Post by IATERRY in Broken Harbours comments

Viewing post in Broken Harbours comments

I unfortunately was kind of disappointed by this. Which is not to say that I think it is bad, but it just felt like something was missing compared to the main VN and after mulling over it a bit for me it comes down to what feels like the ultimate goal or purpose of the work. A lot of what I really like about the sex in Dawn Chorus is that it is full of tension, unease, a kind of excitement and perhaps most crucially the sex is never the most interesting thing going on.

Which I guess I just didn't really feel that in BH, the sex was kind of the most interesting thing and it was fine but also kind of whatever. and maybe that's all it was meant to be, a kind of nice pleasant short but there is a clear gesture towards a sort of melancholy and sadness and greater meaning which keeps it from being pleasant but also it does not really go far enough to have a real thrust or impact. It almost feels stuck in between the two ends.

Despite my criticisms I would still urge people to buy it though, because any money given to the development team is money well spent and they're doing really great stuff this one just sadly didn't really feel as good to me :(

Rickalick871 year ago(+2)(-1)

This. I agree with everything(thought I do wish you did some formatting on your comment).

This VN doesn't understand what it's trying to be and ends up falling short in everything it does. Not a good porn VN, not a good short story, doesn't explore anything it starts exploring beyond the ankle depth...

And why is it told from no one's perspective? That's the one thing everyone expects from a VN, doubly so from the creator of Dawn Chorus, where perspective is so important and used to such great effect?

Contrary to you, however, I'd like to warn people against buying this and instead consider supporting the Dawn Chorus patreon. This is not a good VN and the more obvious it becomes to the creator - the lower is the chance they will do something similarly undercooked in near future.

Dawn Chorus1 year ago (2 edits) (+5)(-1)

Broken Harbours was in huge part an experiment in writing in third perspective in a VN and in that regards I'm happy with the result. From the literary style to more adult themes, it was meant to be very unlike Dawn Chorus. I don't agree with it not sticking to a perspective.

I agree that the smuttier side and more serious one pull the story in two directions at once and now I wish I stuck only one of these. My interests shifted between the time I wrote down the rough idea and the time I sat down to write the text, the initial plan was for a much more lighthearted story. Still, in the end I'm happy with the result, and though I wish either I toned down the smutty side or leaned only into the horniness, I think it uses the word count well and is still worth a read. It is possible but unlikely that I'll revisit it in a future to tidy it up and expand on it, once the time allows and I need a breather from working on Dawn Chorus again.

Rickalick871 year ago(+5)

First of all, thank you for replying. You owe me nothing, so it's nice to see you take time for this.

I understand this was never meant to be like Dawn Chorus, but it wasn't obvious until after I already finished the story. It's advertised as a side story to Dawn Chorus with the same characters and that's it - you can surely see where the confusion is coming from.

And even if I went into this with full understanding of what it is - I don't think I would enjoy it. This is a very personal, intimate story of a friendship blooming and being tested by a transformation into something different, and this heart of the story is great!

BUT!

The impersonal perspective is taking away from the experience. The abundance of narrator bits is taking away from the experience. And most of all, the smut part is taking away from the experience - not because it's smut, but because it is not an organic part of the plot. It's not really pulling the story in a different direction, it's not pulling it anywhere at all, it's a plot point that's just sitting there. It's important for the story, but it's not a part of the story - it is not exploring the characters. Everything leading up to it explores the characters, the scenes after it explore the characters, but the sex scene is just there.

IATERRY said it best - sex in Dawn Chorus was done better, because it always came in a form of an emotionally charged scene, characters bloomed in them. And in BH - it has no emotional weight, just some after-thoughts attached.

I want to see Rune nervously pacing Devon's apartment, biting his lips and mindlessly eating those frozen berries, worrying if he's using his friend. I want to see Devon worry and pull away mid-sex because he's worried what he's doing is going to make him lose a friend. I want Rune and Devon to stay real people in the most important part of the story!

What I'm trying to say is... There's a good VN here, but no offense, it's under the rubble of your experimentation. With all due respect, and I do respect you a great deal as a writer, I don't think it's a success.

itch.io

Viewing post in Broken Harbours comments