Hi -- Thank you for pointing that out! It was not intentional -- it was operator error. Can I submit a revised version without that second page? If I delete the submission, will I be able to resubmit it even though the submission period is over?
I really enjoyed the raw, intense atmosphere you created with the desert setting and the rebel group dynamics. The conflict between Bale and Del’garros feels real, and the sci-fi details add a cool edge.
That said, I found it tough to follow because there’s a lot happening all at once, and the action sequences got a little overwhelming without clearer pacing. Breaking the text up into paragraphs would help a lot. It would make the story easier to read and help emphasize the tension. Also, consider trimming the word count some.
You’ve got a solid sense of mood and tension, and with some tightening and formatting, this could be a really strong piece.
I can tell you put a lot of cool ideas and world-building into it. The sci-fi and cybernetic stuff definitely caught my attention. The laconic dialogue made it stand out as well.
That said, I gotta be honest, I had a bit of trouble following some parts. On the first read-through, the story felt kind of jumbled for me and it was a little hard to stay grounded in what was going on. I think if you tightened up the pacing a bit and connected more of the dots, it would help the story gel.
Overall, I liked the vibe you created and I’m sure with some tweaks it’ll really come together. Looking forward to seeing what you do next!
Really enjoyed this one! You nailed the theme in a way that felt natural. The MC's voice seemed real and the slow build worked well. The ending had just the right mix of pride and sadness, and I liked how it turned into a story about family without going too sentimental. Solid stuff.
