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The Rickety Rocket's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Flow & Clarity | #17 | 3.571 | 3.571 |
| Concepts & Originality | #20 | 3.762 | 3.762 |
| Overall | #23 | 3.587 | 3.587 |
| Adherence to Theme | #28 | 3.429 | 3.429 |
Ranked from 21 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
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Nice work fitting in two complete threads within the word limit! I wonder if breaking the stories up and telling them a bit more in parallel (rather than one at a time) would increase the tension?
Also I kind of wanted to read the ending from Jahro’s side instead of from Sgt Vansen - that way you could have a sort of “triumph to tragedy” roller coaster, where as from Vansen’s side there was almost a sense of… I don’t know, maybe indifferent satisfaction?
First of all, thank you for not uploading the mood board haha. This was a great little tale, well done, I don't really have many actual criticisms apart from a few lines where maybe you repeat what the reader just put together. Personally, I didn't like the ending, I would have liked to see the gunner be just as caught of guard by something as the pilot was by the competence of the gunner- so she doesn't start AND end the story bored. (Maybe the pilot's experience that intel is always wrong inspired him to keep one more trick up his sleeve? Again, personal taste) Well done, regardless. Fun, if short, encounter! Edit: I especially liked the line ~the crew was as ramshackle as the ship~ That was strong enough in and of itself that you could have cut alot of other lines!
Thanks. i will keep that little tidbit about the crew description in mind moving forward with other written works. Sometimes I have moments of absolute brilliance- slathered in predominantly “bleh” presentation. :)
Hey translating that high from your mind to the reader's is the whole art =)
I really enjoyed the premise of this story; it feels like something straight out of The Expanse. I can't help feeling, though, that the technical details you include (normally something I enjoy very much, and in your story they do work to establish the credibility of both the author and the characters) took up space that you didn't really have to spare. The climax of the story, the destruction of the "ramshackle rocket" itself, didn't carry a lot of emotional weight; in this case, I think more personal information about Jar and his crew would have served the story better than more technical information.
I can see your point. I wasn’t going for an emotionally impactful story (unless an “Oh, snap” chuckle was emitted). The technical stuff was meant to try and show that Jar wasn’t an idiot- that he could plan and fly his ship well. Two very competent people hitting head on in uneven circumstances, and the anticlimactic result that happens in warfare all to often.
Legitimately my favorite story so far!
I love the description, the pacing, the characters. Loved the ending,v and I loved the use of a FLIP-AND-BURN maneuver. Great stuff!
Overall: A fun little story that functions very well as a joke (this is not an insult!). Jar's section is the setup and Amariel's section is the punchline. The weakness of the story is in the writing and structure. It's a tricky thing to define, since the clarity of the exposition is okay, but the writing style, use of punctuation, and sentence length make the flow feel a bit stiff. Amariel's section adds some fun novelty with her internal quips, but they feel out of place because Jar's section is "normal", and that section feels dryer in comparison.
Okay, so to prove my point and to hopefully help your future writing, I took Jar's section and split the whole story up, sentence by sentence. (A sentence is defined by at least one word which is ended with a period, ellipses, or question mark). There are 25 sentences in Jar's section. 11 are more than 20 words. This is actually a high density of *long* sentences. There's some consensus in contemporary writing that most sentences should be, at most, 15 words. Don't treat this like a law, just a guideline. Point is, in future writing, try to experiment with more sentence length. Use more kinds of punctuation - remember, the written word is a visual medium - variety is fun!
Here's an article about this. https://www.wyliecomm.com/2022/07/how-long-should-a-sentence-be/
There's also some punctuation issues with possessive apostrophes:
"When the computer came online, it would take over the ships controls and cut the engines"
- Should be "ship's"
"Icons representing Kellians fire appeared on the HUD as he proved his point"
- Should be "Kellian's"
"(camera’s can see it- damn its close)"
- Should be "cameras" and "it's"
Concepts & Originality: 4/5
- Fun stuff here, we've got a doomed heist and a bored gunner who's overqualified for her post. For them, it was the worst day of their lives. For her, it was Tuesday
Flow & Clarity: 2/5
- Explained in the above section. Note that Amariel's section felt better because her internal quips were shorter and felt more natural.
