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rlynnz

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A member registered 33 days ago

Recent community posts

Wow, what an unusual story world! I'm certainly curious to find out where the plot will go, especially if it follows a path of gray morality concerning the 'evil' character in the last scene. If she turns out to actually be attempting to do good, or better yet actually does some good, it will be a storyline of deep complexity and layered perspective. Always a plus!

However, I have to agree with another commenter that there is not enough color contrast in the background, and it's hard on the eyes. I realise that this was probably an intentional effect, because you were trying to give the impression of an environment where light comes from everywhere, not just one source. It seems that this may be part of the plotline, so I'm not sure what kind of compromise could be reached... but I suggest that it would be worth playing around with. I found it to be a relief when the star died and the tower went dark, just because I could see better, and I don't think that's quite the effect you were going for!

Also, I would like to critique the dialogue. I think that in general, it suffers from mundanity. Too many words, and there were many times that I didn't feel engaged.  Some of the text uses strong language that really gives you a little taste of each character's insecurities, and I appreciated how those were deftly woven in. I also saw bits of plot inserted so we could start to build an idea of the story. But especially in Apple's scene and in the interaction between the two lovers, much of the dialogue fell flat for me. 

The problem was perplexingly incongruous with itself:  on the one hand, there was chatter about things that seemd unimportnt to me; on the other hand, there was also a lot of intellectual, self-analytical dialogue, both internally and externally. The beginning of Clio's scene starts off strong and interesting, but I began to feel bored when the emphasis shifted from Clio's silly nervous habits to her interaction with Maera.  I don't want to over-run you with advice, so I will only say: 1, that repeated verbal self-deprecation is not necessarily character development; and 2, that most things really don't need to be explained. Human beings have incredible social intelligence, and (I, at least) feel empowered and involved when you trust us to analyze relationships and personalities ourselves. I would rather you show us how characters are behaving and what they are feeling, and then I can draw my own conclusions and empathize and get drawn into the story. 

This introductory VN builds to a story with a  lot of potential, and I wish you the best in your journey! I hope that the experiences and opinions I've shared with you will in some way be helpful to you in the construction of your main story.

Queen's Crown community · Created a new topic Great Demo

I posting here to give you my words of support. I so enjoyed playing the demo (I was quite dissapointed when it ended!) and it's clear that you are creating a VN of superior quality.

In addition to the art, atmosphere, and character development--which were all fantastic--the  element I found most engaging was the complexity of the dialogue choices. I liked the sensation of not knowing what the "right" choice would be, and found myself thinking them over intensely, trying to guess the effects different approaches might have. I especially appreciated the emphasis on tone over content, and the 'internal' type choices which determine personality.

What an incredble start, I will be excited to play when the full game is released!

Everything about this VN is phenomenal. The artwork is lovely: textured but not overcrowded. The setting is such fun, the atmosphere and mood of the speakeasy is smooth like good chocolate. The characters are each one unique and well-developed, and I just love the old language (with that witty built-in glossary!!). I look forward to playing through all the characters because the story is so engaging that I feel excited to see the full creation. 

I wanted to say that among my very favorite things is the simplicity of the choice branching system. For one thing, it makes for easy replay if you want to view the different possible endings quickly. But what's really valuable to me is  the way it opens up thought about how seemingly small, innocuous words and choices can have a profound impact on the world and on other people. As you play the main character, you don't even realise at first how her words have affected other characters so strongly. Usually its the loud, powerful words that people focus on as being important. But in Alexei's branch (I haven't played the others yet), he is only able to hear the MC's strong words at the end if she has earlier on acted in a way that gains his trust and establishes herself in his eyes as thoughtful and caring. An early attempt at self-responsibility and a single expressed desire to end fighting between friends prevents Alexei from dying horribly in the end? What a way to say that it's the small things that matter! And the differences between those choices are so subtle! 

I love subtlety. Thank you for the creation of this beautifully touching, provocative visual novel.

SweetChiel, 

Thank you for your gentle and genuine reply!

This strikes me as a good time to switch to a private messaging system, but I am new to Itch and I don't see a function for that?

I would like to tentatively offer myself as a resource to help you with proofreading. I need to think about how much time I want to offer, but I do have extra time and I enjoy editing and story creation. Please let me know what you think about that, and if there is a way for us to continue this conversation without taking up more space on the comment board.

:)

rlynnz

Wow! This VN  was an incredible experience. The dialogue and writing were completely smooth, and the artwork simple yet immersive. The characters were all so realistic, and (as many have said) relatable, and it was a great call to switch the perspectives so that we played each of the main characters individually. It definitely made for a balanced experience and helped the reader to love and understand each of them, resulting in Noelle and Akarsha gaining the importance they deserve to the storyline.

One thing I want to praise in particular is that the sexual orientation aspect was positive and natural, not like the old stories which were always about how terribly hard it is to be gay. (After all, in a supportive community, being gay or behaving outside prescribed gender roles doesn't have to be so hard.) It's enjoyable to read a story in which the focus is on how hard it is to be human, which is something everybody has in common. Maybe even more importantly,  it's also a story about how friendship and laughter and opening up emotionally can turn the hardships of humanity into beautiful life experiences. 

After that bit of reflection, the take-away for me was a renewed feeling of respect and compassion for the courage and wisdom of childhood and adolescence, for surviving and supporting each other in their growth to young adulthood. Thank you for the creation of this beautiful novel.

Hello,

I downloaded this visual novel and found the visuals to be astoundingly beautiful! The music was lovely and I was impressed in general by the layout and the controls in the options menu. I was enjoying the storyline for the short time that I kept with it. Unfortunately, there were two things that bothered me enough that I stopped reading. I would like to share this feedback with you, and I hope you will find it helpful to your growth as a VN creator.

The first problem I encountered was that the English does not flow well. This usually happens when the writer speaks English as a second language, and I'm guessing this is the case here? I am a native English speaker and a person who appreciates the beauty of language used to its best potential. I am worried that you will read this review and feel defensive, and be angry for this criticism. Of course I wouldn't demand that anybody have a masterful grasp on a second language, but for the VN this is a problem that can be resolved by asking for help from other people. I also acknowledge that for many readers the grammar and flow is probably good enough.  For me, the awkward phrasing, unnecessary explanations, and occasional but noticeable mistakes kept pulling my mind away from the story, and sadly I couldn't let myself fall away into the unfolding world of Nusantara. The help of a talented editor who is a native speaker could have brought this VN to its full potential!

The other thing that I found uncomfortable was less important to me, but I'll mention it anyways. That was the visual effect of the fast-paced in/out fade of the picture (for example, during the dream scene and the drowning scene at the beginning.) It did accomplish a feeling in my body of suspense, but I found it to be a bit too stimulating. It hurt my eyes and I wondered if I'd get a headache from watching it. It would have been comfortable for me if either the pace was slower, or the blinking happened for maybe half the time, or possibly both. 

On that subject, I found the shaking screen to be a really cool effect--but devastatingly overused. If the picture only shook at the most important of times, it would really draw attention to those moments. Instead, it was happening every minute or two, and the novelty wore off quickly. There are many different ways to convey the shock of less important surprises.

Again, I hope my feedback is constructive to you as a creator. The art you have made here is beautiful, and to judge by other reviews on the page, the storyline sounds engaging. I wish you the best on your future projects!