I'm so super sad about this but thank you for the update! I really can't wait so I wish you the best of luck! =]
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I honestly don't mind the grammar at all, I just thought I'd let you know. I totally understand and generally it's not something I easily overlook because I'm a super grammar nazi most of the time, but I really do enjoy your games and I'll play them no matter what because I super enjoy your stories and characters. =] There really is no need to cut it down, it was just an idea as I'm not sure about other people but the wordiness might be discouraging for other people trying to get into the actual story. I know it'll be great so I can easily overlook it, but other people who come to pay for it when it's complete might be less inclined to do so if it's too difficult for them to become invested in the story. In all, however, I totally love it and support you 100%.
I know you have proof readers, but I figured I'd help you out a bit too since I'm here squirming and all.
In the opening it says "This I give you, an advice." It would be more like "This I give you, a piece of advice." or something like that. Which still sounds really weird to me but is at the very least more grammatically correct.
On the news paper "More people get missing" it should be "More people go missing"... And "In sheep pastures" not "on" Not that those are terribly important.
"Wish that day 'would' come sooner" instead of "will" and in all other instances it is the same, I noticed that in the first game too and it's something that has always bothered me a bit, but I still love your work regardless. There are a lot of other grammatical errors scattered that I'm sure will me caught in later updates, typos and "there"s instead of "their"s and so on. I'm also not sure what you were trying to say with the line "For those who were wondering, here are a few definitions about it; the rumors never let up, pasts were never forgotten. I mean I get the gist but I really don't even know how to begin dissecting that for you at all. D= Maybe it would be easier to say something like "No one ever let me forget those facts"? It's less wordy but I think it's a more direct way to express what you were trying to say because as it stands I'm really confused about the point you're trying to make with that particular sentence. I know English isn't your first language and you're doing really well so keep it up! =]
All the innuendo between the mc and her parents is really unnecessary and a little bit uncomfortable? Here and there is one thing like a little joke but she keeps going and going to the point where it just feels awkward. It'd be less so if they ever like... Joked back at all but they both just seem really uncomfortable with it all the time and she keeps pushing and pushing, it might just be me though.
The family bits are kinda nice, but it feels like a lot of plot-hindering filler that has no real purpose in the story. Which is fine but there seems to be ALOT of it and if you're not careful people might get really bored before ever becoming invested in your story/plot. Because thus far I have no idea what is supposed to be happening. 7 days in and it doesn't feel like we're being set up for a plot, it literally feels like we are just waiting around "what happens in 7 days?" IDK wait and find out and it's a lot of waiting. 8 days before we are ever introduced to anything resembling any sort of story-line. It really doesn't take THAT long to establish a connection between us and the MC's family and it shouldn't. TBH a simple "My family was always the most important thing to me" should honestly have been enough without having to deal with them for 8 in game days, honestly by the end of the demo I fricken hated Mawar and the mom, like tbh any time they entered the scene I was like "*sigh* Here we go.............." No offense, they just babbled too much about nothing interesting and I had a hard time staying focused on the points. There are a few parts where the characters seem to just ramble about random junk. You'd save yourself a TON of time, effort, resources on cutting that down a bit.
Also I know she's upset and desperate, but I am not and I really don't want to have to sit through her shuffling and pulling that deng death card 20 times.... You can just describe it? Twice is good, really, since I can't skip through it?
The Nusantara poster was a nice touch. ;P I definitely had to play it again after playing this demo I totally miss those boys. T^T Also SweetChiel Cafe. ;P
My god, why are you so sadistic? Jesus. But yes, I think that it does honestly need to be in there. I see where you're coming from but it's like a part of it and I feel that it is important. An important aspect of their relationship. But personally SHE NEEDS TO STOP IT! The tiniest things set her off and she doesn't think and I just want to hold him and tell him it will all be ok in the end but I can't! You're breaking my heart.
Oh god, now I'm worried... What have you done!? >=O I just want to make sure I don't miss anything or have content still locked, I'm a bit of a perfectionist and it is one of the reasons I'm having trouble going through it as many times as I have, just because it's getting hard keeping everyone's music stats maxed at 5.0 just to unlock these little bits. It.takes.so.long. xD But also I feel like the story just barely starts with Dallas and then it ends so I was hoping that getting access to that part might help me feel better about it? Or maybe it will just destroy me more. Either way I'm not complaining, thanks for the reply. =]
I've played through it several times trying to get the By The Pier and In The Dark Scenes. I've gotten everything else and followed the walk-through but I keep missing those. I'm also missing a flashback from his route as well, I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. x.x I got the last date with him too but it's not triggering anything.
