Post by Tutiz in Abide With Me comments

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Fuck. Just... fuck.

My mom, we, uh... never had that good of a relationship, but she tried. Bipolar, type two. Severe crisis. Dad left. Told his boss i was dead, and moved back to his home town. Came back when i was 16 last year, and mom is kind of stable. Fucked right off again after seeing i had grew up troubled with drugs and was bi, didn't call for months, i block him, immediate call from him. Ignored him for some months, called him to talk to my brother (who i had met for the first time last year, although i knew he existed since i was about 3) and to wish my brother a happy birthday. I'm 17, and 2 days ago, i found out dad did lie. He did beat my mom. He did lock her at home. He beat up bro's mom, too. Bro. Hell, i'm sure he would've beat me, had he the chance. My 15yo brother and his mom told me everything about my dad.

I have 2 brothers, one 15, still in 5th grade (and in Brazil, it's not easy to have good education; even after he tried every private school in his town, they still couldn't manage his anger problems), and other 6. A sister, too. Cutest thing, although the only one that is my father's son is the 15yo. I still consider them brothers. I'm ranting and venting, i guess, this game made me need it. This game made me think about my mom. It's been a month since we've last talked, and we live in the same house. Grandpa suspects i still do hard drugs (i'm doing everything to show him i'm past that for months), grandma has a temper.

I now have to take my dad's place and raise my family right. I came to this a few days ago, and now am reading psychology books to try and help my bro with his anger, i'm looking for work to get him a therapist etc.

This game made me so emotional, so, so emotional. I'm at school crying like a pussy with my friends beside me, understanding jackshit. Maybe one or two get it. I don't know. I look at sis everytime i block my phone, and think about them all the time.

But what about my parents? I told dad to fuck right off and we're not gonna talk anymore. He told me explicitely he doesn't care about my brother, and that he's a piece of shit. When i insulted his new wife, he called me a 16yo piece of shit. Again, i am 17. I'm not gonna grow up to see dad like this. Mom is possibly going to be... distant and cold, too. Like that. Or like Dad in this game. What am i going to become?

Your game is so good, it made me create an acount to ramble about my shitty fucking little life on a website barely anyone cares about. I'm crying about mom. About dad. I have no father but grandpa, and he's 62. Mom got pregnant at 16. What will i do when he gets old? What if grandma is the one to become forgetful? She has some memory problems, but mostly pressure problems, physical pains, she's already suffering, and that makes me feel so fucking bad. Grandpa doesn't live with me, mum and grandma, but he comes over everyday. What if one day, he just... doesn't? What if he doesn't remember if he's proud of me? Will he remember he bought me my first bass? Will grandma remember she bought my first guitar? Will mom remember showing me her favorite songs and taking me to the movies, even with all the delusions she had? Will she remember the times she tried to kill me? DOES SHE? Will grandpa be proud? Will he? Will grandma be proud?

And now, i'm reading again, just for the sake of encouraging my brother to do the same. I'm gonna show him cool books, RPG books, good tales, stuff like that. Help him study. And i'm trying so hard to learn to help him.

Will he be proud?

Dad said he is.

The only person i KNOW is proud of who i've become is the person i despise the most.

Thank you, stranger. Your game is indescribably meaningful and just.. infinitely beautiful. Lindo. Uma obra de arte. Mesmerizante, mesmerizing.

Have a nice life.

And if you want to listen to a good song of them, try Deep, deep, by Have a nice life. Sorry for venting, i needed it. I needed this game.

marafrass6 years ago(+2)

Thank you for taking your time to vent and write this all out - the game was made for you, and people in similar situations. Family is tricky, and there usually isn't a happy Hollywood ending where people get past their demons and suddenly are free of them. It's human to be angry, to be confused, and to feel two opposite emotions at once. It's important to remember that. Hope things get better for you, and you find a way to deal with everything with as little sadness or anger as possible. And thank you so much for your kinds words about the game.

Tutiz6 years ago(+3)

Alright, i'm back, no tears this time through, haha.

Thank you so much more for having written a thought out reply, and a beautiful one at that. Your words have more weight than neutron stars within them, i guess.

I told my brother about how i wanna run this family. Talked to my mother. We're ok now. She will help me with my brothers. It will all be ok. My brother says he will lead alongside me, and i trust him. Your game has possibly molded a better family. An indie story game made such an impactful decision. You deserve the world, and i can't help but wish you that your world is the most fulfilled it can be for as long as you are in it. And... "this game was made for you". There's a little spot in my list of people who are smarter than me that i'll leave reserved for you, because even though i don't know you enough to have certainty of that, i can clearly see that you are so much ahead of me, and that inspires me so much.

Everything bless. We'll all be alright.

EVitorio4 years ago

Eu criei uma conta apenas para te responder, na esperança de que te alcance como notificação no email. Eu queria te dizer que o seu relato deixa muito clara sua inteligência acima da média, tanto na construção da narrativa como na expressão emocional (sem falar no uso do idioma!). Você vai navegar por altos e baixos, mas tem a capacidade de enxergar perspectivas renovadas que vão te levar em frente com um propósito forte: essa família que você vai construir. Isso não era para ser sua responsabilidade, mas é o que você tem em seus irmãos. Quando estiver por baixo, não se entregue à mentira de que não é capaz, não ceda às "saídas" autodestrutivas. Resistir até agora mostra como é forte e como isso é só o começo de um percurso que vai longe, independente de como você estiver neste momento.

Recomendo que pesquise sobre as escolas de formação da aeronáutica, a EEAR (sargentos) e AFA (oficiais). Todo ano tem concurso e acho que os limites de idade para entrar são 25 e 23 anos, respectivamente. Se entrar, terá uma base e um salário estáveis para ajudar a construir sua nova família e poderá enquanto isso engajar-se na faculdade que você pretende fazer (psicologia, talvez?), sem a pressão de ter que se formar rápido para começar logo a carreira.

Eu tenho o dobro da sua idade. Meu pai foi assassinado quando eu tinha 7 anos e minha mãe estava grávida de 8 meses. Minha família é assombrada por luto, depressão sem fim, remédios e risco de suicídio. Foi difícil chegar vivo ao fim da adolescência (os 2-3 anos jogando RPG quase diariamente estão entre as melhores partes da época) e ainda hoje carrego os fantasmas de quase 30 anos atrás como se eu ainda fosse aquele menino que aos 7 anos já dizia que queria morrer. Sou agora mais velho que meu pai. Mas consegui o sonho de viver uma nova família, obtive mestrado em literatura e todas as noites leio para meu filho maior (o menor tá começando a entrar no esquema). Lemos O Hobbit inteiro como presente dos 6 anos dele (e antes tínhamos lido as sete Crônicas de Nárnia). Só isso já basta para que tudo tenha valido a pena. A depressão é um distúrbio que distorce minha percepção e impacta com meu negativismo e ansiedade, mas eu sei que meu coração está cheio também de algo maior e melhor que isso.

Espero que não me ache presunçoso em me meter na sua história. Eu só não podia deixar de notar que sua inteligência e comprometimento podem fazer toda a diferença.

itch.io

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