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Great, highly original idea that doesn't quite live up to its potential due to layout and information prioritization issues.

Giant cosmic horror living in a the gas giant below? Great. Memory tendrils and stolen minds? Awesome. Sandbox setting with a lot of secondary stuff going on, love it.

So, what's not as great?

  • The map doesn't do anything useful because it doesn't show any connections between places.
  • The location descriptions aren't numbered, which makes it even less likely the map will be useful.
  • NPC descriptions are mixed in with the locations where they'll most likely be encountered, instead of given their own section.
  • Random skills table isn't needed. Presumably if you're paying to learn something you know what you're going to be learning. Just give a list along with the prices, it'll take up less room.
  • The scenario doesn't seem to be set up for a climax. Once we figure out what's going on and deduce where Barbara is, can we not just... go get her, with the only risk being a nightmare on the way? I think there needs to be a half-panel spent suggesting ways the rescue can play out/be complicated, from sabotage by Sal Marino to conflict with the Dream Eater itself.

Thank you for your candid feedback, I really appreciate it. I agree that the aspects you point out could be enhanced to strengthen the adventure if they were adjusted. All of these are very valid and the entry would benefit from some changes to accommodate these.  You’ve given me a lot to reflect on as I consider ways to enhance this adventure, and what to keep in mind as I develop future ones.