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GloriousView20 hours ago (1 edit) (+1)

I liked your story.

Your worldbuilding is pretty cool. It reminded me of the anime "Frieren" at first, from its style & thematics. The best thing to me was your interpretation of magic. That basically every dream of someone is caused by magic.. or a perception of magic. This was also a good introduction to the sorcerer.

I think you can trust your audience a little more to connect the pieces. After that "Crub still thought about the question of the sorcerer", you take too much time (for my taste) to tell the reader "on-the-nose" that there is a sorcerer. You are obviously very talented in inventing fantastic & magical stuff. The images in this story are truly innovative. But for a short story, you take a little too much pride & time in describing your stuff. The description of only the sorcerers physical appearance (which IS awesome) took around a quarter of the whole story.

I liked the idea of the Giant's Pines, but the timing to introduce them couldn't have been worse: the hero just presented his problem of insecurity. The tension was growing. And then you introduced those Pines, which stabilize the whole world & give a feeling of security & orientation.

So: worldbuilding, magic & creativeness are your definite strengths. The story tells about inner conflict & bravery. Even teaches a little lesson, which is great. Please keep those skills. Get your understanding of atmosphere right, so you can build it up instead of breaking it. Restrict your pride a little (hard for me too). Then I can see unimaginable fantasy-stories come out of your fingers.

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ReForming8 hours ago

Thank you very much for the detailed comment! This was my first story and your feedback helps a lot. When adding the Pines in that moment, I was trying to give the character some "grounding"; otherwise, I would have felt like Crub agreeing to become a hero would be somewhat unjustified within the story, since up to that point I had only focused on showcasing that it was chaotic and dangerous, but now that I read it again it does feel out of place... 

I will definitely work on restricting the pride; I personally really like long descriptions of stuff, but I definitely need to work on integrating actual story into it.

Again, thank you for the detailed reply!!!

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GloriousView3 hours ago (2 edits)

You told a story about bravery. So think about 1-2 sentences how YOU think about bravery. That creates your theme. It shows you which feelings & thoughts you want to provoke. And when to reward characters for doing "the right" or punish them for being not brave.

For me: "bravery means doing the things, even if you are a bit afraid & even if the world is chaotic. Sometimes you have to be strong enough even if you dont feel like you are."

So I would want to show a world that is secure, but can be dangerous at times. A hero would seek this danger to protect others (an idea you forged perfectly into that compass)

Therefore, if this was my story... let's see..

I would 1000% keep that compass-scene where it is. The compass is such a cool idea & magic-item. It fits the hero-story perfectly. It also rewards Crub for his bravery. In my opinion, this is the best scene.

I would keep that dream-scene as a starting-point. Because it's an awesome philosophical view on dreams, integrates your magic-system into the readers world (which is an absolutely crazy & unique move if you think about it) & it foreshadows perfectly to the reader what kind of story this is. Fantasy, philosphy & your general style. If a reader wouldn't like it, he can decide to close the book after the first sentences or is hooked (like I was) which is fair.

So I guess, I would then introduce the Pines. Maybe while zooming around the world & before a hard Cut to Crub, I also would show small scenes of danger or creepy things in the world, like "The Pines could be seen from everywhere, from A and B and even from the lost villages, where life had been replaced with unimaginable horrors" (or something like that) and from D.

I would then introduce an emotional break: the Pines give security, but Crub feels very insecure, this gives the reader an "ok why?"- moment. I'd then answer this question by introducing the question or the sorcerer.

Maybe mislead the reader a little (into thinking the sorcerer is a kind of threat) or just be clear & introduce Crubs problem here.

I don't know Crub... I got the feeling he IS insecure. He said it & the sorcerer said it.

So maybe before his final decision (in chaos) I would re-invoke a feeling of security with one sentence "He looked at the Pines". This is short, but reminds the reader of that point in stability. Then Crub makes the decision, still in chaos, but with a little stabilization. This is bravery in my opinion: not secure, but also not against all odds (which would be stupidity).

Shortly: if it was my story, I would move that whole Pines-Part under the dream-part & shorten the description of the sorcerer.

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