i'm in so much pain physically and mentally. i just want my mom.
it feels like ever since she got a boyfriend all she does is care about herself and her boyfriend and my brother and I'm all alone on my own island. i ask what we're doing for dinner, she doesn't know. Says it whatever.
but I need to eat?
I don't know. I know she isn't neglecting me but sometimes I feel that way.
school in 9 days and I'm just sooo happy to go back and have to do work and see all my friends and act like I'm happy and I'm okay and I just love school!!! I love being in public it's so fun!!!!
ohh my god I just love not being okay!!! it's so fun especially when you get to the point where you know everyone around you loves you and cares about you and they think you're okay and you're better it's so awesome. I love knowing I'll probably crash and cry and do other stuff I probably shouldn't and then text my boyfriend (whose sleeping) and say sorry and he won't know what I'm sorry for!!!
guys life update: i have two tumblr accs (poem acc: jsadumbpoet and whatever tf acc luellalue-cat)
i think my bf is planning to propose to me by 20 and I'm nervous what (he asked me what age I wanted to get married and I said "Well, I want a baby by 25, but I wanna get married first!!" which is so cute bc my bsf is pretty sure her bf is proposing at 18 so :sob:
TW: Implied SA
uhhm i can't rlly think of a whole lot more but I've been so much happier these past few months, esp since april. fucking my last relationship sucked so much it wasn't even funny, it had it's good moments but it's js the fact that she was horrible at communicating, made everything about herself when i tried to bring up issues we were having, ignored my boundaries, and ignored when I said no (and it didn't just happen once🙃)
I have 0 idea if you'll see this, but I'm JUST now seeing this four years later. I'm going into 10th grade, and lowkey I don't know how y'all put up with younger me genuinely. Anyways, I dunno I just guess I felt like it needed a reply since I never gave one.
My plan isn't even done but I'm starting it and lowkey that all that matters atp
Get the basis down until I run out of plan, then make shit up and put it into the plan so when/if I get this thing published my publisher doesn't think I'm just another wasted talent and realize I've preplanned everything and its good and maybe it'll make money
My school/poetry club is a part of poet laureate and I joined it.
I'm doing "My fox, little pigeon" as my poem, I have to work on enunciating the t and x, mostly just t at the end of words but it's things I have to work on all the same. I also, through this, learned that I pronounce "Can" like "Ken" a bit and that's slightly bothering me, so I was repeating can over and over and it's really more of a "Caen" but it's whatever.
anyways very excited. despite the fact that I'm a bit nervous.
I wrote a poem about how its hard for me to reciprocate my love, although I try but I'm nearing a point where I'm not sure how much longer I can try before I burn out, so here it is.
Why don't you understand? - February 2026
Why don't you understand?
I'm not human, though I am man.
I walk this earth, I live this lifetime, but I'm not human.
Not in the way you wish for me to be.
Not in the way we need for me to be.
Why can't you understand?
I'm not human, though I am man.
If I have the drive for sex,
and the crave for affection,
why can't I deflect these inflections?
Why must I change my mind,
change how I'm wired,
to give reciprocations?
To be what you need of me.
Why should I not get to decide,
what I give and how I act?
Why does it have to work like that?
Catering to you, never to me.
Just so I can be what you need.
Why don't you understand?
I'm not human,
and I don't feel I am man.
I don't feel anything, though I have hands.
How can I make you understand,
that I'll miss what you need,
and it's not just about me?
Should I print you out research papers?
Tests done on people with my behaviors.
They didn't go through that for their struggles to be wasted. For people like you to ignore what's so obviously there.
If I can't help you understand, that I'm not human, but I am man.
Then I'm done with what's here.
I'll stay out of your hair.
Its a poem that's heavily in draft right now, but its mainly about how for the most crucial parts of my life and learning how to do specific things it was up to me and the internet to raise myself and teach myself things, because nobody was there to do it for me. Not only was I not shown but love from my parents during this time, whom I looked up to completely, (This started a bit before my dad left, around when I was 6 and lasted until I was 12. My mom stepped back in then, but my dad never tried. Not to mention the other stuff with him.) I have autism, and I'm a chronic overthinker, so when someone says something sweet to me or vents or talks about something they like or tries to hint I entirely miss the hint or repeat something they just said in a stupid voice or just say "oh" or "yeah" or nothing because I don't know what to say because what if I say the wrong thing? so I tried to compose it into a poem but I think it just sucks so.
Do you ever get so bored you put your phone down only to pick it back up a few minutes later because when you're bored the first thing you do is pick up your phone and then you realize "Hm. Thats not good. Lets fix that." but everytime I try and fix it this is the exact chain of events that ends up happening: I put my phone down and start something else. I cant focus on said something else so I grab my phone to turn on netflix or youtube. I open Instagram/Pinterest/Youtube shorts on instinct and get sucked in whatever I was previously doing gets forgotten about and now I have a mess in my bed to clean before I go to sleep and I'm still stuck in a loop of picking my phone up when I'm bored.
