Loved the mysterious feelings this evokes! The descriptions and the dialogue felt very dynamic and fast paced. I struggled just a tiny bit to follow the story on the first read though, I think it was too dialogue heavy for my liking and I did not have enough "grounding" in the environment to properly visualize the world; I do believe that is just a personal preference, though, and overall I really enjoyed reading it! I think it has a lot of artistic value, and does a great job at showcasing the characters
Viewing post in The Thing behind the Glass jam comments
Yeah I guess our styles are like night & day xD
But I get it. It was my first official story too, so the more feedback I get, the more I realize: I like metaphor A BIT too much. People do have problems to orientate in my world, because of too few physical description.
I thought this might be no problem, because it was only one room & 2 characters, but it seems to be.
So since you are obviously one of the best here to ask for physical descriptions, I would really love to hear your opinion: in which moments you felt especially lost? where would you add more description & less dialogue?
Haha I guess that is the case. In my opinion, things get very disorientating at the end of page 1, and page 2 largely makes it more confusing; because of how fast paced the narrative is, that is, perhaps, accurately representing the feelings of the characters in that moment, which is good, but as a reader I struggle to put myself into an environment and with people I cannot imagine. I feel like that is especially the case when writing things that are different from "traditional" fantasy and include things that might be new to reader, because of the total lack of meta grounding at that point
Thanks a lot. I will put a little more physical stuff in there.
I want to say, the 'original version' is written in German. German language has an "impersonal" form, to keep a little distance between you & others (e.g. in a working-environment). So the Old One uses impersonal form when talking to others & singular when talking of himself. he is also portrayed as male. while the Visitor uses a personal form with others (like you would use with friends or family) & uses plural when talking of itself. It is also referenced as"it", so the German text might give a reader a little more orientation who is talking at which moment.
However, I am very thankful for your feedback & will try to implement it into the next version. Guess I will read your story again & that one by arthim. You guys are masterful at physical description