Hmm… It gets good toward the current end, but everything before the final scene when they hang out in her room (which was great!) has sadly a lot of issue with the way the dialog is written. In particular the opening scene on the first day was so bad I was really really close to putting it down altogether – and that just feels so unnecessary. I understand of course that this was made in a crunch during a Game Jam and that improvements will be made if you decide to continue it. I honestly hope for it.
Some observations I collected:
- The infodump on their family backgrounds and childhoods in the opening scene isn’t very interesting and doesn’t seem to add anything to the story. (As @kanity mentioned, if it turns out to be needed it’d be better to just reveal it at that time so that it adds to the story then, rather than making it boring right when getting started.)
- The Chikara in the opening scene doesn’t feel much like the person that is described in the intro or that she seems like later on. With the way she is later on we get a nice trio of friends, with the way she’s in the intro… It feels like she’s taking turns being Hannah or Yvonne I think.
- The way Hannah goes into arguing in the confrontational scene with “Mr. P” it’s like she was a right-wing activist… It’s later revealed where she got those lines from but it felt really off reading through. She just says those things with so much conviction it’s hard to believe that this is the first time she’s arguing about this. I’m honestly not so sure about this anymore now that I read the later reveal, but without rereading it again… It’s like she had those exact lines at the ready for just this moment. She doesn’t stumble when she says those things, argue in circles or contradict herself. It’s just perfectly delivered anti-gay propaganda in an argument that seems like it should have caught her off guard. Gives it a certain hard edge that she obviously (later story) doesn’t have.
- Also in that same scene for the professor, it feels like he wouldn’t just say it like that (even if he was sure) after being so considerate in previous responses before – more likely he would attempt to coat it up in that same considerate tone he used before. (Hannah could then impulsively call him out on it and they’d end up in the same place without changing anything story-wise.)
- Cat is good. Nice details on adding the cat supplies to the room too!
- Her friends and their dynamic together are also really cool towards the end!
- The scene with Laura too… Been subjected to a lesser form of that at some point… Uff…