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(+2)

It seems like a very decent start of something? I have a lot of notes and feedback, but obviously you have a vision for this project. The most positive thing is that Miel's interactions are very enjoyable. Almost to the point I think the other characters will struggle to compete with her. But we shall see. The most negative thing I can say is a lot of the worldbuilding of the human-anthro conflict is sparse, and paints a very confusing picture if one tries to imagine how it all works, especially with the fact revealed later that anthros are basically magical-based creatures? I go over this more in my notes. Pacing is also kind of all over the place, but this isn't exactly the most rare of issues with itch VN's. though it does improve once Miel is introduced. I get you want to leave the MC blank, but it doesn't hurt to at least spend another 100 or so words to explain what's going on with him.

Alright, I'll start my feedback/observations now, based off my notes I took while playing.

1. intro and the entire conflict

Ugh, another "humans are the bad guys/instigators" trope is what I thought during the intro news report. Though I held my tongue and assumed more would be revealed later on. However I ended up having much more questions than answers by the end.

So, the anthro protesters in the beginning want equal rights with humans? Okay, so that kind of implies that anthros and humans have some kind of interactions already, though negative ones. The thing is, almost every character in the game has never seen a human before, so this implies that their societies are not integrated at all, if no one sees one another. But, at the same time, the school has a hybrid attending it?

The whole magic thing adds another confusing element. Is magic exclusive to anthros? The MC seems surprised by it, so I assume so. Why are magical beings incapable of gaining equal rights?l Do humans possess advanced technology that negates magic? The "advanced tech lab" seems to imply that it's not the case, unless the tech lab is anthros attempting to understand human technology, because it confuses them.

The MC involvement really needed a lot more fleshing out IMO. He's simply picked because he's picked. More options to say "I'm glad i Was picked, I am indifferent to being picked, I hate being picked."

This is my main problem with the pacing that I listed earlier.

I expected the Principal scene to fill in a lot of the world details but it was literally just "okay you're here, don't fuck this up"

2. *actions* and certain dialogue 

I notice that *these* were showing up quite often. I am perfectly fine with this, but IMO a normal description of a bell going off is infinitely more fun to read compared to "ringbell goes off* (which by the way, is on the verge of being grammatical incorrect.) or *call incoming*

The tiger girl said <3. Personal opinion, but emotes and didalogue do not mix in a VN IMO.

..Even should be ...Even This popped up a lot. using 2 dots for ellipses instead of 3. 

"Better start heading inside I guess"

Why did the CG show the MC inside the school already when this was said?

"you don't have a fur" should probably be "you don't have fur," OR make it "You don't have fur, wings, a tail, nothing..."

"I knew someone from your species were coming, but I didn't expect it" Should it be 'was coming'?

There really needed to be a double take "what kind of person starts a conversation like that? I just sat down!" option when Red Panda girl (Skye? Sorry, terrible with names) says "wanna mate?" when you first meet her.

"Outcast" during Miel and Oliver's scene was a weird word choice, given the MC hasn't done anything for people to think of him as an outcast (unless the their was a rumour started that the MC was rejected from human schools or something?)

I thought this scene was a good example of how to give the player a ton of options to choose what happens. It also had a lot of good character moments. You should use this as a template going forward for anything dramatic IMO.

*Bruh* Okay that made me laugh but I feel like the MC going "wha-" would be more fitting.

'toghether' instead of 'together' in the "let's do it" choice.


This isn't related to dialogue or actions, but please add buttons to this or future NSFW scenes so we don't need to click 10 times to advance the scene. (Slow/increase pace, and continue)

3. Final thoughts

This VN does do that thing where you optionally fuck someone on your first day,, which I always think is a little fast, but I thought it was fitting for Skye's character to do that (I kind of expected her to be one of those "all talk, no actual experience" girls, though.)

(1 edit) (+3)

First of all, thank you very much for taking the time to write such detailed feedback! We really appreciate it. English isn’t our first language, so some of the issues you pointed out (phrasing, grammar, pacing in dialogue) are especially useful for us to improve!

To address your points:

  1. Worldbuilding and Intro Conflict

    • Most of the lore and worldbuilding (human/anthro conflict, segregation, magic, etc.) is planned to come out in later chapters. We didn’t want the first chapter to be just a long info dump of how things work, so instead we chose to ease the reader into it with more “day-to-day” interactions and more natural description later.

    • Why the MC is considered an outcast will become clearer in the story, it’s tied to something that happened and seemed small in this chapter but will develop into something much bigger!

    • The school’s structure, dorms, and why everything is contained inside the academy is a crucial point in why the student stated that they "never saw a human" The segregation caused by the conflict will play a central role later and it will explain more why the mc is the first human they see. For magic, how it works, why it works the way it does, and why it causes tension/why human didn't use it will also get much more depth in upcoming chapters.

  2. Characters & Interactions

    • Every girl in the school (and in the game overall) will have her own background, story, and personal conflicts for the MC to get involved in, Miel’s family issues being just one example.

    • The snake character is indeed the hybrid, (we didn't want to spoil it like this, but it seems it caught your attention).

    • The MC being “randomly” chosen is intentional for now, we can't say much more for now sorry :c

  3. Pacing & Style

    • We know the pacing is a bit fast at the start, and your suggestion about giving the MC more dialogue options (his feelings about being chosen, etc.) is something we’ll definitely consider! We didn't want the reader to be too pushed on an approach to something rather than another so we took the decision to make it more "neutral

    • Your point about the NSFW scenes (adding buttons to control pacing) is noted and will definitely be improved in future builds!

Again, thank you for taking the time to try out our game! your notes help us see what’s working well (like Miel’s interactions!) and what needs more refinement. We have a lot of worldbuilding and story to roll out in the next chapters, and we want to deliver it in a way that feels natural rather than overwhelming

Oh, that's really good to hear! I do get that this is more or less just a demo right now and yeah, having to read a lot about the world right away could easily turn people off. I'll just have to wait and see how it all plays out over time. Oh, and sorry about kinda spoiling the hybrid thing, but I was honestly just guessing because I saw people wondering why her face looked like that, and once I actually played it and got the hybrid clue I was like "Oh, is it her?"