My plan isn't even done but I'm starting it and lowkey that all that matters atp
Get the basis down until I run out of plan, then make shit up and put it into the plan so when/if I get this thing published my publisher doesn't think I'm just another wasted talent and realize I've preplanned everything and its good and maybe it'll make money
My school/poetry club is a part of poet laureate and I joined it.
I'm doing "My fox, little pigeon" as my poem, I have to work on enunciating the t and x, mostly just t at the end of words but it's things I have to work on all the same. I also, through this, learned that I pronounce "Can" like "Ken" a bit and that's slightly bothering me, so I was repeating can over and over and it's really more of a "Caen" but it's whatever.
anyways very excited. despite the fact that I'm a bit nervous.
I wrote a poem about how its hard for me to reciprocate my love, although I try but I'm nearing a point where I'm not sure how much longer I can try before I burn out, so here it is.
Why don't you understand? - February 2026
Why don't you understand?
I'm not human, though I am man.
I walk this earth, I live this lifetime, but I'm not human.
Not in the way you wish for me to be.
Not in the way we need for me to be.
Why can't you understand?
I'm not human, though I am man.
If I have the drive for sex,
and the crave for affection,
why can't I deflect these inflections?
Why must I change my mind,
change how I'm wired,
to give reciprocations?
To be what you need of me.
Why should I not get to decide,
what I give and how I act?
Why does it have to work like that?
Catering to you, never to me.
Just so I can be what you need.
Why don't you understand?
I'm not human,
and I don't feel I am man.
I don't feel anything, though I have hands.
How can I make you understand,
that I'll miss what you need,
and it's not just about me?
Should I print you out research papers?
Tests done on people with my behaviors.
They didn't go through that for their struggles to be wasted. For people like you to ignore what's so obviously there.
If I can't help you understand, that I'm not human, but I am man.
Then I'm done with what's here.
I'll stay out of your hair.
Its a poem that's heavily in draft right now, but its mainly about how for the most crucial parts of my life and learning how to do specific things it was up to me and the internet to raise myself and teach myself things, because nobody was there to do it for me. Not only was I not shown but love from my parents during this time, whom I looked up to completely, (This started a bit before my dad left, around when I was 6 and lasted until I was 12. My mom stepped back in then, but my dad never tried. Not to mention the other stuff with him.) I have autism, and I'm a chronic overthinker, so when someone says something sweet to me or vents or talks about something they like or tries to hint I entirely miss the hint or repeat something they just said in a stupid voice or just say "oh" or "yeah" or nothing because I don't know what to say because what if I say the wrong thing? so I tried to compose it into a poem but I think it just sucks so.
Do you ever get so bored you put your phone down only to pick it back up a few minutes later because when you're bored the first thing you do is pick up your phone and then you realize "Hm. Thats not good. Lets fix that." but everytime I try and fix it this is the exact chain of events that ends up happening: I put my phone down and start something else. I cant focus on said something else so I grab my phone to turn on netflix or youtube. I open Instagram/Pinterest/Youtube shorts on instinct and get sucked in whatever I was previously doing gets forgotten about and now I have a mess in my bed to clean before I go to sleep and I'm still stuck in a loop of picking my phone up when I'm bored.
I'm afraid if I say what it is I'll jinx myself and go to point of hard return
uhhh I didn't eat at all yesterday, day before I ate once and it wasnt that much.
today doesn't feel like a good day either, but I don't know if I can really do that?
I dunno. Maybe its just cause ik Christmas is coming up and I don't wanna not eat at Christmas so I'm like preparing?? idfk
but its not that I don't want to eat, its that I physically can't.
And I want so badly to be able to talk about it but I can't because nobody can understand that I can't eat, that my body will reject it, that it will make it worse than it is now and I can't just force it.
Its like my stomach is sending signals to my brain and its just laughing and saying no thank you.
also I uhh wrote some letters for J on Aletheia Library on Roblox and I think I'm gonna continue to put more
she did uhh read them..
and she's still here sooooooooo..
and then I woke up to text messages..
I might have had to be resucitated istg
I'm going to her house tmrw I'm nervous but also like idk
also she's allergic to cats so I have to lint roll myself even though I washed what I was gonna wear TWICE all the way down to my socks which is insane and I put them away from the cats too but just as a precaution ig
my stepdad had to have me install and entire app on my computer bc my audio/mic wasnt working and I couldn't fix it and he had to uninstall and reinstall smth this started at 8:31
unfortunately i have a crush on this kid in my class uhm we're like best friends now she isnt really friends with a whole lot of people but yeah
what makes this unfortunate is that I have a boyfriend, who I had a VERY long situationship with until about a month ago but we're drifting apart and he keeps getting his phone taken and stuff
so I went and spent it somewhere else and now im calling amazon to try and fix this problem bc I need a billing statement but I dont have one because its a GIFT CARD.
