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Restless_Stylus

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A member registered 211 days ago

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To create a game with this much promise in just seven days is a feat to be proud of. However, as with everything else, further editing can always help. Take my previous comment, for instance. After rereading it, I realized that there were a few places I misspelled simple words that could have easily been avoided and corrected. In addition, had I dedicated more time to considering my words, I believe I could have refined half of what I said to a more acceptable length. With your story, now that you have the time to review and think about how you'd like to go about your planning, it's completely understandable how not everything would meet your satisfaction. But that is exactly the purpose of a first draft: get your idea down so that you know what you're working with before you can decide what has to be fixed. I'm not a game designer, but I do love writing and reading stories. That's why I believe I can say what I am with confidence.

In response to your final comment, I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. Just as it is unrealistic in life to have everything turn out the way you want it to, it's impossible for every story to have a happy conclusion without being forced. And with this ending, rather than a definitive happy/bad turnout, you've made it a little more vague. It's left up to the readers to decide exactly how this will affect Sam based on the thoughts they've drawn throughout the story, which is why you seem to have found yourself with a divided review over what happens after. These kinds of endings, though not always welcomed, are perfect for inspiring the reader to think. Personally, I do prefer a happy ending, but I'd rather the ending make sense more than anything else.

Since you say that you would like to expand on the story, I think I'm going to reread this one again to see if there's anything in particular I think might help. Let me know if there's anything in particular you'd like an opinion on.

That was pretty interesting. After playing the game, I understand now what some of the comments were referring to. I think it would be interesting to learn more about his life outside of the game, perhaps even see him take another job.

If there is one complaint I have, it's the three minute video you have to entice us to play. The script rolled by just a bit too fast to comfortably read, meaning that I had to pause the video multiple times just to know what was going on. And I was disappointed to see that it was basically a word-for-word match of the beginning part of the prologue. Considering the "post-prologue" of the game, I think I can understand why you did it, but it was still a little boring compared to what could have been done with it.

I feel awful... Choosing to let another man die gives me the "good end". I don't think that's right. I don't want those parents to suffer so much from one choice. If she were truly such a great daughter, then wouldn't it have been better for her to work towards repaying her parents for the hospital bill instead of letting them shoulder it all by themselves? Even if only a little each check, she should have been putting whatever funds she could have towards repaying her debt. Rather than deciding to get drunk on her own one night, she could have invested that money in a better place. It's impossible to escape being an adult, but that doesn't mean she had to choose such a destructive method of taking a break.

Sorry. Just venting a little. The story is well-written, but there are a couple of grammar issues you seemed to have. In particular, you had a tendency to say something "then" something when you should have used "than" instead. "Then" refers to time and a specific order of events, while "than" is the comparison between two things that you seemed to favor in your speaking. Additionally, though I recall only seeing it used once, "along" and "a long" have different meanings. I suspect that was more of an oversight with a space bar, however. I don't wish to go through every spelling error though, as that is not the point to my writing a review. I simply wished to bring to your attention that the script could benefit from another read-through, but otherwise seems to be in pretty good shape.

While I cannot personally relate to all of the protagonist's decisions and circumstances, I do think that you wrote a very meaningful story worth the read. Thank you for your time and the gem you have presented us with.

(Edited 1 time)

Rather than see the endings as "good", I think it might be better to refer to them as a "fresh start" instead. However, the experiences Sam endured at the school will probably haunt her forever, permanently affecting her behaviour in the future. In one ending, she is more likely to never trust another person again because of her friend's betrayal. In the other, she may cut herself off entirely from any reminder of the school, including from the people who were genuinly trying to help. Based on the details provided, it seems she already had. Either way, I doubt she will return to being a bully, but I also doubt she will properly move on from being a victim. She knows how awful people can be - how awful she herself has been, and will thus have an even harder time remembering that there is good in people as well.

On the other hand, I suppose I can understand the "good" impression people have found. Were Sam to remain at that school regardless, and the bullying problem had been "handled", she would still be attending a school in full knowedge of being hated with only one support (a previous victim, in fact) to rely upon. She'd never be receiving the opportunity to move on and become a truly better person. We don't know the reason why Sam became a bully. From Molly's perspective, it seems Sam hadn't always been that way. Molly believes that Sam can become better and has the capacity to change for a reason. Perhaps by distancing herself from the physical manifestation of her problems, Sam can finally begin to view her choices and situation more objectively in a means to eventually handle her burdens properly. Perhaps after some time away, she'll be able to change for the better and actually find some good friends to surround herself with.

