Hi! I moved your post to a category that fits better. You might want to give a few details as well. What's the game going to be like, more exactly, and what kind of feedback you're looking for?

For what it's worth, at a glance your script is quite long and involved. Could you make the cutscene as written, if you had to?

You should do basic drawings for the script... like an storyboard you can say. With that it will be easier to visualize what you are saying, is not necessary to be really detailed, but with that you can show us something else than the script. Because i can imagine it in a certain way, but  maybe you imagine it different.