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Wren [CUIDADX] Romero

61
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1
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A member registered Oct 25, 2019 · View creator page →

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this the hardest looking ish i ever saw

Interesting story and concept; felt like the Goddess was under-utilized. I wanted to hear her thoughts on what the dwarves were doing, more than anything; I was wondering what she had told the priest, and how, and how the priest had reacted, and how the brother had reacted the first time. It felt like the timing of this vignette is a little off, like the most interesting parts - the revelation, the initial confrontation, the arrest, the punishment - were all pushed to the side in favor of a vividly rendered, but ultimately flat conversation where neither side changed their mind.

Loved the concept, indifferent about the execution. Your core idea of trying to put a fresh spin on a faction pays off in spades though, and will definitely stick with me, even if the story itself probably won't.

A solid, memorable piece of writing. A bit muddy at times, but has some great beats to hold it together.

Loved the use of a conversation with a child as a vehicle for the story; their dialogue felt very true on both parts.

Some solid stuff here. Loved the emotional stakes, and the detail of always using "HE" for one of the characters really stuck with me. Found it hard to follow the specifics, but appreciate the care put into the characters and their relationships.

Crisp, evocative, with a whole world of sentences I'd love to peer further into. Splendid.

Loved this all around. Clear, original, precise. Every detail well placed, the action well paced, and the descriptions awesome in a classical sense. Great read!

I often found myself re-reading each paragraph multiple times, or referring to previous paragraphs to keep track of who was doing what action, when, why, and to what.

Appreciate the notes! Glad to hear I succeeded at the goals I had, but I'm definitely looking forward to the next one page jam so I can focus on what I can really do in one page.

Thanks for taking the time to read and leave some notes! I'm excited for the next jam so I can focus on really nailing what it means to fit an entire story in one page.

Appreciate the notes, especially on the technical point of perspective, which is something I went back and forth on. I don't regret getting it out of my system, but I probably wouldn't do it the same way again. Something I'm taking away for my future work in this setting is to focus on distilling things to make stronger standalone pieces for entry into the larger fiction so that the details can compound over time. Again, thanks for taking the time to write this up, I really enjoy the stuff you've written.

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I absolutely intend to write more of this, hopefully with a little practice the individual entries will get less dense and start to work more as a mosaic. Hope you'll tune in next time!

as destiny commands.

Loved the centerpiece scene of the duel, it's a great piece of drama that's just held back a bit by uneven pacing of character beats, dialogue and ideas.

Loved this concept, but felt like the attention to detail was very lacking. Would love to read a second draft of this after the voting closes, because I think if you clean up the language it'll really get a chance to shine.

Loved this concept, but felt like the attention to detail was very lacking. Would love to read a second draft of this after the voting closes, because I think if you clean up the language it'll really get a chance to shine.

Love this, reminds me of a classic asimov story transposed into the world of Grimdark Future. Very fun to live in this world for a few hundred words, and I adore the use of something as small as a sandwich in the work fridge to anchor the whole thing.

Great character beats, really enjoyed seeing this rendition of this faction. Perfect beat to end on.

Elegant worldbuilding, and great contrast between the silly (holy funk hunk! holy funk hunk!) and the sublime (the ways of elders). You should be proud of this.

Delightful piece of writing. I have no idea what happened or where the last line came from, but I had a great time reading it.

Loved this concept, characters, and straightforward story beat. Well executed - kind of flat, but it's worth it for an elegant little joke like this.

Really enjoyed this concept and approach, but found it hard to follow. Some solid character writing.

Absolutely excellent execution, I think on just a sentence to sentence level by far my favorite story in the competition. Loved the way that empathy was used both as a core verb for the combat sequence and as a vehicle for conveying the theme, but do feel like this story stopped a bit short of really bringing the theme back around, even if I enjoyed it tremendously. Looking forward to reading more from you, there's a really great command of character voice in this one.

Love this concept, wish you had given it more room to breathe! There's something interesting here about how do the havoc brothers understand their work, but I didn't really get a moment to sit with it in this story.

Cool concept and execution, enjoyed the character journeys, but found it very difficult to follow the story in terms of composition, and that makes it hard for me to really pick out the moment-to-moment nuances even after a couple of passes. Really creative use of theme and setting, hope to see more of that from you!

Enjoyed the core concept here, and a lot of the details used to explore the moral conflict at the center of the story. Solid use of the theme, and a great choice of faction for this approach, but it does feel like the time crunch really held this story back from having the great character beats that would make it sing. Looking forward to reading more of your work!

Really, really strong piece of writing. The moral conflict of the story takes a backseat, which really holds it back, but the core actions are gripping to read. Looking forward to reading more of your work as you refine your character beats and find ways to weave theme into this great action writing.

Really enjoy this premise, especially the language of the protagonist, but felt like it missed the mark on theme. Really loved seeing the world through a robot's eyes

Really cool premise and language, some interesting foundations for something bigger

Very original!

Love the commitment to exploring the theme, and find myself intrigued by the conflict at the core of the story, but had to come back a few times to actually piece the prose together for myself.

Well done, straightforward approach to dark fantasy. Loved the character beats in the middle, felt like a great, subtle way to approach the theme before bringing the point home.

Really a treat, and my favorite take on the theme. Made my night

Amazing twist held back by some really messy editing. Given the time constraint, totally understandable. Made me smile a ton when I got to the end.

Really engaging concept and twist, but hard to follow. Really fun character to think about, even if the actions of the story felt very unclear to me.

Solid concept. Found myself wishing I had gotten a chance to meet either of the characters as people

Really well rendered, with some brilliant lines.  Found myself wondering, "Who is Shay? What's her stake in this? What consequences does this revelation have for her?"

Great character development, easy to follow.

Loved the details and "starship troopers" esque concept, but felt very put off by the language; just couldn't get myself to believe that these characters were people who did what they did and talked the way they did.