anything nearly as mean or non-sensical as y'all do, or to devolve into such emotional vomiting one can see all over here.
Half the time I feel like people who answer my comment are talking to someone else (my image washed together with mean critics of the past or straight up imaginary ones, I can only guess), and about stuff I did not say at all (e.g.: "I will shut the fuck up, when...") That was actually one of you, who wrote that
Calling my original comment 'cruel' is ridiculous. If you think that's cruel, I don't know what to say. It wasn't kind, I can sign for that. (Btw, are you acting like the paragons of kindness here? Oh, of course, you're better than me, more supportive than me, so you are allowed to be mean to someone else while white-knighting, straw-manning and cursing. I see, alright, my bad.)
All in all: will you look at yourselves and your comments for a second please? You feeling righteous makes you do worse things than I did. Stop spiralling, egging each other on and making epic drama where there is none.
Bless y'all
Ps.:
I'm not going to answer to anything here anymore, as I'm sure none of you bother to try to understand where I'm coming from. You seem extremely happy in your self-righteous outrage circle. Have fun, but know this: you are doing the same, and worse things, which you are stoning me for
Yikes, I didn't mean to obliterate your will to write, sorry about that! :I
I get a bit, uh, riled up when I see something that could be good but isn't; it frustrates me in a weird way and then I might leave critiques without pulling my punches...with that said, I'm not taking any of it back, 'cause I think my points are valid
As I said before, and I chose these words deliberately: you're "an inexperienced writer", not a talentless one. And as you're aware, you lack skill. You do, but - while outsourcing your writing may be the more sensible option - is that what you really want?
Won't you try to get better instead?
I - could assist you. I'm not ghost-writing for anyone, but I can advise you about your writing and discuss plotholes, inconsistencies, POVs, style, rhythm etc.
Keep in mind, English is my second language, so I'm less likely to be able to help you there
Mr. Clipboard comes to the rescue, lookit' :
"I second this, the whole thing could be half as long with the same effect :v It made me skim over quite a few paragraphs!
Also, there are statements which kind of contradict each other, stuff like (I'm paraphrasing here): "he wouldn't mind his flirtations, if he wasn't responsible for his bro's accident" then "he despised his blatant flirtatiousness". So, which is it? He does not mind it too much or he hates it?
Another thing, there's no need to explain to us that Roman and Alphonse speak in code, we're not idiots XD We've already been informed he's getting bodies from somewhere, and from the nature of the conversation on the phone it's pretty clear what's up. The classic law of SHOW NOT TELL applies. I immediately felt "this is an inexperienced writer", which is fine, of course, but it's like watching someone miss a slam-dunk live, a bit of a bummer
Bonus: the tone of the text could be way more casual; a more everyday colloquial style fits the story more IMO, but this is also a matter of preference. I feel it was probably as much of a disservice to your story to use AI, as help.
Cool idea tho! :v "
First of all, NSFW is not necessarily porn, it includes erotica, which is super broad! And the tag should include violence, but that aspect seems to be forgotten more often than not.
I get you a bit, I wouldn't mind personally if pornographic content was missing from this site, BUT banning it on principle is all kinds of wrong...and the very point of Itch is the creative freedom it provides.
Also, the other commenters are making this point you keep ignoring: you and anyone else who doesn't like NSFW games have a multitude of options. Zillions. We, on the other hand, only have Itch. :v (Do let me know if I'm being ignorant, but I'm not familiar with any alternatives)
Whoever's downvoting my comment: it's a simple fact, not an opinion. And a concrete problem.
It's not a free game that I should be infinitely patient with and gather the faith to put it on an exception list in Windows Security. I had a Trojan infection back in the days, and if there is 1% chance I'll get it, then no thanks. It was a nightmare to clean up.
I played many games on Itch, and I have never had a problem with getting the exe file of a Renpy game deleted by WS when trying to run it >:I
Heya!
I like the idea, but!
I stopped reading after the Prologue, because this story is rife with rookie mistakes (which is completely normal btw, I presume this is one of your first works)
First of all, it desperately needs to be edited. Half of the text could be crossed out, no problem. It's extremely verbose, reminding me of an apple tree that's never been pruned in its life.
Watch out for the repetition of words: in the first few paragraphs, the word 'flesh' is being used about 5 times, and more later on. Moving on to the second page, same issues on a smaller scale: plead, pleas. "As usual, no one answers" would suffice. 'Pain' and 'void' also repeat a billion times, and not in an artistic way. Max 2 short pages accentuating the cycle of pain and nothingness would be more than enough. Nobody wants to read the same thing over 10 pages, at least I'm sure I don't. :v
There are other, small things: I can't remember verbatim, but there was a sentence like "He did so and so to soften the edge of the gentle rebuke". If the rebuke was gentle, there would be no edge to it to begin with, right? :D
Don't take this the wrong way, your ideas are good, keep going! But I'd recommend reading one or two textbooks about writing to drill the basics into your head, such as Writing Fiction - the practical guide from New York's... or Ben Bova : The craft of writing Sci-fi (I can email you the latter)
:x
