Okay, I think I can safely say at this point that the material itself is working fairly decently (and I'm interested in this world, even), but... This isn't much fun in Play-By-Post?
It feels like work, since there's no banter over the choices being made, no tossing ideas around loosely; it's just a bit of a slog done this way. It would need a different framing for "How to run the game in PbP".
Rather than asking everyone to slog through, I'm thinking I should get myself a live test of the current stuff, then write up a streamlined PbP procedure, and come back fresh.