You may want to add the "visual novel" tag, as it is a renpy game. I feel like it'll get a lot more traffic as that's what renpy enthusiasts look for.
KoptenOwl
Recent community posts
Oh wow, of course! I'd be honored!
For Maelbjorn's couplet, to keep each line with ten syllables, here are two possible alternatives:
- Once an heir, god-sentenced to perdition / The sword has become his chief ambition.
- The gods sentenced this heir to perdition / So the sword became his chief ambition.
If you want to talk more about this, I'm Kopten#9136 over on Discord. Let me know if there's anything else localization-wise you'd want a second opinion on, I love this sort of thing.
I'm interested in seeing where this goes. I really liked your french couplets, so I tried to make english versions of them:
Maelbjorn
An heir, heaven sentenced to perdition
The sword has become his chief ambition
Akhet
Peckish fear and exile keep him wary
The southern minstrel seeks sanctuary
Vekad
So strong and slender, the lord of the hunt
Pursued by phantoms that he must confront
Tenoch
Heir of the dragons, lover of the flame
Avoiding cold and blade should be his aim
I really appreciate how well you took my critique from earlier...most people don't take criticism well, and I honestly believe that you have made a better product now. I appreciate that you still left Bat's anger towards Bear in there but allowed him to later regret how he talked towards him. It shows that relationships are tough and there's not always a wholey right and wholey wrong person in an argument.
Also, I really like the revamp of Bear's route. Feels a bit more weighty, and both of them get to be strong in it.
Might be more of an oblique reference, but it could also reference the Mark of Cain
10 The Lord said, “What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground. 11 Now you are under a curse and driven from the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother’s blood from your hand. 12 When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth.”
13 Cain said to the Lord, “My punishment is more than I can bear. 14 Today you are driving me from the land, and I will be hidden from your presence; I will be a restless wanderer on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me.”
15 But the Lord said to him, “Not so; anyone who kills Cain will suffer vengeance seven times over.” Then the Lord put a mark on Cain so that no one who found him would kill him. 16 So Cain went out from the Lord’s presence and lived in the land of Nod, east of Eden.
Not that I think Asterion did anything wrong, but the difficulty with the land / mark on his head leads me to think this might be part of it.
Cool! Just wanted to give you a heads up that it's not saying what you want it to say (I took like 6 years of Latin in school like the big nerd I am instead of taking a more useful language ;p )
- "Un" should be "Unus"
- "Solis" should be "sōl" (solis would be "of the sun ")
- "ad" means "to", like "to the store". The best word to use for "upon" would be the accusative preposition "super", which would mean "terrae" should be "terram" as the direct object needs to match the case its preposition is used for.
"Unus Sol Super Terram"