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Supply Run

A topic by Fergus Doyle created Oct 27, 2020 Views: 43 Replies: 3
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Hey friends, I've been working on this for a couple of months and bit of feedback would be nice - main things are a) how clear the players objectives are and that there aren't any misunderstandings about how they're achieving them and b) consistency of characterisation, since I wrote this over a few months so some of the characters might not sound the same the whole way through. There might also be some grammatical errors but don't worry too much about them because I still need to do a couple of passes to makes sure they're ironed out.

Password: starkad


Mechavaliers - Is that pronounced meh-cavaliers?

First impressions: Just looking at the side-bar on the left I initially thought Yeti, Hobgoblin and Archangel was my party of adventurers, but after reading the intro text I understood these were my objectives. I felt like I understood what the objectives were and which shop was going to solve each.

fright elevator - typo (or is it?). I'd be happy to do a proof-read for typos and grammar when you're closer to finishing.

Good scene-setting, feels like grimy cyberpunk. Enjoyed the writing, little bits of humour are good.

Grosz - new-looking mech - expressed an interest in it, obviously dodgy - offered job but the job sounded like the one I already have, just dodgier. Grosz could make more of a sell on it, make it clear that the player's position is at the bottom and being a scout pilot is a big step up.

I thought Bolter was more relaxed when I returned to the hangar than at the start and when I called her.

I got the good ending after playing it through four times, the first time losing two pilots, the second time losing only one pilot, third time I took Grosz' mech and got the ending with Bolter and a bullet, fourth time all the pilots survived. Played through a few more times without anything obviously wrong.

Thanks for the quick and thorough feedback :)

More like Mech-avaliers - its an awful joke, but my favourite name for a mech lance/company... 

A little halloween typo for you there... thanks for the offer, I should be fine though. the main problem is that Twine doesn't have a spell checker so I'm just going to do a couple of passes at it tomorrow :)

yeah, I'll put the hard sell on with Grosz... I don't want people throwing away their first playthrough, and highlight that it would be a Big Thing for the PC to do that, but at the same time something very tempting you know?

Good point about Bolter last time round, that was one of the last things I wrote so least polished.

I think 3/4 playthroughs is good, when you call bolter she always tells you the "best" thing to buy, so after 3 times you'll have heard all of them + the renegade ending. 

Thanks again for reading it and for all the feedback - im glad it all "works" in concept at least and, thanks for playing it through so many times. Hopefully you had fun with it too ☺ 

Jam Host (1 edit)

Enjoyed playing through this! I gave Fergus feedback on it on Thursday over voice chats. I agreed that the sell from Grosz was a bit too dodgy-sounding, it was tempting but felt like too much of a betrayal too.

I was sad that the deluxe bullets were worse than the normal ones, damn that false advertising, but it fits with the setting.

I was also a bit annoyed that repairing the sensor was the wrong choice because I don't want to go wasting a perfectly good sensor that just needs a bit of hacking to get working.

Lost two pilots on the first go myself too, did kind of concentrate on trying to optimise the numbers rather than thinking enough about the actual wording.