Adherence to Theme: 4/5
- Both Jar and Amariel were working with limited resources creatively. Jar had limited... everything, and Amariel's older turrets actually came in handy to bring down Jar's ship (note, I actually missed the significance of her older turret on my first read. Good job on making that her creative resource, but the issues with flow/clarity got in the way).
Thanks for the insight. I routinely misplace my apostrophes. Especially in “it’s”. As in, “I gave it it’s just deserts.” Not possessive. Conjunction. Gets me every time. I appreciate the feedback and will take it all under advisement. It’s hard getting people to just tell you what you did wrong, like there are feelings that will get hurt that matter more than getting better. Thank you for being honest.
Just a note- I actually copy and pasted your critique onto the second page of the story. Again, thanks for the breakdown. I really appreciate it.
You're welcome!! I wish you nothing but the best for your future works :)
I really dig the vibe! I see other commenter's talking about David Weber and it kind of makes me want to read Honor Harrington.
An epic series. If the “March Upcountry” series had been as long, I think it would beat her out, though.
I really like the characters and am glad that you found the word count to bring them through.
Love the characterization here. Both POV characters come across as delightfully cocky in different ways. The perspective shift threw me off a bit, but really fun read overall!
Thanks. I hadn’t intended to go that route initially, but then it happened, and I found myself giggling- always a good sign as far as I’m concerned.
I enjoyed it! What could go wrong, indeed!
I did enjoy the blurbs of the gunner's interjecting thoughts, although the use of parentheses threw me slightly off, but that's neither here nor there. All in all, very fun read!
I’ll remember that moving forward. Personally, I like the parenthesis to break it up some. But i can see where it might throw people some. More experimenting is needed evidently.
I enjoyed it! What could go wrong, indeed!
I did enjoy the blurbs of the gunner's interjecting thoughts, although the use of parentheses threw me slightly off, but that's neither here nor there. All in all, very fun read!
Great read! I absolutely love the perspective shift! With the size constraints it’s tough but I think you pulled it off well. Obviously would have loved to see that dynamic go on a bit more, but there is something there about how abrupt the chaos tone shifts back to calmness I enjoyed. It perfectly captures a car crash. It’s all noise and scary one second, and the next your just laying on the road (or at least that was my experience hahaha).
My last car accident was more of the “Oh… Ok.. I was rear ended.. That happened… OK.. What was the thing to do here? Oh… Look at that.. Homie’s driving off… Well… That just happened.” I think the constraints helped here more than hurt. I only had so much space to get an idea across. someone mentioned this feeling like a joke with the first half being the setup the second half being the punchline. I saw it that way as well. And if I’m being honest, history (especially military history) is like that. Some group of really competent people spend weeks planning a mission, going over every eventuality and possibility when they get on the objective, only to have a cat leaping in one key guys face throw the hole thing sideways. Or, for a more hilarious example, “LEROY JENKINS!!!!”
I enjoyed the concept of this story, but feel like the two perspectives in a 1000-word constraint lessened it for me. I think it would’ve been a lot more impactful with a full page from either character’s point of view. A few grammar/punctuation corrections, as well as the above protagonist focus, and I think this can be a super fun read!
I like where it's going. Space stuff is not my speed. I am more of a John Ringo fan. However David Webber I do read from time to time. I got the Webber vibe. Which is very cool.
Thank you very much. I’m a big Webber fan myself. And Ringo is the friggin man. I still think most stuff in most scifi universes would have a hard day dealing with Iron Mike and his triple nickle.
Leave the feedback. Be brutally honest. Good or bad, it’s all good.