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A jam submission

The Find of a LifetimeView project page

Two scavenger find a seemingly undamaged frigate. The find of a lifetime!
Submitted by The Second Mouse — 1 day, 16 hours before the deadline
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The Find of a Lifetime's itch.io page

Results

CriteriaRankScore*Raw Score
Concept & Originality#113.9293.929
Flow & Clarity#173.5713.571
Overall#193.5833.583
Adherence to the Theme#253.2503.250

Ranked from 28 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.

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Comments

Submitted(+1)

death2aliens made me smile. Good work overall!

Submitted(+1)

Great use of humor that I haven't seen much of within this setting. I don't know if you'll win the jam, but you won my heart with the death2aliens part. Genuinely laughed out loud.

Submitted(+1)

I loved the ending. The writing could have flowed better, but the concept was great. The dialogue was pretty nice too.

Submitted(+1)

I quite enjoyed reading this one. The situation of a scavengers searching ghost ships after a battle offers a lot for tense scenes (especially in a setting where Daemons prowl) and the sudden build up of imagery with the reflecting eye lenses worked quite well. Plus, I admit to having a good chuckle with the password attempts.  
Whilst everything at the end was very sudden, that felt appropriate for the intended tone plus with the aimed word count, there is only so much that could be done to foreshadow.  I would have liked a tad more to explore the environment they were in, location and tone is oh so effective when foreshadowing a sudden horror ending. Beyond that however, loved it. :) 

Developer

Glad you enjoyed it!
I got stuck writing the dialogue and then just couldn't bring myself to cut any part out. I'm just glad I was able to cut enough off my first draft to stay in the limit! :P

Submitted(+1)

"if it's to good too be true, it probably is"

loved this story, great humor, fav part: Death2Alienz

Submitted(+1)

I love the perspective here, a couple of scavengers on a Battle Brothers ship. The present tense is effective in evoking a sense of immediacy, and you do a good job with adding a bit of humor and light-heartedness to an otherwise tense situation.

It's tricky to do present-tense well, though. There are several places where you slipped into past tense. For example, "Maric was not looking at him" should be "Maric is not looking at him". Swapping tenses tends to break the illusion, and dropped me out of the story several times.

Great ending, though! It really nailed the atmosphere of horror you built up through the rest of the story.

Developer(+1)

Thanks!! And yeah staying in the right tense is my greatest challenge rn... but I'm improving (you do not want to see the first draft xD)

Submitted(+1)

Haha, love the "One man's failure line..."

Submitted(+1)

I think this story could use a little more clarity, both in the dialogue between the two smugglers, and in their final fate. I know it was intended to be a shock reveal, but I'm not sure what was revealed. I would have appreciated one or two more clues to that effect. Overall though this was a well-done horror story.

Developer

Thanks for the advice !! Tbh I was really into the whole corrupted machine cult stuff I kind of lost track of remembering to introduce it, as it is a rather unknown faction, Whoops :P