To be honest, I'd really love to see how Sam's future turns out. I'd like for Molly and Sam to accidentally reunite and discuss this moment in time fully. Why Sam was mean to Molly, what she learned from the experience, whether she successfully managed to move on or not, how Sam views Molly now, and if the two can become proper friends now that the past is behind them are all questions that I'd be interested in learning the answer to. Of course, I wouldn't want them to reunite until after they've become adults, since I feel that anything sooner may just be too soon. On the other hand, once Molly has matured some, she may be able to provide Sam the proper help that she needs if Sam is still caught up in the past. As seemingly the only person who truly treated Sam with respect during that time, Molly might be the only person Sam feels capable of relying on to help her move on from that time.

In a sense, I guess that I'm saying more could be done to the story, speaking from a story's standpoint. However, it could dimish from the message you are clearly trying to convey, but I still think a sequel might be appropriate in this case depending upon how you go about it. You've shown us the power of words when brandished to hurt, but have yet to show us the potential of words when designed to heal and to help. Sure, we saw some of the possibilities  between Molly and Sam's interactions throughout the story, but we've yet to see how a single person can and does make a big difference. I think that pusuing Sam's story following this event, told from her perspective, could communicate this message strongly. Your point is that everything spoken has the strength to greatly affect another human's life. By exploring the after-effects on Sam's life, you could simply be proving the other side of your argument. Yes, humans have a nature of focussing more on the negative, but we cannot forget the impact of the positive. One comment from a complete stranger has the potential to make a person's entire day. I think it's important for everyone to know that and think that you are in a great position to spread that knowledge.

(And you thought your comment was long. Hope I don't intimidate you with this and that you realize these are merely my musings/suggestions and not demands. Just in case you weren't quite as finished with the story as you initially thought. At the very least, it can help you pass the time if you need it. Thank you for listening and replying to my first review. I hope you have yourself a wonderful day between our next interaction.)

It's an unusual concept to design a game on, but a decidedly necessary one none-the-less. I feel bad that there is no happy ending for Sam. The bullying doen't stop for her regardless of what we choose. She either learns it's her best friend behind it or Olivia. The students who ganged up on her suffer no consequence for their actions and no remorse for their awful behaviours. Honestly, I'm not quite certain which ending is worse.

Thank you for writing this. It must have been difficult, but I'm glad for the necessary message it portrays. Good luck with your future game building.

It was totally worth the multiple playthroughs to unlock all of the romantic endings. However, I do have one major issue to press. There is a difference between "your" and "you're". From the emails I unlocked, you seemed to have neglected to use "you're" in a couple of them where you should have. I only mention this because one of them belonged to Shiro, who is characterized by his preference towards intelligence. To have that kind of simple spelling error in his message just seemed off.

I will give you bonus points for the replay value though. No matter how many times I play the game through, it feels like there are still scenes I haven't read, especially during lunch time. And as there is only so much money you can make/spend, it's a challenge to budget correctly to optimize the amount of item scenes you'll receive in return.

Since I happen to be writing this rather late, please for me for not including more detail. Any spelling mistakes I've made can also be blamed on this reason. I just wanted to inform you that your team has done a very good job putting this together and that you should be proud of your creation. Just have to say though that you kind of made it obvious on who "Alistair" really was. Though Oda's identity was a bit of a surprise. Definitely think the character pairings were accurate once they were properly matched and considered, so excellent job with that.

Anyways, I'll end my little monologue here, so thank you for your time. I hope you continue to make great games as fun as this one.

(Edited 2 times)

I really hope to eventually see the full release of the game. Simply from the prologue, I can tell that a lot of dedication has been put into making this story. Plus, with a conclusion like that, I feel really bad. It's as if I condemned the guy I like to death... not a pretty thought to have. I'm still wondering if the explosion is because the protagonist messed with forces she shouldn't have or if there's someone else involved. It would also be good to learn whether the pendant simply tracks magic or if it was the cause of the magic. Needless to say, there are a lot of questions I look forward to learning the answers to.

