As I said last time, the art is great and the concept is very intriguing. Super interested in where this story is going to go!

The rewrite of the beginning of this story is exactly what this story needed. All of my criticisms were fixed, or at least improved, though some things still bothers me. First, though, I want to talk about the writing. It isn't amazing, but it's fine. Mostly it's just evident that the writer is somewhat new to writing and they'll learn as the VN is made. Not really a big deal and I'm excited to see them improve!

In an earlier review I said it didn't make sense that they would not test the machine before the deadline but after reading more, not having the formula right would definitely make sense to stop them from testing.

An issue I do have though is that it felt like the people in the other dimension didn't treat the protag crossing dimensions as serious as they should have. Like, their machine gets used and actually works this time but they just seem mildly enthused. Then, they just allow a person from another dimension into the normal world after one test, and the test was just to confirm that they are from a different dimension rather than if their presence is dangerous. They do do a medical checkup on the protag the day after, but it feels wrong that they would just allow someone from another dimension to go into the real world, knowing nothing about how dangerous he is as a person or how his being there would affect the world around him. I feel they should be much more cautious of an interdimensional traveller messing things up. That scene feels very rushed and more focused on showing how each character differs from their alternate universe self rather than the characters acting accordingly to the situation.

That is an issue I see in a lot of the writing, actually. A lot of the scenes feel rushed through to get to the next plot point and that the characters' thoughts and feelings are said instead of shown in order to move the plot faster. I think slowing things down and allowing each scene to have more time would do wonders, though I also know doing that isn't easy, especially for newer writers.

Even with that, this new version is significantly better and I'm excited to see where the story of these boys go!