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Neravin

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A member registered Aug 08, 2023 · View creator page →

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A few grammar mistakes, and the dialogue is a bit iffy, but a good story about shell shock and resolve. A little on the nose having impossible in both the title AND the story, but the destruction present and youth of the rat make it just about work.

Also I see you fellow rat fan having people tell their rats stories about heroes, heck yeah

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Good descriptive work, maybe it's a coincidence but the use of "prompting" when trying to get something useful out of his device reminded me of AI slop merchants thematically. He's ALSO willing to damn things to have his special toy function!

I love stories that break OPR away from the GW lore that it was birthed from, and this one really seems to nail that using the lore we have for the factions. The dark elves have grit, but hope, and it's nice to see. There are a few sentences that read a little wonky, but overall this was a great read and the save at the end doesn't evoke deus ex machina like a lot of other works have. Raiders and bikers go hand in hand.

An easy read in the best way. The concept is fantastic, I love the exploration of prophecy vs free will. It makes you wonder how many other Saurians might have experienced the same thing, but are just flying by the seat of their pants.

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Ooh, I loved this. A giant whale as a comedy utensil gives me Monty Python meets Hitchhiker vibes, though there could be some editing done for a smoother ride. There's overuse of the word "swarm" as well, but after a while it became a bit of an absurdity and I was smiling the whole time.

It's very obvious what the reveal is from the moment the curtains are mentioned, but I think that really helps the story that you've told. There's a sense of dread and finality that hangs over both Raina and Gerrick that neither can escape, and Raina's faltering denial fighting with her regret makes that thematic impossibility really work. I'd say the ending really seals the doom BECAUSE it's bloodless. She'll know Gerrick is out there, but nothing can ever happen.

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The AI art makes reviewing this difficult, but a havoc incursion being stopped by sisters is usually fun. 

The dialogue could use some editing and there are a few sentences here and there that could be rearranged, but as mk812 said below your description of spell casting was quite cool. 

It's a very familiar story, but you spice it up with the corrupted bureaucracy that allows her to do the things she does. The scale of her actions also fits very nicely with Grimdark.

The combat was well written! The story doesn't really feel like it fits into the "impossible" theming though. The lone Custodian soldier comes up with a very simple plan and executes it flawlessly while slaughtering a number of Sisters units, which again is very nicely written but does seem more like an impossibility for the Sisters rather than the Custodian. His undoing honestly feels out of character you presented in the first part, and leaves me wondering "why would he do that?"

The sudden emotion at the end feels a little inexplicable, but there's a good core here! It reads as something like lecture vs lab, studying vs experience, that could really be expanded on.

The ideas presented are fascinating, they could just use some minor editing for flow. There's a very ethereal, ghost in the machine aspect to the repair bot going back and forth which I do really like, but the phrasing leaves the ghost a little cramped. The n +/- breaks are a cool idea, but don't feel fully executed.

Your story brings up a lot of questions that are fun to consider. How does a being of pure wrath birth something that can feel anything else? What could a being of wrath experience to make them contemplative? How much risk does Wrath allow in letting this happen? Very fun thought experiment.

The trio of guards tossing out ideas for HOW the halfling was going to kill the giant was quite amusing, and you were quick with your characterization of each with only a thousand words. With a few editing passes (mostly for grammar and clarity) and maybe another draft, I think you'd have something really fun! It could easily fit in a lore blurb.

Uploading a PDF version! Sorry about that!

On it! Sorry about that, I completely forgot Open Office could export as a PDF. 

This is peak unlikely allies--agents of havoc, about as true a villain as the setting has without getting in to Your Dudes territory, being trusted because there really isn't any other option. Definitely a jam topper.

I dig the unlikely allies angle coming from the protagonist having to fast talk her way into the cultist's good graces.  Also, for those questioning the alliance, the first paragraph states that robot legions interrupted the fighting, not that the protag would be killing more DAO soldiers. As for the pronoun verification, on the one hand I appreciate the inclusion but on the other I feel like it could have been included a bit more smoothly.

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That's a fantastic point, I got wrapped up in the avatar core bit and just dropping something about "odd energy signatures" while the elves were "extended too far to turn back" or something like that would have done a world of good. Thanks a ton!
Also that's two people saying it has an Artemis Fowl feel and I never read the books XD

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In retrospect I totally see what you mean about the factions themselves being logical allies when you look at the fluff, even if there probably are robot legions and DER kabals who don't trust each other. Scales of grey, right? I'd hoped the idea of the Elven noble superiority might play up the idea of the upper class thinking it would be unlikely that the lower classes would actually band together--playing in to class power coming partially from pitting those lower than your own against each other.

Hell yeah fellow rat fan, definitely one of the favorites of the jam
(Jerma references are also a +2)