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A jam submission

Betrayal's ReflectionView game page

A Grimdark return to a familiar funhouse tale (OPR Writing Jam #4)
Submitted by Hobby Fuzion — 13 hours, 30 minutes before the deadline
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Betrayal's Reflection's itch.io page

Results

CriteriaRankScore*Raw Score
Adherence to the Theme#322.7262.944
Concept & Originality#353.0863.333
Flow & Clarity#362.1602.333
Overall#362.6572.870

Ranked from 18 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.

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Comments

Submitted

Some solid stuff here. Loved the emotional stakes, and the detail of always using "HE" for one of the characters really stuck with me. Found it hard to follow the specifics, but appreciate the care put into the characters and their relationships.

Submitted

Brings flashbacks of my own writing in the far far past. Though I did look up the previous story in this series I still at times found it confusing to keep track of who was who and what they were doing. Maybe a short recap at the start for those who can't or won't read the prequel to get this story's readers up to speed, and maybe some details to tell us who these people stuck in the Funhouse are. I still have no clue, and I kind of really want to know so I can feel invested in them. Keep writing and reading and observing. Find your voice and don't stop sharing it with us.

Submitted

I re-read your previous submission to make sure I was up to speed... and it took me a couple reads to get a handle on what's going on in Betrayal. You introduce a number of characters and plot twists very quickly, and I think the story would benefit if you slowed it down a little and introduced things more clearly. The point that took me the longest to grasp was that Claudia is the unnamed clown from Sharp Reflections - even having just re-read Sharp, on my first read of Betrayal she seemed as if she was a completely new character.

That said, you set up a very compelling and powerful scenario in this story. I was intrigued by the setup and you left me wanting to learn more about who HE is, why and how HE recruits his (apparently unwilling) pawns, and what HIS ultimate purpose is for the people HE kidnaps. It was a stroke of diabolical brilliance to have your narrator only willing to refer to the circus' master as HE, by the way: it perfectly conveys the narrator's own sense of awestruck horror/horrified awe for this figure, and leaves the reader picturing the worst thing they can imagine.

You have definitely improved as a writer between this and OPR jam #4, too! Your descriptions are sharper and the flow of your text is better. Keep it up!

Submitted

 I liked this one, I didn't read the first one so at times I was lost, but overall it was good. My only gripe was that I felt it ended too quickly.

DeveloperSubmitted

Hmmm. I can open on laptop and on IPad, let me check about if I can update the file -sorry!

Submitted

Hey just letting you know that the file isn't working for me! might be due to the double extension of .docx.pdf