Please don't take any of this the wrong way, I'm not at all trying to make you feel bad but this game frustrated me, so much so I had to actually take notes of it all WHILE i went through the demo (So many spoilers probably?):
"You don't belong here... Like anywhere near me, anywhere alive, ever" then 10Seconds later "Pack matters don't involve you..." but suddenly the MC is surprised and feels the need to comment about how "That's harsh even for him?" That's LITERALLY THE LEAST HARSH THING HE HAS SAID TO HER IN THE ENTIRE EXCHANGE UNTIL THAT POINT! AND THEN straight after saying that his mild remark is harsh she says it's weird for him to act civil but then seems to expect it? The whole encounter is a contradiction with them going back and forth and it is confusing and frustratingly so.
"She did something so bold..." What? Just talk to you harshly like she'd been doing the whole time? How is that surprising for someone you don't know who is already yelling at someone trying to kill themselves? It makes no sense.
Trying way too hard to emphasize the MCs attempts to rebel against the typical expectations of women (it's mostly just kinda thrown in your face instead of gently and proudly displayed? If that makes sense) the idea that she is "badass" seems forced upon me and irritatingly so. All bark and no bite with comments of past "badassery" while she's talking about how angry she was when the car was damaged and how she almost killed a werewolf and "WOW this alpha is so intimidating don't get me wrong but look at me stand up to him, he's a little scary but I'ma look him in the eye without so much as a bat of my little eyes"? If she's afraid perhaps that should be better conveyed instead of casually narrated?
Super repetitive "He was using his power over me" "You used your power over me." Mentions him using his power over her LET'S MAKE A HUGE DEAL OVER HIM USING HIS POWER OVER HER... Like... Sweet and simple and not wordy and gaudy is a great way to go.
"I don't need to establish the sufficiency of an answer"... What?
"Sometimes it doesn't need to come to terms with reason" ... WHAT? I get what you're trying to do but that isn't "Wise mumbo jumbo" that's random nonsensical babble that makes me feel like the character legitimately has an IQ within the single digit range. He doesn't seem wise, he doesn't seem mysterious, he doesn't seem cool. He seems like an idiot. On that note the grammar is also fairly cringe-worthy. With things in the beginning like "You are still nothing more than just a man" there is so much grammatically wrong with that sentence I don't even know where to begin. I could probably overlook this if it wasn't like that through the entire demo. And finally the MC is not witty, she seems to me like she was almost held back in elementary school but the school was like "She talks too much we really don't want to have to deal with her another year, just pass her!"
The characters themselves are great I feel but the way they are introduced seems unnatural. The extreme ploys used to give you a sense of their personalities are outlandish, cliche and rather childish. It makes it feel like I am being forced to feel a specific way about a character. The way they are presented leaves little room for interpretation or disagreement. Where I am meant to have mixed feelings I am presented with a contradictory scene complete with flip-floppy dialogue and repetitive points as if I'm not intelligent enough to grasp the situation the first time it is mentioned and where I am meant to dislike the character I'm given a cliche children's book bad-guy fused with anime over-exaggerations and the whole narrated grand-reputation thing. The way it's all told also has a very 4th wall feel to it. All of these people have a history that the MC feels the need to narrate instead of leaving the mystery or alluding to it in a natural way it's put on display during the introduction. Even a character profile for each would be better than having to read through 20minutes of character backstory in the middle of main story, in the middle of character introduction in the middle of shoddy plot device in the middle of... You see where I'm going with this? Too much happening at once. It's almost as unorganized as this post!
I'm sure that some of this sounds really mean and probably poorly worded I'm also not very good with expressing myself on the spot which is why I normally do not post comments. I was playing the demo while writing this and I really am just mentally dead from all of this effort in the first place. I WANT to like this game quite desperately, the visuals are absolutely STUNNING and the concept is wonderful, the story is appealing(though if not carefully and correctly done I fear another Twilight) I LOVE the idea and I want to love the finished product, but I honestly couldn't get through the demo because it honestly was just so unsophisticated I guess is what I'm trying to convey. I don't want to discourage you at all and I'm sure mine will be a rather unpopular opinion and there is so much potential and beauty there, the ideas are solid and wonderful but the story-telling is crude and the vocabulary seems rather plain. D=
I'm sorry! x.x ♥♥