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Gesar

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A member registered Nov 13, 2016 · View creator page →

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This is just me, but I felt like I knew I had a good image of the beastman, but you had about 600 words of description and scene setting before that dialogue beins and the plot began to move apace.  I think potentially you could have pulled back a bit on some of the description and blended it in with the dialogue.  That conversation paints a pretty vivid image of the characters as well.  I think I would have liked to see more of the characters shown through them interacting with each other, your world shown through that interplay - something sitting just beneath that let your audience read into the world. 


Its never said in the story but to me the Barrister reads as a 'holier than thou' person who is looking down on his captor, unlike Yak’Dul who might be but isn't showing it as the scene opens - two opposing philosophies with room for interpretation.  I always like it when an author gives me space to fill in the blanks, and here is a great example of it.  Just my two cents but hope it helps.

I think you've got a lot of feedback here giving you plenty to take forward.  First point, nice work in keeping things clear concise.  I think when looking for your next project look for repeated words - for example the first sentence has the word 'battle' twice as well as battle field, then again in the next sentence.  If you use a word like that, try to not use it again for another two or three sentences.  I think that the other thing that stood out to me is that you use the passive voice/form a lot, when thing are happening, e.g. 'The Orks charged', 'stood their groud', 'opened fire'.  If you were to change those to being active - 'The Orks charging', 'standing their groud', 'opening fire' - it becomes more engaging and raises the stakes of the encounter.  It shifts the perspective of you narrating the event, to us being there seeing it.

Look forward to seeing what you do next!

Loved the battle imagery, great stuff.

Fun little number about everyone's favourite characters!  Great stuff!

Nice work!  I like all the tension building all culminating to an 'Ah...fuck' moment.

Nice stuff, lot's going on, but the long paragraphs made for a challenging read.  I like that it was the three of them left, but I didn't feel the high stakes until about halfway through. Could you have started in the basement?  Raise the stakes on the characters and see how they do.

Good stuff!  The dialogue was nice and you have some fantastic descriptions there.  The interpretation was interesting but I think it could have done with perhaps a tiny bit more time - only a little bit more.  I think that you can trust your audience to fill in some of the blanks, if you give them a compelling enough sketch they will fill in the rest.  The bodies scattered on rooftops, the sunset seeping through windows were brilliant at setting the mood.

Nice work, I like the frame and the alliterative work - it reinforces the compounding failures.  I perhaps would have like to have seen the letter either sent to a lover, close family member or the sort?  Or perhaps more jingosim?  Just a little that would either invite the reader for a moment self reflection or to try and read more into the narrator.

Good work, look forward to seeing next your next work.  Keep writing!

Thanks for the feedback.  I can't help but somewhat agree,  I wanted to set myself the challenge of writing in a setting I hadn't touched yet,  so I think focus went to realising the place - need to find a better balance next time.  Could have done with a few more drafts, but then again, what couldn't?  Worthwile experience for next time.

Thanks for the feedback.  I think like everyone the word limit was a challenge, a good one, but did mean that some of those transitions were somewhat more sudden than I would like.  Ah, experience for next time.