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Ive had suicidal thoughts for awile now to, crying myself to sleep thinking about where ill end up, never really believed in god, but we all end up somewhere, whether it be a good job, or all over a sidewalk next to a building. But i have things in my life to keep me here, a caring bf and a stable family and life. Well im shaking because this is a sensitive topic for me and 1 of the 3 things that make me cry emotionally, so i hope your life gets better, and you dont end up like me, someone who wants to die, but is to scared to slide the knife.

I know it can be painful to live because we may be anchored by external forces. I used to think that the love people gave me is something bad and that they should stop giving me so much love so I can finally get rid of myself. 

Honestly, I still suffer from suicidal ideation and it takes me awhile before I can get back up.

But right now, I think I was wrong for convicting the love that people gave me. It's something they so openly gave and yet I kept thinking that it was nothing but a hindrance to my permanent rest and bliss. I still do want some rest but I think I've learned that I don't need to be gone so soon.

There's still a lot of things I want to learn, so many things I want to try to do once I'm better, so many stories I want to know, and so many things I want to create. These things I lose sight of when I'm back in that really dark abyss of self-loathing but time and time again the bonds that I have helped me remember. These bonds aren't exclusive to family and friends as well. There's much media I've consumed that helped on keeping me alive. I'm hoping that the stuff I make is something that can do that as well.

When you're having a hard time, I hope you give yourself more time to appreciate how far you've come and the people you cherish. I hope that you're able to find inner peace or at least find enough love and determination to keep going forward.