We (Aya, Zero) played a good amount of this on call. Very impressive job pulling this all together in a month as a solo dev! This is Aya speaking and I want to leave a few notes, writer to writer. You clearly care a lot abt writing and I admire that, which is why I want to leave my notes in the first place. You definitely prefer writing prose to dialogue (I'm the exact opposite) and I think that's a really good skill to have.
There are a few issues though
- Repetition is something you have to be very careful with. The in medias res opening being repeated basically unchanged is a serious issue with this version of the script. You should value the audience's time above all else, and if you are going to repeat a line, it has to have impact.
- Again, I understand that there wasn't enough time for revision, but the most fundamental rule of writing is that "less is more." Every single line, no matter how small, should be important to the narrative.
- Semicolons are fun! I think you had a little too much fun with them.
Please do not take my comment as insulting or demotivating. We all have areas to improve upon (prose is my weakest aspect) and I really appreciated your kind words in regards to our game!! I just want to be honest with someone who's as passionate about writing as I am. Looking forward to your future projects, thank you~