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OMG! Thank you sooooooooooooooooo much for these references! I'm playing The Dungeon of Lulu Farea and it's a really interesting game concept! I'll check the others. Thank you!


I went over the dialogue, so I will list whatever bothered me.

#1:   During the intro cutscene, the father says "Look what I brought to you."   While technically correct, contextually it is more common in English to say "Look what I brought for you."

#2:   Trix's response "I don't believe!!"  Is a bit off.   In the English language, multiple "!" marks for a sentence are rarely used.  When very strong responses are needed, full capitalization is sometimes used.  Three examples.

EG1:   "Oh god, the humanity!  They don't deserve this..."   This is a common application of exclaimation marks.

EG2:   "HOLD IT THERE, BUSTER."   You may use this if someone is speaking calmly but with some intimidating force.  Try not to overuse the capitalization method, as it would lose impact for the reader.

EG3:   "HANDS OFF MY DAUGHTER, PUNK!"  An intimidating yell.  

Anyhow: Trix's dialogue for that section can be improved with the following.  "I don't believe it!".   

#3:  Not sure if this one is a flaw.   From my search on Wiktionary (a useful resource), "Atalantas" isn't mentioned.  I am not sure if this is a fictional word for your setting, an foreign word that isn't recognized in English, or a straight up flaw.   Going by Trix's gear, my first guess is that she is themed after Greek, Roman, or some Persian motifs.  It would be nice if you can tell me what she is based on, so that I can make better assumptions.

Aside from that, I wondering if her shield is based on a real-world item.  It doesn't strike me as practical, but I wouldn't mind learning more about odd pieces of gear.

#4:  The mother's dialogue.  "Why don't you wait for me?!"   Contextually off.  This wording is best used if a person notices a recurring pattern where they are often left behind.   "Why didn't you wait for me?!"  Would make more sense for a one-off incident.

#5:  A inconsistency.  After Frank and Rosie mention their names, Rosie's dialogue boxes now use her name as the speaker.  However, Frank is still just "Father" throughout the conversation.

#6: Two things about Rosie's dialogue concerning Trix's education.   First, she refers to "Bombardier".  That is an engineer who specializes in artilarrly, thus being engaged in warfare.  While a relatively safe role for a combatant, it is still odd when considering how opposed she is to Trix being in danger.   Also, I have the impression that Rosie is intending Trix to learn how to use magic.  It might be a setting where warfare uses magic for artillary purposes, but I am not sure.

Secondly, the dialogue.   "...we have a guild for her to study."  The context doesn't work in English.  If it was "...we have a book for her to study.", that would make contextual sense, since it is an item that a person can possess.   My recommendation:   "She will be an excellent Bombardier, our village guild would let her study."

#7:  "You should be learning good spells!"  Technically correct and can fit into the right context, but I think that "You should be learning spells!" would work better.  Being overly verbose or long with a sentence can irritate a reader.  An over-abundance of that can drain away immersion.  What I do is to say the sentence myself, and see if it easily rolls off the tongue.  If it feels clunky, try to shorten or simplify the words.

#8:  "...turns the girl over."  Correct structure and such, but the context makes it sound like that Trix is lying on the ground.  I recommend "...turns around the girl."

#9:   I am not sure what a "Pally Wine" is.  My first guess is that it is Emily's staff?  This may hint at parts of the setting that might be your own original touch, or it might be a bad translation.  Need more information.

#10:  A slight edit to Emily's reply.   "...known for its curses that spread on its multiple floors."  -> "...known for the curses that spread on its multiple floors."   By swapping an "its" for an "the", you lower the repetition of words in the sentence.  That gives it a more natural flow.

#11:  " facilitate the recognition..." could be simplified as "to facilitate recognition."  Honestly, this one works either way.  You could use the longer and more verbose wording for Emily's dialogue, to help set her dialogue apart from other characters.  Basically, don't always use my advice if you think that it isn't right for someone.

#12:  This one just needs clarification for me.  "...Desire's Level is the first where people get excited quickly."   My understanding of the conversation is that Desire's Level is the first set of floors, so using "the first where people get excited quickly" doesn't make sense - it doesn't have a preceding level.  Depending on what you meant, elaboration or removing some dialogue would be needed.

#13:  The dialogue concerning the Giant Limbs Level is alright.  My concern is with Emily herself:  Is she a shy person regarding sexuality, or likes using fancier words?  It is important that dialogue reflects a person's mindset.  I haven't ventured much into the game yet, but the thought occurred to me that she might be interchangeable with other characters.  She might simply be a balanced person?   Anyhow, if she has a technical approach, she would use "breast" and "genitals" (which applies to both genders.  If she is shy, she would may be reluctant to talk about the subject matter.

#14:  "YOU SHOULD LEARN WITH HER!"  Technically correct, but it is more natural to say "YOU SHOULD LEARN FROM HER!"

#15 "Horny Tower entrance has weaker bees than those on the other side of the river."   ->  "The Horny Tower entrance has weaker bees than those on the other side of the river."  This makes it more natural.

#16:  Just a gameplay recommendation.  When a character levels up, their HP and MP should be fully recovered.  This allows for quicker grinding, especially when trying to get permission for the tower.

#17:  When speaking with Rosie, she says "TAKE THIS ARMOR!"   That implies she is either trying to give armor to Trix, or that she is attacking the armor.  In the latter case, I recommend "TAKE THIS, ARMOR!", with her hitting it.  Mind, I don't think she would use a kitchen knife.  If you change the counter to have a pot of boiling food, she could hit Trix's armor with a large spoon.  Alternatively, Rosie could say "TAKE OFF THAT ARMOR!", with predictable results.

#18:  The Toy Ring, Common Ring, and Angel Necklace all have the same stats.

#19: When entering the save/load menu, it defaults to the autosave.  I think it will be safer and more convenient to default with the last manual save.

#20: While trying to enter the school house at night, the dialogue reads "door closed".  It would be nicer as "This door is locked..."

Thank you for your patience and another amazing feedback, Sabin! It's really hard for people how don't have English as the first language to understand what is contextually more common. Based on your feedback, I'm examining all texts that I have written until now, and rewriting what I think can be improved! In the new version, I'll implement your suggestions and I hope it’s better than the first one. Also, Atalanta is a common class in RPG (I was inspired by Priston Tale) and Bombardier is a class that I created in the game's lore. I'll keep an eye on it to see if that needs to be changed. Thank you again!