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Hello,

I downloaded this visual novel and found the visuals to be astoundingly beautiful! The music was lovely and I was impressed in general by the layout and the controls in the options menu. I was enjoying the storyline for the short time that I kept with it. Unfortunately, there were two things that bothered me enough that I stopped reading. I would like to share this feedback with you, and I hope you will find it helpful to your growth as a VN creator.

The first problem I encountered was that the English does not flow well. This usually happens when the writer speaks English as a second language, and I'm guessing this is the case here? I am a native English speaker and a person who appreciates the beauty of language used to its best potential. I am worried that you will read this review and feel defensive, and be angry for this criticism. Of course I wouldn't demand that anybody have a masterful grasp on a second language, but for the VN this is a problem that can be resolved by asking for help from other people. I also acknowledge that for many readers the grammar and flow is probably good enough.  For me, the awkward phrasing, unnecessary explanations, and occasional but noticeable mistakes kept pulling my mind away from the story, and sadly I couldn't let myself fall away into the unfolding world of Nusantara. The help of a talented editor who is a native speaker could have brought this VN to its full potential!

The other thing that I found uncomfortable was less important to me, but I'll mention it anyways. That was the visual effect of the fast-paced in/out fade of the picture (for example, during the dream scene and the drowning scene at the beginning.) It did accomplish a feeling in my body of suspense, but I found it to be a bit too stimulating. It hurt my eyes and I wondered if I'd get a headache from watching it. It would have been comfortable for me if either the pace was slower, or the blinking happened for maybe half the time, or possibly both. 

On that subject, I found the shaking screen to be a really cool effect--but devastatingly overused. If the picture only shook at the most important of times, it would really draw attention to those moments. Instead, it was happening every minute or two, and the novelty wore off quickly. There are many different ways to convey the shock of less important surprises.

Again, I hope my feedback is constructive to you as a creator. The art you have made here is beautiful, and to judge by other reviews on the page, the storyline sounds engaging. I wish you the best on your future projects!

Hi rlynnz! Thanks for dropping by and for the very kind advices! ^.^-

As you've guessed, yes, my native language is not English and I've been struggling with grammar errors/mistakes/flow for a long time now x_x 

I have 2 proofreaders to help with Bermuda's script now, but due to the very long story and duration, our eyes seemed to have grown dull or maybe it's just us missing a few mistakes here and there :"D (ah, I'm sure my proofreaders have their hands full with my less-than-tody raw script ><)

Hmm, I also often edited the script during the programming so yup, a lot of factors affecting the script x_x

Of course, I'll do my best to minimize the grammar error, but I do hope you'll bear with me if some still escaped our radar ^^;; 

As for the effects in the game; yes! Thank you for pointing it out! I usually check them myself and I admit, the shaking effect is a bit overused. Hmm I have half a mind to slow down the fade in and out effect from 1 second to 2 seconds, but some readers might find it a bit too slow since the story pace is already slow lol x'D 

Ah, but I'll take care so there are more effect variations available and hopefully, the time skip won't feel too dull!

However, if you maybe have a friend who you feel would be glad to volunteer as a proofreader, can you introduce them to me? I always look around for someone of native English that have some free time in their hands >< to help me and maybe teach me as time goes by :')

Thanks again and hope to see you around!

Xoxo,

SweetChiel

SweetChiel, 

Thank you for your gentle and genuine reply!

This strikes me as a good time to switch to a private messaging system, but I am new to Itch and I don't see a function for that?

I would like to tentatively offer myself as a resource to help you with proofreading. I need to think about how much time I want to offer, but I do have extra time and I enjoy editing and story creation. Please let me know what you think about that, and if there is a way for us to continue this conversation without taking up more space on the comment board.

:)

rlynnz

(1 edit)

Ah sorry for the late reply! My internet is having ups and downs these days ><

Itch.io doesn't have a messaging system, but do you have facebook? I'm really active over there!

If you do, please add me : Cecilia Sabrina Susanto. My profile picture is the same is this one.

Or maybe you can leave me your email? Since proofreading will take a lot of your time, how about becoming a beta tester when the game is almost complete? You can give me some notes about how to improve some specific scenes/pacing advices and I will edit them accordingly/adapt it better that way!

Xoxo,

SweetChiel