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The Waters Above: Prelude

A yuri kinetic novel about sea nymphs who tend to the stars. A free prequel to The Waters Above. · By Studio √Član, minute, ufowitch, Adirosa

A critique

A topic by rlynnz created Jul 04, 2018 Views: 240
Viewing posts 1 to 1

Wow, what an unusual story world! I'm certainly curious to find out where the plot will go, especially if it follows a path of gray morality concerning the 'evil' character in the last scene. If she turns out to actually be attempting to do good, or better yet actually does some good, it will be a storyline of deep complexity and layered perspective. Always a plus!

However, I have to agree with another commenter that there is not enough color contrast in the background, and it's hard on the eyes. I realise that this was probably an intentional effect, because you were trying to give the impression of an environment where light comes from everywhere, not just one source. It seems that this may be part of the plotline, so I'm not sure what kind of compromise could be reached... but I suggest that it would be worth playing around with. I found it to be a relief when the star died and the tower went dark, just because I could see better, and I don't think that's quite the effect you were going for!

Also, I would like to critique the dialogue. I think that in general, it suffers from mundanity. Too many words, and there were many times that I didn't feel engaged.  Some of the text uses strong language that really gives you a little taste of each character's insecurities, and I appreciated how those were deftly woven in. I also saw bits of plot inserted so we could start to build an idea of the story. But especially in Apple's scene and in the interaction between the two lovers, much of the dialogue fell flat for me. 

The problem was perplexingly incongruous with itself:  on the one hand, there was chatter about things that seemd unimportnt to me; on the other hand, there was also a lot of intellectual, self-analytical dialogue, both internally and externally. The beginning of Clio's scene starts off strong and interesting, but I began to feel bored when the emphasis shifted from Clio's silly nervous habits to her interaction with Maera.  I don't want to over-run you with advice, so I will only say: 1, that repeated verbal self-deprecation is not necessarily character development; and 2, that most things really don't need to be explained. Human beings have incredible social intelligence, and (I, at least) feel empowered and involved when you trust us to analyze relationships and personalities ourselves. I would rather you show us how characters are behaving and what they are feeling, and then I can draw my own conclusions and empathize and get drawn into the story. 

This introductory VN builds to a story with a  lot of potential, and I wish you the best in your journey! I hope that the experiences and opinions I've shared with you will in some way be helpful to you in the construction of your main story.