Hmmm a weird one. I think it needs editing. The prose was a neat attempt, but as said prior it needed a second glaze. Art was hastely made, but I wished the void scene would have been not void.
From the story standpoint. I actually think the start was not that necessary. Probably would have cutted a little there.

This narration style would fit NVL a lot more than adv. Still a decent attempt!