Also, I just wanted to point out that it's a wonderful idea to have the scenes accompany the special images in the gallery. I really like it, especially for when games continue for a while. That way, it's kind of like a refresher when you need a break.

Anyways, please continue to work hard on the game. It'd be a waste not to see the final product.

Timed games aren't really my specialty, so it makes sense that I received the poor ending. However, I found the concept rather interesting. Definitely worth checking out.

I just finished the demo now, and I have to admit it's pretty good. I like how different choices offer a variety of information regarding the suspect pool, but how there are also more than one means of acquiring knowledge regarding individual recurring suspects. Since it's rather late at night for me at the moment, I'll save my deeper investigations for another day, but I am looking forward to listing out all the current clues to factor a guess as to the true murderer. However, I'm definitely taking the options themselves seriously. I'm curious to know exactly how the story changes depending upon the details Elvira chooses to investigate, as this is ultimately a romance game. The obvious assumption would be to focus solely upon your chosen partner to produce the desired ending, but since Elvira is also in charge of solving a mystery, it seems that you have to balance your desires with determining the best means to close the case. A rather delicate line, I fear. Especially since the person you choose can end up being the criminal in question. Which begs the question: will there be bad endings availablein the game, such as one where Elvira possibly gets herself killed and the mystery remains unsolved?

That would be interesting to see.

Anyways, I'll close off my monologue with a praise over both your current and continued effort over this project. Though I personally am not aware of the full mechanics to creating a game, I am aware of the diligence required to simply write a story - especially one with multiple endings. I love the consistency I've seen and hope to be able to expect the same in the full release when it comes. Since your story and plot seem solid, I believe you should expect to see a good number of customers willing to buy your finished project. I'll certainly be making myself among that number.

P.S. - I just wanted to give extra credit for the trailer. When I watched it, I was itching to try the game before it had a chance to finish. Good job and keep up the good work.

I can see you've been working on the story since I last read it. I like the new costumes, but I hope you make sure that they're consistently shown throughout the scenes by the time you release it. However, I think I prefered the Blood God in the robe over the school uniform. I mean, he looks hot either way, but the robe just seems a little more appropriate when you first meet him. I still want to see the school uniform though - just later on in the game if he happens to come down to the human world to greet you.

Sorry if I am offending you by saying this. I still love the story and am looking forward to seeing more, but that one costume I'd prefer switched back for at least the first scene of the story. The rest are awesome as they are. Thank you for listening and good luck with everything.

It's really sad, but it's also really beautiful. I'm glad that I read it. Thank you for sharing this with us.

Whatever game you download shows up in your library. You just have to launch the game from there to play it. You can also access the game from the downloads screen when it pops up. If you just experiment a bit, it's pretty easy to get the hang of. Good luck.

That was a beautiful story. Definitely not the kind of love story I had expected when I first read the description, but this is even better. I couldn't help feeling sad at the end though. To have to leave those ties and wander a new yet familiar world again, left with only the memories of bonds to guide you... I don't think I'd ever be able to do it. I can only imagine the mental strain he'd have to endure time and time again.

Only, how do I say this? It felt like, when he left that last time, he wouldn't be burdened with the painful memories anymore. It felt like he would no longer be haunted by his past, but supported by those experiences and those memories instead. Perhaps that wasn't your intention in writing this, but I hope that it was. I hope that the wanderer you've imagined has learned to enjoy the gift he has for the opportunities it has granted to him.

Anyways, thank you for the read. It was truly an experience worth having.

When I originally began reading this story, I was slightly under the impression that it would be like those stupid romance novels where the only choice you make is for which ending of the game you'd prefer, but like you warned us, there were no choices to make. For that reason, I can't call this a game. However, for the beautiful creation that this is, I have a feeling that any other style of presentation would have ruined it.

Your imagination is truly wonderful and your dedication to this project apparent. I'm glad to have been presented with a chance to read this and even more for being able to read this to the very end. I love how you even rewarded our curiosity with those short stories Ciar supposedly wrote. Despite being separate from the main story, they somehow never seemed out of place, and I was left thinking of them just as much as the situations our characters face over time.

