Play book
Aithne's Deal's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Flow & Clarity | #34 | 2.630 | 2.706 |
| Adherence to the Theme | #37 | 2.229 | 2.294 |
| Concept & Originality | #37 | 2.801 | 2.882 |
| Overall | #37 | 2.553 | 2.627 |
Ranked from 17 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
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Comments
I'm glad you've submitted another story to the OPR jam! I hope this has and will continue to be a good experience for you.
I liked the twist ending - you did an excellent job misdirecting the reader as to what's coming, and as a result the real twist lands with a very tangible impact; well done. There's some ambiguity over timing in the setup - Aithne wakes up 'the next morning' and finds a note from Lexer that's been written 'days ago'; maybe something that didn't get caught in an editorial change?
It took me some time to learn this as a new writer, but when you tag dialogue, you don't need anything other than 'said'. 'Proclaimed', 'begged', even 'asked' are all obvious from what the character is saying. Eliminating anything but 'said' makes your tags "invisible" and helps the dialogue flow more smoothly.
Overall this was a nicely ominous piece with a clever twist, and I hope to read more entertainingly dark stories from you in the future!
A wonderful story! You've created a world that I'd love to learn more about, for example - what is the purpose of the forbidden book, and why do Aithne's parents have it? Additionally, the use of both improvised weapons (the chair and walking stick) and the antagonist's use of words as a weapon fit the theme well.
I could follow the flow of the story, though there were a few sections where the formatting was jumbled, especially around dialogue. Given that this had to all fit on the page, I can understand the challenge.
A few ideas to improve should you revisit this story. With only 1,000 words, you have to choose your scenes carefully. While everything you wrote works, I also wonder if perhaps some sections could have been reduced to allow other points of the story to develop further.
Perhaps starting with Ainthe arriving at the butcher's shop and considering her situation (i.e. "Her parents and brother missing after a trip to the butcher's, Aithne clutched at the stolen page from her family's forbidden book. It was her only comfort as she entered the butcher's shop.") would allow for more space to develop the world around Ainthe and answer questions such as what the book is, provide more details on the setting, etc.
Please don't let me above recommendations detract you, this was still a wonderful read and look forward to more! Thank you for writing this for the jam!
I have shared your comments with my daughter and she greatly appreciates the input and suggestions on how to improve her writing and the story. This was great writing practice for her for school (task, deadline, constraints) so very much appreciate your taking the time to read and comment.
'why one should never make deals with devils...'
What a twist! great job!