Broken Harbours was in huge part an experiment in writing in third perspective in a VN and in that regards I'm happy with the result. From the literary style to more adult themes, it was meant to be very unlike Dawn Chorus. I don't agree with it not sticking to a perspective.
I agree that the smuttier side and more serious one pull the story in two directions at once and now I wish I stuck only one of these. My interests shifted between the time I wrote down the rough idea and the time I sat down to write the text, the initial plan was for a much more lighthearted story. Still, in the end I'm happy with the result, and though I wish either I toned down the smutty side or leaned only into the horniness, I think it uses the word count well and is still worth a read. It is possible but unlikely that I'll revisit it in a future to tidy it up and expand on it, once the time allows and I need a breather from working on Dawn Chorus again.
First of all, thank you for replying. You owe me nothing, so it's nice to see you take time for this.
I understand this was never meant to be like Dawn Chorus, but it wasn't obvious until after I already finished the story. It's advertised as a side story to Dawn Chorus with the same characters and that's it - you can surely see where the confusion is coming from.
And even if I went into this with full understanding of what it is - I don't think I would enjoy it. This is a very personal, intimate story of a friendship blooming and being tested by a transformation into something different, and this heart of the story is great!
BUT!
The impersonal perspective is taking away from the experience. The abundance of narrator bits is taking away from the experience. And most of all, the smut part is taking away from the experience - not because it's smut, but because it is not an organic part of the plot. It's not really pulling the story in a different direction, it's not pulling it anywhere at all, it's a plot point that's just sitting there. It's important for the story, but it's not a part of the story - it is not exploring the characters. Everything leading up to it explores the characters, the scenes after it explore the characters, but the sex scene is just there.
IATERRY said it best - sex in Dawn Chorus was done better, because it always came in a form of an emotionally charged scene, characters bloomed in them. And in BH - it has no emotional weight, just some after-thoughts attached.
I want to see Rune nervously pacing Devon's apartment, biting his lips and mindlessly eating those frozen berries, worrying if he's using his friend. I want to see Devon worry and pull away mid-sex because he's worried what he's doing is going to make him lose a friend. I want Rune and Devon to stay real people in the most important part of the story!
What I'm trying to say is... There's a good VN here, but no offense, it's under the rubble of your experimentation. With all due respect, and I do respect you a great deal as a writer, I don't think it's a success.