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A jam submission

Commit To MemoryView project page

Search for a missing student in this investigative horror crawl for Mothership RPG.
Submitted by TerryHerc — 5 days, 13 hours before the deadline
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Commit To Memory's itch.io page

Results

CriteriaRankScore*Raw Score
Favorability - how much do you personally like the submission?#193.4563.563
Usability - How "pick up & play" is this for a Warden?#213.2743.375
Theme - How well does it match the Jam's Theme?#213.8203.938
Overall#273.2743.375
Polish - How is the overall look/vibes/writing & design?#352.5472.625

Ranked from 16 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.

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Comments

Submitted

hiya, here are some stray notes i took while reading this one!

first thought -- hell yeah, this is the kind of faustian bargain i come to mothership for. so much to sink yr teeth into.

i feel like i'd wanna luxuriate in this setting, like maybe run it not as a one-shot but let it bubble up more slowly. take time getting to know the space, the factions, the npcs, etc. maybe even have the party show up before receiving the job via comms or something. really let them think for a good long while about stepping into the memory machine.

id be curious to read more about successful playtests and how player navigate the setting, how they go about finding barbara.

fantastic concept and great tie-in to the theme on multiple levels! v cool work, enjoyed reading this one!

Submitted

Great, highly original idea that doesn't quite live up to its potential due to layout and information prioritization issues.

Giant cosmic horror living in a the gas giant below? Great. Memory tendrils and stolen minds? Awesome. Sandbox setting with a lot of secondary stuff going on, love it.

So, what's not as great?

  • The map doesn't do anything useful because it doesn't show any connections between places.
  • The location descriptions aren't numbered, which makes it even less likely the map will be useful.
  • NPC descriptions are mixed in with the locations where they'll most likely be encountered, instead of given their own section.
  • Random skills table isn't needed. Presumably if you're paying to learn something you know what you're going to be learning. Just give a list along with the prices, it'll take up less room.
  • The scenario doesn't seem to be set up for a climax. Once we figure out what's going on and deduce where Barbara is, can we not just... go get her, with the only risk being a nightmare on the way? I think there needs to be a half-panel spent suggesting ways the rescue can play out/be complicated, from sabotage by Sal Marino to conflict with the Dream Eater itself.
Developer

Thank you for your candid feedback, I really appreciate it. I agree that the aspects you point out could be enhanced to strengthen the adventure if they were adjusted. All of these are very valid and the entry would benefit from some changes to accommodate these.  You’ve given me a lot to reflect on as I consider ways to enhance this adventure, and what to keep in mind as I develop future ones.

Jam Judge

While I'm pretty let down by the visual treatment, I think this is some of the strongest writing and execution in the jam! The "under the surface" theme is echoed in several areas of the module, and it functions really effectively as both a narrative adventure and a primer for a full-ass shore leave destination.

You can piece together the truth in a variety of ways and there's something interesting around every corner.  You've a good few sessions of sandbox play packed into this one and that's a hard bargain to beat. Cirrus Station could be plugged into any campaign and it would be well worth the detour!

Developer

Thank you for your feedback, I really appreciate it. I was pleased with the writing and wanted the theme to reappear on a few different levels. I agree that the visual treatment leaves something be desired. If you don’t mind me asking, which specific visual elements detracted from the overall piece?

Separately as I’ve been reviewing the other entries I’ve realized taking a graphic design class would be really beneficial. It’s definitely an area I can develop and grow into.

Jam Judge

Happy to expand! Here's the big three for me.

  • The Map. It's got a reliance on basic shapes that breaks my immersion in the atmosphere of the writing. Especially the starburst for the Dream Eater and the cloud elements are just too identifiable as "basic shapes" from a design program vs. bespoke visual elements for a particular module.
  • Text Frames. The white-transparent look is a bit dry when there's so much colour in the background. I also feel like the text hugs really closely to the edges of the frames at the top and bottom edges, while the sides are getting more breathing room.
  • Backgrounds. Stock imagery for backgrounds is not my preference, so this is more subjective, but I feel it'd help to slap some grainy, analog, horror-style filters on them to take them away from photorealism and more into the realm of "graphical/textured.

Happy to chat more on solutions and stuff via DMs if you're interested!

Developer

I appreciate you highlighting these opportunities for me, thank you. I will shoot you  a DM, it would be great to chat more!

Submitted

A cool mechanic for players to utilize with long term implications, tied to an intriguing story to discover it. 

+ Lots of details in prevelant locations, making the location feel lived in

+ A fun interpretation of the theme, using lies of the institution rather than relying on physical depictions of the theme

+ Enables an opportunity of risk-reward to learn new skills for cheap, at the long term issues of withdrawal 

If you're looking for feedback, let me know and I'll expand further. 

Developer

Thank you for your comments, I really appreciate it. If you have the chance to expand more I am always eager for feedback. If there are things that could be changed to enhance how the adventure hits, that is always helpful too. 

Submitted

Certainly. My main point of feedback is that, although there many NPCs the players can talk to, it feels difficult to determine how useful they are and how they are tied to the plot. All the NPCs seem to belong into one of three groups: PTI students, Dargan Cartel, and Cirrus Station residents. I would love to have a section that breaks each group down to establish what information/ experience they generally have with the plot, especially regarding Barbara and Sal. I feel you can open some space to do so by removing the location table (numbering the location headers instead) and the Skills table (as I'm unsure how this table is meant to be used).  By establishing this information, I feel it is a lot easier for Wardens to come up with information on the spot and strengthen these tangling plot points, creating a deep mystery.

A minor point is, given the rarity to directly see the Dream Eater, I wonder if the Cosmic Nightmare table can be made to be more involved/ punishing.  Also, given that, if players use the Memory Machine and leave, it would nice to know what happens when they fail to repeat the process, like withdrawal symptoms.

Overall, I feel there is great potential to create a multiple session mystery, especially once every NPCs' possessed knowledge is organized.

Developer

This is really helpful, I appreciate the depth and consideration you've given in your response. I agree that I could rearrange some information (or remove some) and give more focus to the areas you highlight. Thanks for your time putting this together, I am grateful