Play Narrative Pitch
This office is a circus with all the animals's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Story / Plot | #4 | 3.600 | 3.600 |
| Characters / Voice | #8 | 2.600 | 2.600 |
| Overall | #10 | 2.800 | 2.800 |
| Dialogue / Writing Style | #11 | 2.200 | 2.200 |
Ranked from 5 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
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Comments
You've put down a lot of ground work here and I think some focus would help. Maybe try to narrow down the idea to a few key elements rather than trying to have the game do too much. What do you think the player fantasy is with this game? What do you see the action looking like? I was having trouble visualizing this as a card game which you mention being a possibility. Overall a lot of cool ideas here about the sheer ridiculousness, madness and darkness that comes from working in an office environment.
I admit I found it a bit hard to create a coherent and straight story, mainly because the story doesn't really have one, it's just the premise; that's why I tought a card game, as gameplay, would fit. This way I think I don't really need a deep story but just well thought symbolism and a solid worldbuilding. I took Inscryption as an example, it doesn't have a really deep story but it is mainly about lore and worldbuilding, but this is masked by a good gameplay that keeps you engaged which is the card game.
But after all this I admit that I just got inspired about this idea and it was my first time playing around with this kind of idea about unseriousness and absurdity, so my inexperience got the best of me, but feedbacks always help to improve
Love the concept, but you stated it to be absurd comedy, and I couldn't get the comedic tone out of the pitch. Maybe stay out of comedy, just do absurd and surreal, because the story is great, the corporate vibes and the Severance type of atmosphere are also working, but comedy is not present
You are definitely right about the genre, I was unsure of where exactly I could put the story, surely it isn't a drama and I tought it could be seen as some kind of comedy. Probably the best thing there would something in the lines of "Social Commentary" or something like that.
I'm glad you liked the story tho.
You can also use dramedy as a genre, then absurdity fits
that one really went over my head, great advice, thanks.
The document is a bit of a rough read because of the formatting. I'd suggest fewer words in bold and bigger distance between the lines and paragraphs in the future. Despite it, I dig the concept very much. Relatable stuff, maybe a bit too relatable, corpo-world is for a different breed of people
I'm glad you read it even if it was difficult, ironically I placed the words in bold to help with the read but I guess it had the opposite result; I'm still finding a way to write documents that feels right to me so thanks for the suggestions.
I'm happy you like the idea, I could even use the sentence "corpo-world is for a different breed of people", it feels exactly right, even making a joke etween "breed" and the different animals of the story
I definitely get powerful vibes from this. The descriptions of the office turning into a surreal, absurd space are great, and paint a vivid picture of the setting. I came out less clear about the game mechanics and what the player's perspective would be, which made it hard to visualize what the finished product might look like. Excellent visual references, though.
I realized I made the document a bit too vague and open to interpretation on some stuff, maybe I got caught in the weird vibe too.
The idea at the core is to explore this rise of position of the protagonist in the office.
I went with the idea of a card game for gameplay because I tought it mached the sillyness of the setting; so as gameplay you would probably have to challenge your colleagues to rise to higher floors and reach the "boss"; there is also some exploration that could be done like small subquests like office chores that could lead to some strange puzzles, they could reward the player with cards or some king of advantage while playing cards. To get a more clear idea I would probably have to create the entire card system...