I wrote a poem about how its hard for me to reciprocate my love, although I try but I'm nearing a point where I'm not sure how much longer I can try before I burn out, so here it is.
Why don't you understand? - February 2026
Why don't you understand?
I'm not human, though I am man.
I walk this earth, I live this lifetime, but I'm not human.
Not in the way you wish for me to be.
Not in the way we need for me to be.
Why can't you understand?
I'm not human, though I am man.
If I have the drive for sex,
and the crave for affection,
why can't I deflect these inflections?
Why must I change my mind,
change how I'm wired,
to give reciprocations?
To be what you need of me.
Why should I not get to decide,
what I give and how I act?
Why does it have to work like that?
Catering to you, never to me.
Just so I can be what you need.
Why don't you understand?
I'm not human,
and I don't feel I am man.
I don't feel anything, though I have hands.
How can I make you understand,
that I'll miss what you need,
and it's not just about me?
Should I print you out research papers?
Tests done on people with my behaviors.
They didn't go through that for their struggles to be wasted.
For people like you to ignore what's so obviously there.
If I can't help you understand,
that I'm not human,
but I am man.
Then I'm done with what's here.
I'll stay out of your hair.
Its a poem that's heavily in draft right now, but its mainly about how for the most crucial parts of my life and learning how to do specific things it was up to me and the internet to raise myself and teach myself things, because nobody was there to do it for me.
Not only was I not shown but love from my parents during this time, whom I looked up to completely, (This started a bit before my dad left, around when I was 6 and lasted until I was 12. My mom stepped back in then, but my dad never tried. Not to mention the other stuff with him.) I have autism, and I'm a chronic overthinker, so when someone says something sweet to me or vents or talks about something they like or tries to hint I entirely miss the hint or repeat something they just said in a stupid voice or just say "oh" or "yeah" or nothing because I don't know what to say because what if I say the wrong thing? so I tried to compose it into a poem but I think it just sucks so.