Big fan of impreg (and pregnancy! They are different stages that occasionally get separated, so some games only have one or the other. I'd like to see both!) here, so you already had my attention from the concept.
Alright, I can see where it's going. I wouldn't kill the wimpiness, but dial it back a bit more. It was... annoying to "hear" him complain all the time. At the least I hope his confidence improves and he's not another one-note semi-limp dick-haver who's just there to get used and get off. Of course, it's the beginning of the story, so I'm not really ragging on the character too much until I can see more of it, I'm just a bit tired of the character trope. He can still be nice - I like that trait, defo not a sadist here - but it always comes with a basically-in-tatters sense of worth.
Saw a similar comment down below that I agree on a part with: the impreg x-ray is a heavy must have; the moment of conception is very hot!
Now, depending on whether it's a pure visual novel or one of those sandbox games: being able to improve your virility would be nice. Seems like a setting where you climb the ranks, improving your worth and all that jazz, so it seems interesting!
And hey, if the story's good that's like a HUGE plus for me to come back several times rather than whack it and sack it, moving on. So take care and develop your world with respect, not that I doubt you're able to do so.
(This one's more personal, but if we can make the netori part optional? I see that's a possibility from Madison's character description and I'm not much of a fan of stepping through someone else's relationship unless they were an absolute dick and their partner deserved someone better. And hey, ain't saying it's me, but it's also not hard to be better than a douchebag.)
Currently, I see this version completely as a pure concept - this demo section defo needs to be fleshed out more in order to feel more compelling. I can read super fast, but I still went through it like lightning! The story hits all the notes, but it doesn't really stand and develop them that much until you get to the first lay - which pretty much was just focused on physical attributes. I can't give strong advice in that regard, I'm no writer, and with stuff like this it's more challenging than going "dick go in there, women swoon, guy fulfilled."
But yeah, that part comes with the "this is a concept" remark, so feel free to not think about that section.
Overall, very promising idea! Looking forward to it and your team's progress!
"I know this is a restaurant, but you're such a glutton for eating the food and critiquing it like the chef asked. Work on that."
That's you. That's what you sound like.
(I really wasn't even that raunchy with it, the majority of what was written was general story critique. I bet you didn't read it and assumed it was lustful because I wrote a lot, huh? Shame on you, learn to read lol.)
bro, scroll up. I also wrote a lot. "I know this is a porn game comment section," was a comment that has nothing to do with the porn game and everything to do with its probably fairly weirder audience. Im saying its not that surprising to get some quadruple-chin individuals here because of where, "here," is. You sound like a discord mod! No, this isn't like eating food at a resturant, the dev wasnt asking about your damn inpreg kink, they were asking for advice! (Also, sidenote, who the says, "first lay?" Very, "mallady," coded.) You can be a lil raunchy, this would be the spot to do it, but you shouldnt just be like, "I hate wimp protags, so thats a no go, good story's always a plus, but lets talk about the impreg x-ray real quick... I necessitate that you have it. I dont negotiate with game devs, they always give into... the alpha." And let me just say im not gonna argue with you back n forth til you feel like you're right, this is how you came off to me in that momment, and it felt icky. Thats all.
Well that ain't fair, "I hate wimp protags" - I never said it shouldn't be allowed, just that it's a very cliche character arc and I hope it isn't flat, at the least lower the "wimpiness" a bit, y'know? What I did say is that I " hope his confidence improves and he's not another one-note semi-limp dick-haver who's just there to get used and get off. " Is this not a fair critique?
And what's wrong with "first lay"? I genuinely didn't know what else to write that didn't just say "sex scene" or "scene where they fuck". MB for trying to play around with my words.
And I said nothing along the lines of "I necessitate that you have it. I dont negotiate with game devs, they always give into... the alpha." "The alpha" is a gross character-type, and unless I'm reading a brain-out "MC gets ALL the ladies and has ALL the powers" story, it's just boring. And if you think of ME that way... I mean, I don't know what do say, I tried to be as nice as possible without demanding anything. If you meant the "must have", that's 100% just recommendation lingo - not "this must be in the game or else it will be DOGWATER!1!!1", if they don't have it they don't have it, I'm not gonna berate a story for some small addition like that not being included.
You're putting words in my mouth because "my vibe is off." At the very least you can help me rephrase and reorganize stuff instead of some disrespectful stuff like "work on it; you sound like a discord mod; yadda yadda" Only reason I even mentioned "Big fan of impreg (and pregnancy!" is because, quite literally, the equivalent of "Big fan of hot dogs (and bratwurst!" at a hot dog stand. A bit corny, but not an out of place comment at all - it's an impreg-central game, and I like impreg. Simple.
I like reading and I tried my best to give the best feedback I could because I'd like to see stories like this do well, and if you can ask, inquire, or suggest stuff in its early ages, now is the time to do so. They don't have to listen to me at all, I'm another drop of water in the ocean. I don't have to have my way, nor what I says matters, but this is a comment section where they asked for feedback and what you'd like to see. Now I'll sound like I'm whining, I know, but honestly out of all the spaces to be a cornball, is this not one of them?
TL;DR:
I'm not even trying to be right because there's nothing to be right about. But come on, man. I just like to read and they asked for feedback; I'm just bad at writing it properly. How about dropping some actual advice or good read or two, spicy or not, that I could enjoy instead, rather than insulting me?