Though I have to admit: who was that bald guy? What was the point of him being everywhere at once? Was he just meant as comedic relief or symbolic of something deeper? Perhaps I'm just not seeing the connection, but he did make me laugh a lot. ...Still don't want to meet him in real life though. He's pretty intimidating...

Anyways, since I've stayed up too late both reading this story and writing this comment, I'm going to end my ramblings here. Thank you for the read. Loved what you had to give. Please continue to be inspired and driven to other works of literature art in the future.

Thank you for replying. After re-reading my adventure, I have confirmed the area of my confusion. You see, when Valerie stumbles upon the opportunity to speak with Luke's grandmother, she mentions that since all of her grandparents passed away before her birth, she doesn't know how to address the elderly. However, at the end of the story when she's packing her belongings for the month-long holidays, she informs us that she is going over to her grandparents' house. The reason I'm confused is that this implies at least one of her grandparents are alive when the opposite has been stated. And from reading over the version of the story I played, no other indications are provided over why she would visit a place owned by her grandparents.

It's a small detail to be sure, but one I just happened to pick up none-the-less. I don't think it has any real affect on the story itself, which is still pretty amazing.

Also, just to let you know, I've noticed a couple of minor misspellings in the text here or there. I don't think that they impede anyone's experience considering how only someone going out of their way to study the text would probably notice. Most of the time with these kinds of stories, I find that nobody really slows down long enough to notice the mistakes as they are too busy devouring the contents and impressions of the text itself. Just wanted to let you know in case you wanted to fix some of them. Most of it is just a single letter failing to enter a word or forgetting to add an 's' to the end of a word describing an action. I did notice a couple of places, such as when Valerie hugs Luke to console him, where the author of the text accidentally switched to a past-tense wording. Words such as "wouldn't" or "couldn't" showed up when "won't" or "can't" are more appropriate. If a reader were to notice anything out-of-place, it would probably be when Valerie and Aaron meet up in the hallway to go over the email together. Instead of writing "...and wait for him to approach me." I believe the author typed "...and wait for him to approach him." However, as I've mentioned, most readers likely wouldn't have noticed the error for longer than a second, if at all. Your story is truly beautiful and serves to engage the reader in such a manner as to distract from any flaws the story or technicalities happen to have.

For that, every single one of you who worked on the game should be proud.

P.S. - the only reason why I happen to have noticed any of the details mentioned above is because of the kind of reader I happen to be. My mind just notices the little things when it comes to text probably because I am an avid writer myself and wish to eventually serve as a professional editor for other aspiring writers possessing more talent than myself. Either way, thank you for taking time out of your day to hear my opinion and showing that you are passionate about this project both during and after its release. Your efforts really have been worth it and I hope that more people have an opportunity to witness this fruit of your labour. Please continue developing games and experiences as wonderful as this one has been.

I agree. Your story is wonderful so far and I can't wait to see more. But why does choosing to wake up the Watcher seem to have such violent options? If I were in such a situation, I'd decide to either a) tap his cheek lightly; or b) leave him alone to sleep and return to the original option of answering the door myself. Smothering him with a pillow is awful, especially when no one knows if you're a trustworthy character or not in the first place. I actually thought for a second that the pillow may have had some magical qualities to it and that doing something with the pillow would help to break the spell on Watcher or something. Or at the very least capture his interest. Either way, the story seems to be going towards a good place. Definitely makes me ask a few questions.

I really, really love this game. It's heartwarming, creative, a little painful, and hugely satisfying. Luke was truly the character I had hoped he would be. However, I am a little confused about Valerie's history. I may have misread it, so I'll reread the story before making any official claims.

Anyways, thank you for this gift. I really loved the experience it gave me.

I like where the stories are going so far. However, I have noticed a few misplaced commas (a couple extra here, one or two missing there, etc) and that "chose" should be "choose" given how your narration is written in the present tense. Do all of the "ends" have a form of redemption later on? For instance, when you're kidnapped by Asstaroth, do you have a chance to still win him over or are you just dead? That would be one really interesting version of the story to see.

Anyways, please keep doing what you're doing and please make sure to double check your spelling and grammar before publishing the full version. I've found that the reading experience is always less enjoyable the more I have to decipher the text, but you guys are off to a pretty good start.