This vn is very interesting, I really do love Zehir lol, the switchup was crazy! I've already seen some others touch on this, so I won't say too much, and I understand that Zehir is just someone that goes with what he is feeling at that moment, and I know this is rushed, but now that you have time to work on it and develop it I really feel like you should slow it down just a little bit. For example, have Zehir and MC both slowly realise that what they are doing is wrong, or atleast give MC options to do so, and have Zehir have moments of slight realisation before going back to what he is doing or have him doubt himself, something like that to smooth it out a little rather than having a massive jump lol! Again, now that you have more time to work on this, I would love to see more options for MC, especially regarding personality. I know you had limited time to work on this, so I mean no hate, but now that you do have time it would be great to see options to ask Zehir questions at certain times, or to have choices to do certain things, choices to go to different places that could give different outcomes etc. I did feel like the kiss scene was wayy too rushed and it would have been nice to have an option to like push him away and get angry there! Again, after you have time to work on it obviously lol. But in my personal opinion(just my opinion!) I do feel that in the full game the kiss scene should not come so early(or have the option to push him away), I feel as if it would be better to have it later on after we have developed a bit more of a relationship with him. I have seen someone complain about the MC not being customizable, but honestly, that's no issue. Whilst I do prefer VNs where you can customize MC, this is your VN and you should get to choose how MC looks if you would so desire. I mean it would be amazing if there was MC customization, I would love that!! But again, it is your VN so do what you want.:) And lastly, I feel like the writing was extremely lacking in some of the parts. Zehir's dialogue was mostly amazing, and the VA did an amazing job! I'm more so talking about the descriptive parts, like when it's describing what is happening. Forgive me if I sound rude, but it really did remind me of how I used to write when I was 10 lol. Our partner(forgot his name) was really annoying and his dialogue did a pretty good job at portraying his character, MC was a bit lackluster- something I would hope would be fixed in the full game with more choice options for different personalities. The descriptive bits as I mentioned earlier did especially bug me off however, because it did sort of ruin the immersion. I thought of some things you could say instead, that in my opinion improve the wording a whole lot. And if you would like, I could write them for you down below, and you could use them in the full game if you so wish, because really, I'm only typing this whole thing because I do really like this VN and see it's potential to be something even greater! I really hope I did not come off as rude because that is not my intention, I genuinely want to see this VN succeed and honestly, would be so open in helping you if you wish. I hope you did gain some insight from this whole paragraph lol, and please do reply if you wish me to rewrite some of the descriptive bits, because I am so down to do so or help in any other way. I am an artist and a writer, so I can help if you want me to. Well either way, goodluck on developing this, and I hope anyone reading this has a great day!:3
Hey there, Izzy. Thank you for your comment. About the lack of environment/background descriptions, English is not my first language so these childish, poorly written descriptions already took a lot from me. I try to read books and newspapers but those descriptions don't come naturally to me. No wonder it seems like how a 10 years old would write. That's why I focused so much on Zehir's lines. He is the star of the show. I needed to compensate the lack of environment descriptions with character dialogue. I actually would love a native speaker to handle the descriptions I can't write for the life of me for me. As long as your writing doesn't contradict the characters' psychology and behavior(Like for example, you wouldn't be able to refuse Zehir. If you did that, he'd kill you right then and there for "leading him on" and then himself. He's the kind of yandere that throws a tantrum if he doesn't get what he wants from his LI. If that doesn't work, he gets pissed and kills them. He has that in common with the other yandere from another game I created, Louhi. I guess we're just too used to yandere men who would never hurt their LI. Mine are violent. Zehir is also totally the type to speedrun a relationship and ask for marriage after a few days so that sudden kiss wasn't completely out of character.), I'd absolutely love some help, if you're still interested in the kind of yandere Zehir is, ofc. I do think I should give much more options and improve the other characters' dialogue. I guess you already read in the comments that this was rushed. But the project wasn't just lacking due to lack of time, it was because of lack of BUDGET too. I wanted to create something that looks beautiful so I commissioned talented artists to do the job and that was very expensive for me, especially the backgrounds. That's why the players won't get more than a few locations as I can only commission a few backgrounds so I have to be very selective with it. Later I even realized that there are some Zehir's facial expressions that are missing but I decided to deal with it and improvise. Btw, are you an artist? Can I see your work? If you're reading this and you're still interested, I'd love your help.
Overall thank you for your constructive criticism 🙏🏻
damn that's actually quite a unique concept for a yandere, makes them a whole lot scarier lol! I now understand his character more o.o and I didn't know you weren't native, my apologies! Well actually I'm not either, czech is my first language but I learnt english very early on, so i may aswell be a native speaker lol. The only reason I said that it sounds like a 10 year old wrote it is bc i wrote a pokemon story when i was 10 and the dialogue reminded me of how I wrote the pokemon battles lol! I meant no hate T_T
And honestly, the dialogue is overall very good, our partner's dialogue did a great job of making me hate him lol, and Zehir's dialogue aand VA is honestly incredible!! As for those descriptive bits, I will absolutely rewrite them- i dont have much time today, but ill make sure to add them in the next few days, I'll just reply to this comment with the original line and then with the rewritten version next to it- you can use them in the game or edit them however you like after that!! :D
And I can also say places where I think it would be cool to have choices, if you want, I can also include that in the next comment.:) and if there's any future characters you need help writing/designing, I'm absolutely open to it!! character design and writing is my speciality;D Honestly, I would help with backgrounds, but I fear I'm a beginner at backgrounds, I have just now started incorporating backgrounds into my works lol, but honestly the art in this game is incredible and does not need anything done to it at all. The only two bits where I found something is in the kiss scene, it describes him as kissing MC hungrily and ferociously, but in the cg it looked like a little peck LOL, and in his sprite when he has this mouth closed his teeth sort of look like tiny doritos sticking out of his mouth, but honestly, i only realised bc i am very observant and nitpicky, and i criticise almost every single media i consume, I just love being a critic, and i guess i have a natural eye for it, i also observe and critique things a lot so i know what to do and what not to do in my own works, so a normal person absolutely would not ven notice these details, and they are insignificant anyways, and absolutely do not need changing if you don't wish to do so, again im just very observant and nitpicky about basically everything lol. But if u do ever need help with anything art related, even though our styles are very different, as i said i do have experience working with other styles and help my freinds with their drawings a lot, so im very good at editing drawings to make them look better or even at mimicking art styles:)
As for my art, I'll show some of my most recent works (most of them are still works in progress) and unfortunately, these are some of my more boring character designs T_T i have like a trillion ocs and most of them have cooler character designs than these, most of them are my huamn camp ocs with some random other ones sprinkled in there, and the jster and wolf one is fanart qwq I just haven't had a lot of time to work on them because school and life stuff is really taking up my time:') our art styles are very different but I have a lot of self insert ocs for media that i like, and i sometimes do screencaps with my oc in it, so im pretty good at replicating artstyles if you ever need help with any of your art, but it honestly doesn't need it as far as i've seen, but i'm always open.<3 anyways ill just show my art since you asked but it's very different to your style so idek why im showing it but honestly ill get any chance to show people my stuff LOL, u dont even need to reply 2 this bit if u dont want to <33 but if u do then some of them r older and some r newer, so if the heads look too big on some of them or some anatomy looks off, its probably one of my older works, i was struggling with finding my style for a while, but ive just recently sort of settled down, so the newer ones definitely look more improved in my opinion:) itch is very weird with attaching photos, so i added some in a collage and added the ones i could again with higher resolution lol( also the image of the bedroom under this is my mha ocs room/my dream room, and basically the closest thing ive ever gotten to drawing an actual background:3)
