Appreciate the notes, especially on the technical point of perspective, which is something I went back and forth on. I don't regret getting it out of my system, but I probably wouldn't do it the same way again. Something I'm taking away for my future work in this setting is to focus on distilling things to make stronger standalone pieces for entry into the larger fiction so that the details can compound over time. Again, thanks for taking the time to write this up, I really enjoy the stuff you've written.
Viewing post in Record of Mourndrift War jam comments
I'm glad you found my comments helpful. Re-reading my own post I think it comes across more critical than I intended it to. I did like the piece, and I can see you've put a lot of work into the cultural and historical background of your setting. 'Distilling' things to smaller elements that compound over time is probably the way to go; what I've found works for me in my own worldbuilding writing is to pick one or two core ideas that I want to introduce in that particular work, and minimize or hide everything else.