Play book
Weak and Foolish's itch.io pageResults
| Criteria | Rank | Score* | Raw Score |
| Adherence to the Theme | #5 | 3.953 | 4.167 |
| Overall | #18 | 3.619 | 3.815 |
| Flow & Clarity | #25 | 3.373 | 3.556 |
| Concept & Originality | #27 | 3.531 | 3.722 |
Ranked from 18 ratings. Score is adjusted from raw score by the median number of ratings per game in the jam.
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Comments
I can only echo what the other commenters have said, this was a very entertaining story with an interesting perspective but could have been uncluttered a little bit. I'm excited to read more from you!
thank you!
So first, respect.
Writing in present tense is HARD.
Overall, a solid story. Follows the theme well, good action, and a definite sense of hopelessness turned around by the ending.
Thank you! I really wasn’t confident with using the present tense but I figured I’d just go for it.
Nice. Would have been good to figure out why the Founder's Forces wanted their world wiped out like that, but seeing them as a clear bad guy was pretty cool. Would like to see Joanna return as a tragic hero who somehow overcomes things with her wit and tenacity. Also, was that trap already in place or does she just have insta deploy trap a la Batman?
The original draft gave a description of her placing the trap as she escaped back into the basement but it went over to the next page and spoiled the surprise, so I edited it out.
I liked the story and the action, as per the comments I think it could work with a more show versus tell approach to highlight Joanna’s Sarah Conner style tactics, but seems like this would be a solid foundation for a series of linked stories or campaign setting.
Sticking to Joanna's point of view more closely could've been nice to experience being hunted and how the others sacrificed themselves from her angle. The chase was still fun to read with the Custodian bullrushing through them and definitely on point for the theme.
I felt giving the exposition quickly required 3rd person perspective and it would have been strange to suddenly switch to first person, so I kept 3rd all the way through.
Nice stuff, lot's going on, but the long paragraphs made for a challenging read. I like that it was the three of them left, but I didn't feel the high stakes until about halfway through. Could you have started in the basement? Raise the stakes on the characters and see how they do.
Very well structured, though hard to remember one's place with how long the paragraphs are. It's a jam packed story, and still worth the read. I appreciate the visuals during the chase.
Thank you so much! Yeah I would have liked to give proper indentation and spacing but the template wouldn’t fit the story that way. I appreciate you pushing through that though, and I’m glad you enjoyed it.